for Digimon Adventure: Dark Times Emerge2/25/2009 c2 
4the21stMartian
uh-oh! sounds like trouble's a brewing. Human paranoia can be deadly sometimes.
This chapter was a nice overview of the current situation and I look forward to reading more.
4the21stMartianuh-oh! sounds like trouble's a brewing. Human paranoia can be deadly sometimes.
This chapter was a nice overview of the current situation and I look forward to reading more.
2/25/2009 c1 the21stMartian
a good build up and summary of the first 2 seasons of digimon. I look forward to continuing to read this story
a good build up and summary of the first 2 seasons of digimon. I look forward to continuing to read this story
1/9/2009 c5 11ARCtheElite
Well then, time to be a jerk and be nit-picky about stuff!
1) I'm not sure about your reason for using "stongly bounded". Did you mean strongly bonded or bound, as in tied to the Dark Ocean, or bounded (surrounded) by the Dark Ocean?
2) So the hooded Digimon first found that he was alone, but then another Digimon was also there?
3) I'm not convinced about the effectiveness of the "drop the pin". The saying is normally used to talk about how quiet a place is, not how big.
4) The female digimon gathered some of the most frightened Mega levels? Did you mean frightening, or were they afraid of the female Digimon?
Anyway, that's enough of "perfectionist mode".
On to the next chapter!
11ARCtheEliteWell then, time to be a jerk and be nit-picky about stuff!
1) I'm not sure about your reason for using "stongly bounded". Did you mean strongly bonded or bound, as in tied to the Dark Ocean, or bounded (surrounded) by the Dark Ocean?
2) So the hooded Digimon first found that he was alone, but then another Digimon was also there?
3) I'm not convinced about the effectiveness of the "drop the pin". The saying is normally used to talk about how quiet a place is, not how big.
4) The female digimon gathered some of the most frightened Mega levels? Did you mean frightening, or were they afraid of the female Digimon?
Anyway, that's enough of "perfectionist mode".
On to the next chapter!
1/6/2009 c3 ARCtheElite
I have to be honest, this seems to be the best chapter out of the 3 I've read so far. It seems (to me anyway) that's it's a lot easier to focus on a single character than to tell a narrative from bird's-eye view.
You still have a bit of awkward stuff, but it's nothing terribly major. I'm not sure if I said this in my last review (I have a horrible memory sometimes) but you do a better job in terms of descriptions than many other stories out there.
I just want to caution you on using "etc." in stories. It's not exactly the most professional of things to use when you (the writer) is telling something, and it destroys any mood that you worked so hard to evoke.
I have to be honest, this seems to be the best chapter out of the 3 I've read so far. It seems (to me anyway) that's it's a lot easier to focus on a single character than to tell a narrative from bird's-eye view.
You still have a bit of awkward stuff, but it's nothing terribly major. I'm not sure if I said this in my last review (I have a horrible memory sometimes) but you do a better job in terms of descriptions than many other stories out there.
I just want to caution you on using "etc." in stories. It's not exactly the most professional of things to use when you (the writer) is telling something, and it destroys any mood that you worked so hard to evoke.
1/6/2009 c1 ARCtheElite
Well then, let's get started.
First of all, I never expected anyone to PM me with stories they want me to read. I'm surprised anyone goes onto my profile at all. Nevertheless, thank you. I'm only at the first chapter, but this looks promising.
It's probably a little late to do anything about the first chapter, but here are some thoughts:
I'm reading some of the other reviews of chapter 1. I tend to remember more of what I read/watch, so I didn't find the recap too informative. But since other people seem to agree that it was necessary, I have nothing to say. However, I do believe that you could have expanded on the "new prophecy" a little more. Not enough to spoil the suspense, but maybe just enough to build it even more.
I want to ask: Who is telling this story? For example, if Azulongmon was telling this story, it would sound much different than if Tai was. And right now, I would say that it sounds more like Tai than Azulongmon - which is fine, if that is your intent. But my personal style leads me to using a more "formal" or "poetic" style, kind of like a bard.
