for The Exchange Student2/3/2019 c3 Suzaku x Cc
Enserio me encanta tu historia en mi opinión quiero el emparejamiento de SuzaxCc me encanta su interacción en esta Cap XD
Enserio me encanta tu historia en mi opinión quiero el emparejamiento de SuzaxCc me encanta su interacción en esta Cap XD
8/8/2014 c3 
2FalconRukichi
i wonder when will this story updated. even its going take a years or decade..im still waiting! such a good and ! i love to see SuzaC.C than EuphieSuza. i found they're mire interesting couple than SuzaEuphie. no offense about euphie. i like her. jstanna see something fresh. beside..the story will be a lot of interesting with kallen n lelouch...
2FalconRukichii wonder when will this story updated. even its going take a years or decade..im still waiting! such a good and ! i love to see SuzaC.C than EuphieSuza. i found they're mire interesting couple than SuzaEuphie. no offense about euphie. i like her. jstanna see something fresh. beside..the story will be a lot of interesting with kallen n lelouch...
9/26/2013 c4 2FalconRukichi
it is sooo interesting story! and i do looove all characters in here and it soooo good to have this type of fic to read! please do continue!
2FalconRukichiit is sooo interesting story! and i do looove all characters in here and it soooo good to have this type of fic to read! please do continue!
8/7/2013 c4 Guest
Updateeeeeee
Updateeeeeee
3/7/2011 c4 5chronodekar
I was enjoying this chapter ... until you brought in the Royalty.
-sigh-
-chronodekar
5chronodekarI was enjoying this chapter ... until you brought in the Royalty.
-sigh-
-chronodekar
12/29/2010 c4 9Simplywaters
Man I can not wait for the next chapter, this is fantastic for an AU. The characters are bright and engaging and I keep staring at where the 'next chapter' button should be. Update soon =)
~SimplyWaters~
9SimplywatersMan I can not wait for the next chapter, this is fantastic for an AU. The characters are bright and engaging and I keep staring at where the 'next chapter' button should be. Update soon =)
~SimplyWaters~
11/6/2010 c4 iony17893
i really really like this story
i searched for a long time for a story about school life with the characters of code geass
i hope you will update soon
i really really like this story
i searched for a long time for a story about school life with the characters of code geass
i hope you will update soon
8/11/2010 c4 Sofantastic
Ahh, this is so awesome! I love it.
Very well-written and descriptive. Please update soon! =]
Ahh, this is so awesome! I love it.
Very well-written and descriptive. Please update soon! =]
5/25/2010 c3 13Ganheim
Chapter 3
to get him to notice me.
[Or more accurately to _approve_]
I can handle rapists anyday
[any day]
Two: There were objects falling from out the window. Pretty large objects.
[Does she even have a supply of large objects to throw in the first place? Why wouldn’t the landlord have called the police]
and as a teenager he did all the manly-man things you would do as an adult.
[Like moving out, getting his own job, paying taxes, invading neighboring countries under falsified pretexts?]
"Wait who said you could room in here?"
[How did she get in in the first place? She’d need a key to get into the flat]
since it was empty that no one had taken it...when I saw that picture of your brother
[It’s obviously not empty if it’s got things like a picture of her brother, and futons and blankets, and other things that used living spaces have]
C.C. all but watched boredly
[Well, if it’s “all but” that means “not”. If she isn’t bored, what is she?]
and how it had made it to the school without the guards assaulting the poor delivery boy, no one knew.
[Delivery isn’t unexpected, it’s not unusual and they’d probably be expecting at least a few places to deliver food to the school every day…unless they had high-quality kitchens on-campus, but even then if CC is always calling out for pizza they’d probably even know who it’s going to]
group of girl's eyeing
[girls]
one of the girl's
[girls]
(Ohoho, Suzaku-kun
[Pointless mid-chapter AN. Avoid parentheticals, they rarely work]
Uncertain characterization, but more importantly is that the world is not clearly built – given how different this story’s world is from canon, you’re practically inventing a new world with just some physical resemblances (there are vast differences in characterization and history). The issue isn’t the differences – I write original fiction and this is all I do – but that you’re not logically presenting those differences.
