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for Devil Ärms: StarS

7/25/2018 c26 Mernom
Overall, this is not too bad. Definitely a markup from part 1 I'd say.
Most of the glaring problems from the original story didn't carry over. There's no 'change that didn't change anything', because this is original plot. There's no powerup overload, the one that you added was placed perfectly in the right spot. As for fleshing out... While it's a lot better than the last one, it COULD use some more.

The biggest issue is probably the lack of depth the story has. The Cyber Knights feel like one of those Saturday morning cartoon villain factions. They have no visible ideology that's driving their actions. And, if I'm reading things correctly, it style Cyber Knight's attack the resulted with the birth of Null Ender, which eventually became what even led to the Cyber Knight attack happening in the first place.
That section also had a pacing issue, since it wound up being 'everyone lived in harmony, but everything changed when the missiles attacked, skip 1 week later and I'm a freedom fighter'. Didn't feel very organic.

Null Ender ended up being a pretty interesting character, if overdosed on tearjerking backstory.
But the fight scenes are pretty dry. Mostly 'he did this and I did that and an explosion happened and...', this doesn't carry over well in text format.
During the last fight you dipped a bit too hard on the Fairy Tail brand of 'power of friendship' I think. It contested pretty hard with how the rest of the story went.

Some of the comedy moments were quite laugh inducing, so you got that covered.

Lastly, the OP OC clause is invoked hard. I guess that anyone who really gets triggers by this wouldn't survive past the first story... But this was starting to get too much even for me. Plus, Kasumi wound up dropping from the story almost entirely, which is too bad because their interactions were part of what kept me from dropping part 1. Overall? 6.6/10. It's above average, so it's not too bad. Sorry if this review appears mostly negative things, I find it hard to mention the good bits, since they just naturally click so I wind up noticing them less consciously than the negatives.
7/23/2018 c18 Mernom
THIS is how you do a proper foreshadowing. You gave out just enough clues for the reader to realize the truth for themselves. While the plot twist itself is rather cliché, and it being applied to an OC is gonna piss off since people, and the entire situation stinks a bit of time loop shenanigans, this part was done well enough.
7/23/2018 c16 Mernom
I have a certain feeling about the Emperor's real identity, as well as his cronies'. If I'm right, then you've done foreshadowing right for once.
7/23/2018 c15 Mernom
The plot twist here would work a lot better with some foreshadowing.
7/23/2018 c14 Mernom
So, what was even the point of this whole mess? What did Angry Manjew even tried to achieve? Why did Ghost go against him? Why did they both even go after Yuuki? When you have a villain without a proper reason for his actions, one who's only reason to exist is to be a hateable enemy, it's lazy storytelling. And yet here, for this entire story arc, as well as the foreshadowing bits, not a single clue as to why I'd it even happening.
7/22/2018 c12 Mernom
How old is Ed anyway? I don't think it was ever mentioned.
7/22/2018 c10 Mernom
This went too fast. If you push top hard, the impact of the twist won't eoek
7/22/2018 c8 Mernom
Three things. First, if the Devil Arms take a toll off his body, why does he keep using them? He could source a backup device to use in less strainful situations. Unless the DA block other devices of course...
Also, I don't think that you mentioned the birds a single time ever since Yuuki got Rho Aias. Is he I in permanent unison?
Lastly, why didn't he mention the fight he had to Fate? Wasn't that why he even called her? Plus, it matched the description she gave of her targets.
7/21/2018 c6 Mernom
So far, this story is leagues above the previous one. I can tell the difference between you just going through the stations of canon and telling your own story. It still could use a bit more fleshing out, but it's quite decent even without that.
7/21/2018 c2 Mernom
Well, that mental picture was quite amusing, even though I don't think it's plausible for it to happened. Both Nanoha and her family are too intelligent for this kind of misunderstanding. It's takes one 'she's adopted' to prevent it outright.
1/23/2014 c26 112Cyberchao X
Ha. I never heard, or whatever, Sound Stage X, so I'm lost. I HAVE started ViVid, though, so if you want to continue it on into there...ah, but for these characters, Force is the better sequel to follow, right? That's a shame; I started Force but never really got into it. Too angsty.
1/23/2014 c25 Cyberchao X
Damnit, I was right after all! It wasn't a coincidence! Just last chapter, I'd been wondering who Ghost was in his previous life, and now I know.

Of course...only the TSAB members had their deaths confirmed by history. So Asakura not being a Mirage doesn't create a contradiction, because Null merely ASSUMED that his sister was dead. Asakura even called her survival miraculous...

I had to do a double-take at the reveal, though, because the way you wrote the mystery woman in this chapter suggested an old lady to the point that I could've sworn it had been outright stated.
1/23/2014 c24 Cyberchao X
Yeah, I recognized that code right away. You mentioned SRW before...I've never played any of the true crossover games, only the OG Saga. Endless Frontier's pretty awesome, though, and that's where I recognized Code DTD from.
1/22/2014 c22 Cyberchao X
Bloody hell...I had noticed the similarity in ages before, but...how could I have missed the similarity in names? And yet, Asakura's not a Mirage, so...is it just a coincidence? That they were the same age when the missiles struck? And I thought she had some cybernetics as well... Nah; couldn't be.
1/22/2014 c21 Cyberchao X
Damn... so much action... so much drama... so much pain and suffering...
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