Finally, I'm going to agree with the self-proclaimed "Perfectionist" reviewer (though I noticed that you left some "I's" uncapitalized, if you're reading this :D) that there are some mechanical errors here. Mostly they have to do with awkward sentences. A lot of that can be solved by putting commas and periods in some places and taking them out in others. I would recommend a beta (not trying to sell myself or anything, just saying :D)
I'm off to read more chapters, then. Cya!
Well then, let's get started.
First of all, I never expected anyone to PM me with stories they want me to read. I'm surprised anyone goes onto my profile at all. Nevertheless, thank you. I'm only at the first chapter, but this looks promising.
It's probably a little late to do anything about the first chapter, but here are some thoughts:
I'm reading some of the other reviews of chapter 1. I tend to remember more of what I read/watch, so I didn't find the recap too informative. But since other people seem to agree that it was necessary, I have nothing to say. However, I do believe that you could have expanded on the "new prophecy" a little more. Not enough to spoil the suspense, but maybe just enough to build it even more.
I want to ask: Who is telling this story? For example, if Azulongmon was telling this story, it would sound much different than if Tai was. And right now, I would say that it sounds more like Tai than Azulongmon - which is fine, if that is your intent. But my personal style leads me to using a more "formal" or "poetic" style, kind of like a bard.
Finally, I'm going to agree with the self-proclaimed "Perfectionist" reviewer (though I noticed that you left some "I's" uncapitalized, if you're reading this :D) that there are some mechanical errors here. Mostly they have to do with awkward sentences. A lot of that can be solved by putting commas and periods in some places and taking them out in others. I would recommend a beta (not trying to sell myself or anything, just saying :D)
I'm off to read more chapters, then. Cya!
12/31/2008 c6 Dawn
Good chapter! There were a few run-on sentences, and the plural of 'digimon' is actually 'digimon' (there is no change) but overall, very good! HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Good chapter! There were a few run-on sentences, and the plural of 'digimon' is actually 'digimon' (there is no change) but overall, very good! HAPPY NEW YEAR!
12/23/2008 c6 10DOTMW
Hey,just getting back to you on the story...after the first few chapters I'm getting a pretty good feel for what you're trying to say.
First, you have a good concept laid out. You seem to know where you're going and how you need to get there. Looming threat on the horizon always adds a sense of urgency and now you've actively put one of the main characters in danger. In terms of substance, you're off to a good start.
You have a "telling" style of writing indicative of fledgling authors; what I mean by this is that you very clearly spellout exactly what's going on
For example, In the last paragraph of your latest chapter;
"Everybody except Kari went inside. She wanted to see the eclipse till it was gone. Suddenly a gigantic earthquake came causing havoc to the entire city. The ground was shaking tremendously. It was definitely not a normal earthquake. If the shaking was measured on the Richter magnitude scale, it would be over 10 or more."
Maybe this is just a personal choice, but I like to be "shown"
If I were to write the same paragraph, I would probably say...
"Kari was vaguely aware of her friends leaving her but the eclipse had almost...hypnotized her. It was so breathtakingly beautiful that she found herself drawn to it,unable to look away.
TK lingered behind the others, waiting to see if Kari was coming in and contemplating whether or not to join her when suddenly...
A low rumbling filled the air and the apartment began to tremble violently. TK's legs buckled underneath him and garbled cries of his friends pierced the roar that surrounded them. In the chaos that ensued,only one thought rang through the din
Kari
A strangled cry seemed to block out everything else as TK tore across the shaking floor trying to reach Kari. She turned and for a brief instant their eyes met.
Then she was gone.
"KARI!" With more speed than he had ever shown in his life, TK tore across the floor, grabbing Kari's hand as the balcony fell away."
Notice how I didn't include all that info about the earthquake? That's because no one in this scene has a Richter scale. Also would TK or Kari know about the passengers in the subway?
When you write, you should focus on the characters in the scene. We're seeing the world through their eyes and anything they don't know about, we shouldn't either.
I know it can be tempting to add detail to hit a point home, but there are other ways to do that. For example, you could include the Subway and bridge info in a news report in the background of the next scene.
