for Foeseeker2/23/2012 c54 Lord Vrel
Amazing... This might possibly be my favorite chapter. I especially love her reaction at the end. I've noticed that when alot of characters in movies and books inherit something like a ruling position, they almost always SAY they're scared, but don't act any different... And the way Lin is acting, really suits her. It fits her honest, humble personality and really works with how she is in the rest of the story, while still conveying that she's changing a bit.
Amazing... This might possibly be my favorite chapter. I especially love her reaction at the end. I've noticed that when alot of characters in movies and books inherit something like a ruling position, they almost always SAY they're scared, but don't act any different... And the way Lin is acting, really suits her. It fits her honest, humble personality and really works with how she is in the rest of the story, while still conveying that she's changing a bit.
2/23/2012 c53 Lord Vrel
Um... um... It made me cry, okay? That's all I'm saying about this chapter. .
Um... um... It made me cry, okay? That's all I'm saying about this chapter. .
2/23/2012 c52 Lord Vrel
Guess who's back? :D
I was surprised actually... Most battle scenes tend to bore me, so I end up just skimming through them, but I was able to read all the way through... Just the right balance of action while still moving the story along. And as usual, excellent grammar. I know I've said it before, but even if you write an amazingly awesome story, it doesn't matter unless people can read it.
Guess who's back? :D
I was surprised actually... Most battle scenes tend to bore me, so I end up just skimming through them, but I was able to read all the way through... Just the right balance of action while still moving the story along. And as usual, excellent grammar. I know I've said it before, but even if you write an amazingly awesome story, it doesn't matter unless people can read it.
12/26/2011 c43 
5Jade TeaLeaf
Well now I've finally come around to reading this. At first I was caught off guard with what I've forgotten but now I'm beginning to pick up the pieces once again.
The changes that you're making in the revision would probably work out well. However, I think that you should definitely be careful not to ramble on the cultures and histories of Lin and Gareth. After all, people like to get to action fast. In my opinion, you should touch base with their histories and then refer to the fun cultural tid-bits as the storyline progresses.
Good chapter and I have to say that I took a peek at the prologue and first chapter of this story. It seems strange to look back at that and then realize the vast differences in writing style. You have become an excellent writer and I'm sure that whatever changes you make in the revision would be 100x better than the original. And don't beat yourself up about the quality of writing. Remember that real authors spend hours on end making their stories and they even have the time to go back and edit their drafts while we don't. It's a tough life for us fanfic writers. :)
So that being said, I will soldier on and continue reviewing.
~Jade TeaLeaf
5Jade TeaLeafWell now I've finally come around to reading this. At first I was caught off guard with what I've forgotten but now I'm beginning to pick up the pieces once again.
The changes that you're making in the revision would probably work out well. However, I think that you should definitely be careful not to ramble on the cultures and histories of Lin and Gareth. After all, people like to get to action fast. In my opinion, you should touch base with their histories and then refer to the fun cultural tid-bits as the storyline progresses.
Good chapter and I have to say that I took a peek at the prologue and first chapter of this story. It seems strange to look back at that and then realize the vast differences in writing style. You have become an excellent writer and I'm sure that whatever changes you make in the revision would be 100x better than the original. And don't beat yourself up about the quality of writing. Remember that real authors spend hours on end making their stories and they even have the time to go back and edit their drafts while we don't. It's a tough life for us fanfic writers. :)
So that being said, I will soldier on and continue reviewing.
~Jade TeaLeaf
8/22/2011 c55 Guest
I think the epilogue could be a little longer, I would love to know more about what happened to the characters!
About the "unnecessary stuff"- hopefully the Melanda part could be made into a separate story (I hope I'm not asking too much).
A fantastic ending to a fantastic work!
I think the epilogue could be a little longer, I would love to know more about what happened to the characters!
About the "unnecessary stuff"- hopefully the Melanda part could be made into a separate story (I hope I'm not asking too much).
A fantastic ending to a fantastic work!
