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for Just Another Clue

11/21/2009 c1 12Magus1108
Pretty good.
7/8/2008 c1 15mysticLegend11
Cute, but lame nevertheless. Rather promising for your first fanfic though. I'm guessing you came up with the idea when you were in DC and the fact that I'm going to be going to San Francisco? Cute.

First of all, never, ever review your own story. Send a reply message, or edit your chapter by replacing the chapter document. If you don't know, ask and I'll show you.

You did your research all right, just not all of it. I've actually been on the elevator to go up to the Washington Monument. Have you? Sorry to burst your bubble, but you really can't see anything, even when you get to the top. There are no windows in the Washington Monument, in case you haven't noticed. Getting to the peak means an hour line when that tourist attraction is actually functioning, and they tightened security thanks to 9/11. Until you can show me proof you can actually get to the top and there's a window up there, I'm dubious.

Outside of plot, there are gaps in your writing. You know when: the time they're walking to the Constitutional Gardens, the time they're in the elevator to get up the memorial, etc. There were gaps in The Stone too, but it's much more obvious here. You have problems with pacing, because the beginning begins leisurely, and the pace steadily increases. Your prose, however, does not reflect that. You have to show that sense of suspense, danger and adrenaline through the combination of the dialogue and narration, not just a lame "Go! Go! Go!" like some kind of elementary school field day baton pass. The stairs can not just be mentioned; the picture of the three of them rushing down ten fleet of stairs has to be vivid.

You don't have a consistent writing style either. Diction is rather formal, and syntax is sometimes awkward. You'll only gain a better sense of purpose with more writing. There's also the problem that much of this can be visualized like a movie, but this is not a movie. It's a story. The part with the construction beams blocking the guy's sight-that's very National Treasure-ish, but you didn't pull it off in a literary fashion. You did so in a way that you imaged it on the big screen, but this is literature, and literature is not adapted to be made into movies.

The sakura blossoms part was kinda cliche. Otherwise, it's a huge, huge improvement from The Stone, and trust me, that's a huge compliment. Characterization could have been a little more memorable though. The whole helpless Abigail was a little sexist.

Keep writing fan fiction, will ya? Yeah, I agree with you, I don't think you should continue this story.

Congratulations on a relatively impressive first fanfic. (Emphasis on relatively.)

Oh yeah, and since it's a personal rule that I'm working on to praise specifically about something, good hook. The riddle at the beginning was able to tie the fanfic with the movie, thus allowing the reader to pick up where the movie left off. This is crucial in fan fiction, so I'm glad you managed to do it well.

Ganbatte.
7/6/2008 c1 4ZDBurkett
It's not likely that I'll continue this story. It was designed to be more of a one-shot story. For now, anyway.

Maybe I'll write more of it some day.

-Oswaft
7/6/2008 c1 18Harm Marie
Neat. So, will there be more in this story-line?
7/5/2008 c1 Teal Masterbolt
Eh, kinda lame...Just joking, it was pretty freakin great. I am putting you under favorite authors list so if you ever do continue the story, i will know. I especially liked how you managed to get the timing of everything sound so exact, that has to be the hardest part of National Treasure stories. Pretty Freakin GREAT.
7/5/2008 c1 Ellasphere
cool. I like it
7/3/2008 c1 56daisyduke80
interesting. i love it! update soon!

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