You're doing fine. Style is something won through experience and my advice is the opinion of one author. I'll keep an eye on the rest of this story to see how you develop
Peace
DOTMW
10DOTMWHey,just getting back to you on the story...after the first few chapters I'm getting a pretty good feel for what you're trying to say.
First, you have a good concept laid out. You seem to know where you're going and how you need to get there. Looming threat on the horizon always adds a sense of urgency and now you've actively put one of the main characters in danger. In terms of substance, you're off to a good start.
You have a "telling" style of writing indicative of fledgling authors; what I mean by this is that you very clearly spellout exactly what's going on
For example, In the last paragraph of your latest chapter;
"Everybody except Kari went inside. She wanted to see the eclipse till it was gone. Suddenly a gigantic earthquake came causing havoc to the entire city. The ground was shaking tremendously. It was definitely not a normal earthquake. If the shaking was measured on the Richter magnitude scale, it would be over 10 or more."
Maybe this is just a personal choice, but I like to be "shown"
If I were to write the same paragraph, I would probably say...
"Kari was vaguely aware of her friends leaving her but the eclipse had almost...hypnotized her. It was so breathtakingly beautiful that she found herself drawn to it,unable to look away.
TK lingered behind the others, waiting to see if Kari was coming in and contemplating whether or not to join her when suddenly...
A low rumbling filled the air and the apartment began to tremble violently. TK's legs buckled underneath him and garbled cries of his friends pierced the roar that surrounded them. In the chaos that ensued,only one thought rang through the din
Kari
A strangled cry seemed to block out everything else as TK tore across the shaking floor trying to reach Kari. She turned and for a brief instant their eyes met.
Then she was gone.
"KARI!" With more speed than he had ever shown in his life, TK tore across the floor, grabbing Kari's hand as the balcony fell away."
Notice how I didn't include all that info about the earthquake? That's because no one in this scene has a Richter scale. Also would TK or Kari know about the passengers in the subway?
When you write, you should focus on the characters in the scene. We're seeing the world through their eyes and anything they don't know about, we shouldn't either.
I know it can be tempting to add detail to hit a point home, but there are other ways to do that. For example, you could include the Subway and bridge info in a news report in the background of the next scene.
You're doing fine. Style is something won through experience and my advice is the opinion of one author. I'll keep an eye on the rest of this story to see how you develop
Peace
DOTMW
12/21/2008 c6 32emotionless-robot
*glares*
You evil person you.
Ending the chapter RIGHT THERE was mean. You'd better hurry up and update, otherwise I'm going to throw a wrench at your head.
Haha, I loved Yolei's line of, "Dear God it's cold! KEN, HOLD ME!"
I laughed.
32emotionless-robot*glares*
You evil person you.
Ending the chapter RIGHT THERE was mean. You'd better hurry up and update, otherwise I'm going to throw a wrench at your head.
Haha, I loved Yolei's line of, "Dear God it's cold! KEN, HOLD ME!"
I laughed.
12/21/2008 c6 9SugarSpiral
Whha!
You could use a little more description on the earthquake- make it a little more tense. As a reader, you barely notice it.
Other than that, this chapter was good.
Don't take so long next time!
9SugarSpiralWhha!
You could use a little more description on the earthquake- make it a little more tense. As a reader, you barely notice it.
Other than that, this chapter was good.
Don't take so long next time!
11/8/2008 c5 32emotionless-robot
... I feel like laughing evilly right about now XD
Haha, can't wait for the next chapter! UPDATE SOON!
32emotionless-robot... I feel like laughing evilly right about now XD
Haha, can't wait for the next chapter! UPDATE SOON!
11/8/2008 c3 emotionless-robot
Aww... poor Kari. Nightmares can be so horrible sometimes :(
But this chapter wasn't XD I liked the description of the balcony part - very realistic. -thumbs up-
Aww... poor Kari. Nightmares can be so horrible sometimes :(
But this chapter wasn't XD I liked the description of the balcony part - very realistic. -thumbs up-
11/8/2008 c1 emotionless-robot
Haha, sorry it took so long for me to get around to reading this - my memory is worse than that of my fish XD
Love the intro.
Haha, sorry it took so long for me to get around to reading this - my memory is worse than that of my fish XD
Love the intro.