7/23/2011 c55 7GrayCharacter16
*applauds* Bravo, bravo, you finally finished! :) I just have two comments -
one; "That was my mother's words, not mine; I even born at the time." (epilogue, end of 6th paragraph)
two; you didn't *hem* borrow the name Rath from . . . anywhere . . . did you? C:
The last couple chapters were great. It ended a bit suddenly, but hey, that's not necessarily bad, right? ;]
7GrayCharacter16*applauds* Bravo, bravo, you finally finished! :) I just have two comments -
one; "That was my mother's words, not mine; I even born at the time." (epilogue, end of 6th paragraph)
two; you didn't *hem* borrow the name Rath from . . . anywhere . . . did you? C:
The last couple chapters were great. It ended a bit suddenly, but hey, that's not necessarily bad, right? ;]
6/17/2011 c41 5Hilariter
This story is completely awesome and I'll write a better review when I get to the end of it, okay? Cool.
5HilariterThis story is completely awesome and I'll write a better review when I get to the end of it, okay? Cool.
5/20/2011 c25 RiversOtter
I liked the chapter... Up until the fight between Lin and Slarave ended the way it did... It was great the way it turned out, just way too sped up.
I liked the chapter... Up until the fight between Lin and Slarave ended the way it did... It was great the way it turned out, just way too sped up.
5/18/2011 c55 34Scyphi
well, I liked the ending, and for the moment see little need to add in anymore information about everybody than what you've already got. Simpler is better sometimes.
I'd give you input about your final-draft-to-be, but admittedly, because I've been following this story for so long, but haven't gone back and reread any of it since, my memory of how it all even began is quite vague, at least vague enough that trying to provide worthwhile input wouldn't work out too well.
But, while it had it's rough spots (which I'm sure will be fixed in the final) it was good story nonetheless, so I can tell you that much. The ending was very powerful, even though I had already predicted just about everything that was to take place in the end, and that's quite good, to make an obvious ending powerful with the reader anyway. :)
I feel like I should put in one final comment here like I usually do with reviews, but my usual line of "awaiting for more" isn't going to fit too well here, now is it? :P
34Scyphiwell, I liked the ending, and for the moment see little need to add in anymore information about everybody than what you've already got. Simpler is better sometimes.
I'd give you input about your final-draft-to-be, but admittedly, because I've been following this story for so long, but haven't gone back and reread any of it since, my memory of how it all even began is quite vague, at least vague enough that trying to provide worthwhile input wouldn't work out too well.
But, while it had it's rough spots (which I'm sure will be fixed in the final) it was good story nonetheless, so I can tell you that much. The ending was very powerful, even though I had already predicted just about everything that was to take place in the end, and that's quite good, to make an obvious ending powerful with the reader anyway. :)
I feel like I should put in one final comment here like I usually do with reviews, but my usual line of "awaiting for more" isn't going to fit too well here, now is it? :P
5/18/2011 c55 2fwirl of redwall
Whoaa. Now that this story's ended I'm not sure to be happy or sad. It was a pretty great fic and I enjoyed following it from beginning to end((: I thought the alternating perspectives in the second-to-last (I'm lazy to review every chapter) was quite interesting though it took me a few paragraphs for me to get who was who. Love your descriptions from Lin's point of view (;
But I think the ending (the bracelet bit) was quite abrupt. If you're editing you can make Lin's realisation a bit more epic and add some flashback/memory of her mom giving the bracelet or something; just a suggestion though!
Thanks for not giving up on this wonderful fic(: Do write another one!
2fwirl of redwallWhoaa. Now that this story's ended I'm not sure to be happy or sad. It was a pretty great fic and I enjoyed following it from beginning to end((: I thought the alternating perspectives in the second-to-last (I'm lazy to review every chapter) was quite interesting though it took me a few paragraphs for me to get who was who. Love your descriptions from Lin's point of view (;
But I think the ending (the bracelet bit) was quite abrupt. If you're editing you can make Lin's realisation a bit more epic and add some flashback/memory of her mom giving the bracelet or something; just a suggestion though!
Thanks for not giving up on this wonderful fic(: Do write another one!
4/7/2011 c3 T0M Serv0
Now this chapter is a lot more detailed. I like the descriptions this time around; not too much, not too little. Yet forgive me if I spot a few bits I thought odd.