13GanheimChapter 3
to get him to notice me.
[Or more accurately to _approve_]
I can handle rapists anyday
[any day]
Two: There were objects falling from out the window. Pretty large objects.
[Does she even have a supply of large objects to throw in the first place? Why wouldn’t the landlord have called the police]
and as a teenager he did all the manly-man things you would do as an adult.
[Like moving out, getting his own job, paying taxes, invading neighboring countries under falsified pretexts?]
"Wait who said you could room in here?"
[How did she get in in the first place? She’d need a key to get into the flat]
since it was empty that no one had taken it...when I saw that picture of your brother
[It’s obviously not empty if it’s got things like a picture of her brother, and futons and blankets, and other things that used living spaces have]
C.C. all but watched boredly
[Well, if it’s “all but” that means “not”. If she isn’t bored, what is she?]
and how it had made it to the school without the guards assaulting the poor delivery boy, no one knew.
[Delivery isn’t unexpected, it’s not unusual and they’d probably be expecting at least a few places to deliver food to the school every day…unless they had high-quality kitchens on-campus, but even then if CC is always calling out for pizza they’d probably even know who it’s going to]
group of girl's eyeing
[girls]
one of the girl's
[girls]
(Ohoho, Suzaku-kun
[Pointless mid-chapter AN. Avoid parentheticals, they rarely work]
Uncertain characterization, but more importantly is that the world is not clearly built – given how different this story’s world is from canon, you’re practically inventing a new world with just some physical resemblances (there are vast differences in characterization and history). The issue isn’t the differences – I write original fiction and this is all I do – but that you’re not logically presenting those differences.
5/25/2010 c2 Ganheim
3. Chopsticks do not work.
You will be laughed at.
[Well, at least this one is true]
5. Don't get lost in the airport!
I know you're strong but,
..you have some boobs.
[Some? What’s that supposed to mean? Meager? Intimidating?]
They should have everything. Even if they are pansies.
[They’ve probably got rugby, the origins of that sport was around during the French-English conflict that I think Code Geass diverges from history during]
"Maa, maa, Kallen,
[Unnecessary Japanese. Sure, some of the familial terms may not translate well (actually, you don’t have as much room to argue for those as other things), but there’s really nothing wrong with “hey” or something like that here]
eyeing you." Kallen chuckled mirthlessly. "Do you
[Source Mixing: when you break to a new character, break to a new paragraph]
than he lets on." Kallen
[Source Mixing]
nodded weakly. "H-hai..nii-san.."
[Unnecessary Japanese]
with it's single red
[its]
"...Sayonara, for now, ne?"
[Unnecessary Japanese. If the story was entirely in Japanese the ‘ne’ might be passable, but outside that a negative article jammed at the end of a sentence just looks awkward]
'do things on her own' since in Japan, it was a lot more solitary and harder,
[“No spit, sherlock”]
her only signs of where she was headed was that it was room 112.
[What, she can’t look at the other room numbers? Or are you trying to say that her only idea of her destinations’ location is that it’s room 112?]
"...Gomen.." Kallen stammered
[I don’t think this fits, part of it being that you implied that Kallen apparently isn’t fluent in Japanese (given the degree of “I don’t understand the signs” that you’ve mentioned, despite the fact that in canon she’s very clearly shown as being fluent in Japanese and English), part of it being that there’s no hint of the landlord being Japanese and therefore they’d be communicating in English]
The land-lady smiled as if she had taken a course in Japanese.
[What the hell kind of a smile is that? Smug? Pitying?]
"Urusai..."
[Unnecessary Japanese]
see how highschool students
[Spacing]
the President was probably no, very curious.
[Odd wording, I’m not sure what you’re trying to insinuate]
from the sound of the land-lady, they were culturally stupid.
