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3/25/2012 c14 5mnementh2000
Very ingenious story. The idea that one's actions will vastly change the course of one's life is by no means a new one. Usually, that is thought to bring about diverging realities, and your story doesn't preclude that possibility; however, you bring up another interesting theory, that if you have enough information on a person, you may be able to predict the course of their life.

To that end, I think you did a very good job of portraying three vastly differing outcomes: first, a life of complete lack of love, one where Keiichi is devoid of that emotion, and is very amoral and driven; one where he DOES know love, but is very cautious and slower to act on his wants and desires, to the point that his wish is GREATLY affected, thus changing his whole life, and that of all he meets; and finally, three, the wish we all have come to know as cannon, where he is timid in his relationship at first, but the results are more profound and farther reaching, even causing Yggdrasil to run better than ever before, broker new truces between the demon and goddess sides, affect MORE people positively.

Then, you showed the end that would most likely occur - the death of a mortal and the eventual death of Belldandy of heartbreak and loneliness. This is a very real scenario as predicted by Yggdrasil...

...but for one crucial thing - the promise itself. You used one translation of the promise to begin with - 'I wish for a goddess like you, to always stay by my side' - but then at the very end used the other way I have seen it translated, namely 'I wish for a goddess like you, to stay by my side forever'. This latter has always been my favorite of the two versions, as it lends itself to the story a little better, as the basic premise has always been that love would always find a way to overcome. That brings into play a fourth outcome that Kami-sama saw, but didn't let any of the others know about, where, quite frankly, BOTH Belldandy and Keiichi survive instead of any of the previous three eventualities.

Overall, I feel that you did an admirable job of telling a tale that touches on a convoluted and difficult subject - that of the choices that we make, or in this case, may be made for us. You did a good job of explaining the theory well enough for most people to understand the idea and follow your story without problem. You even did a good job of analyzing the routes that Keiichi's life might have taken if things weren't handled the way that they were, and the decisions weren't made that were. You even gave fairly logical progressions to the scenarios you presented, lending credence to your deductions.

The only thing that I could find that could use work, was the wording in places. Sometimes there were words there that shouldn't have been, or no words where there should have been; there were even a couple instances of words used that weren't the words that you meant to use, if I recall correctly. This can all be remedied by going through the story before hitting the post button (any misspelling) or having someone proof your story beforehand to check for grammatical errors. Other than this (which was easy enough to either ignore or superimpose the correct words), you did a wonderful job on the story, and I congratulate you on your efforts.
8/18/2009 c1 14Sniperk
That was interesting. Aside from a few places were I though things would/should have gone different.

Anyway, the break down in chapters was a little weird too, but didn't take the brightness of the story itself, and at some point even improved a little of the drama.

I can't really talk about the carachterization of the cast, since I'm not really all that familiar with the source, but I liked the way you portraied all the characters.

The storytelling was an issue for me, as changes a little too much from overview to detail in my opnion but you managed to get your point through. The idea of the story, and the fellings of the characters.

Great job.

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