"The squirrelmaid shook her head, forcing the crab to release its grip on her ear and sending it hurtling through the air."- I thought crabs had a much better hold than that. Unless it was the very tip of her ear, shaking the crab would only increase the pain.
The three days journey doesn't mention what food she ate. Yeah, I know one doesn't have to mention every little detail, but with how parched and tired she was, you'd think some bit of food was mentioned.
The pike fight was pretty interesting though, but the cliffhanger is a bit obvious since I know she's not gonna die, heh. Still, this chapter was better than the last.
Now this chapter is a lot more detailed. I like the descriptions this time around; not too much, not too little. Yet forgive me if I spot a few bits I thought odd.
"The squirrelmaid shook her head, forcing the crab to release its grip on her ear and sending it hurtling through the air."- I thought crabs had a much better hold than that. Unless it was the very tip of her ear, shaking the crab would only increase the pain.
The three days journey doesn't mention what food she ate. Yeah, I know one doesn't have to mention every little detail, but with how parched and tired she was, you'd think some bit of food was mentioned.
The pike fight was pretty interesting though, but the cliffhanger is a bit obvious since I know she's not gonna die, heh. Still, this chapter was better than the last.
4/7/2011 c2 T0M Serv0
I didn't review the prologue because I found it to be too short and obviously filler to introduce readers to the story, in much the way the Redwall books sometimes do. So no big negatives or positives. It does its job and I was drawn in a bit.
Now this chapter could really benefit from being longer than five paragraphs. It feels really rushed. There are barely details in thsi chapter and feels more like a chapter summary than an actual chapter. Couldn't you have added more details about what the ship looked like, or the condition of the slaves at least?
The wreck was also a bit dissappointing, as I expected a bit more action there too. It just crashes, beasts die and the hero of the story is the only survivor. The writing is not bad, which is dissappointing in itself because I felt that there could've been more.
I didn't review the prologue because I found it to be too short and obviously filler to introduce readers to the story, in much the way the Redwall books sometimes do. So no big negatives or positives. It does its job and I was drawn in a bit.
Now this chapter could really benefit from being longer than five paragraphs. It feels really rushed. There are barely details in thsi chapter and feels more like a chapter summary than an actual chapter. Couldn't you have added more details about what the ship looked like, or the condition of the slaves at least?
The wreck was also a bit dissappointing, as I expected a bit more action there too. It just crashes, beasts die and the hero of the story is the only survivor. The writing is not bad, which is dissappointing in itself because I felt that there could've been more.
2/25/2011 c24 ifeelmad
And why was it that experienced warriors of the tribe who tried to rebel all failed, but an inexperienced young creature effortlessly succeeded? even when lin does foolish and reckless actions, she is always successful and her foolishness and recklessness are praised as a virtue. why is this? in real life recklessness and foolishness usually hurt, sometimes even kill, their doer. and a young person is usually chastised, not praised, for recklessness and foolishness.why is lin so unrealistic?
And why was it that experienced warriors of the tribe who tried to rebel all failed, but an inexperienced young creature effortlessly succeeded? even when lin does foolish and reckless actions, she is always successful and her foolishness and recklessness are praised as a virtue. why is this? in real life recklessness and foolishness usually hurt, sometimes even kill, their doer. and a young person is usually chastised, not praised, for recklessness and foolishness.why is lin so unrealistic?
2/25/2011 c24 ifeelmad
And why was it that experienced warriors of the tribe who tried to rebel all failed, but an inexperienced young creature effortlessly succeeded? even when lin does foolish and reckless actions, she is always successful and her foolishness and recklessness are praised as a virtue. why is this? in real life recklessness and foolishness usually hurt, sometimes even kill, their doer. and a young person is usually chastised, not praised, for recklessness and foolishness.why is lin like this?
And why was it that experienced warriors of the tribe who tried to rebel all failed, but an inexperienced young creature effortlessly succeeded? even when lin does foolish and reckless actions, she is always successful and her foolishness and recklessness are praised as a virtue. why is this? in real life recklessness and foolishness usually hurt, sometimes even kill, their doer. and a young person is usually chastised, not praised, for recklessness and foolishness.why is lin like this?