[They’re British, of course they are. Though think seriously: how many cultures seriously take any time to learn about other cultures they don’t have to? It’s not often. Human beings are lazy]
if you beat him up, he'll probably break about five things
[Of his or hers?]
but...Kallen then heard him
[This indicates that he literally says “Kallen then heard him”. If you want to add a narrative detail, you have to close the dialog]
Suzaku-baka, is here with you, so no worries,
[What the hell does this mean?]
Kallen had expected a fancy voice inquiring, "Were art thou headed and the like, " Since English speaking countries leaned towards Shakespeare...r-right?
[I could see this expectation if she was entering a tiny country that did not have GLOBAL political, military, and economic SUPERPOWER. People all over Europe know at least a little about German. Why? Because it’s the economic heart of Europe! How much more would she know (at least to avoid stupid expectations like this) with Brittainia being a world power, and one that she’s had at least occasional, peripheral contact with?]
several hundreds of people
[hundred]
areas around the GARDENS.
[Landscaping is not the same as gardens, and most places do have at least some landscaping. It’s an element of prestige]
And Were those girls
[What’s with the capitalization]
She was ten minutes late.
[Then why are people wandering everywhere and not in class?]
It's strange beauty
[Its]
She walked with her head down,
[Is this the same “I don’t mind playing nice, but treat me like a second-rate and I’ll pound you” Kallen as the one in canon?]
knowing thousands of eyes were on her..
[Not really. At any given time, there probably wouldn’t be any more than a couple dozen, and I don’t think there are even thousands of students in the whole student body of Ashford Academy]
punch from the red-head. She grinned
[Source Mixing]
once these pansies get done with me."
[Need I point out how awkward that is?]
Japanese people were somewhat frowned upon in a Empire such as Britannia.
[1: an, 2: minorities are largely left alone in most cultures, with this exception: if the minority tries to gain social or economic power (like the Jews work ethic and social expectations leading them to become very often financially wealthy in 1930s Europe)]
San- Term of respect usually, "MR", "MS"
Kun- A term of a colleague or a friend.
[They’re honorific suffixes indicating varying levels of respect, not independent words or general terms]
Chapter 2
he couldn't help but laugh a little bit as his helplessness.
[Repetition of ‘help’]
He had to strain to hear, but he heard a small feminine whimper come from the brunette's back.
[I don’t see this matching Kallen]
she glared at them
[At who, the class in general or at Lelouch or somebody else (as you haven’t clearly indicated who the narrative here is originating from)?]
there was no afraid little girl in those blue eyes.
[There was no _fear_ in…?]
He'd start with her 'brute-strength that belied her midget body'
[She’s actually got a fairly average height in canon]
her toes cringing on end as they curved into a triangle on the ground.
[How do toes CURVE into a TRIANGLE? Also remember that she’s wearing at least some form of shoes, which makes this even less plausible]
They're going to run after me and throw chopsticks at me,
[What?]
the cream, over-coat like vest
[overcoat-like]
the gold symbol she assumed to be the emblem
[Issue: symbol=emblem. Did you mean “be the SCHOOL emblem”?]
gaze immediately doing another half-circle around the students.
[How’d she do that? Did her eyes pop out and circle half of them before flying back into their sockets?]
most of it falling around his face and sloping to the nape of his neck.
[Which one? ‘most’ means ‘more than half’ and it can only be doing one thing]
kind offreaked
[of freaked]
She felt sick with fear.
[There’s a lot of tension for a world without a war to ratchet up racial tension. As in you’re over-playing it. A lot]
her tounge was
[tongue]
it noticable that her
[noticeable]
He scowled. "K-Kallen, don't talk like that here! They'll hear you."
[What, is he saying he did get a sex-change operation?]
"Fine, we'll text then."
[Why? They can whisper perfectly fine because they’re sitting RIGHT NEXT TO EACH OTHER]
To: Suzaku
From: Kallen
Screw love. I like hate better.
[All they’re missing is a musical “best friends forever” ring]
"...you meant it like, closet, as in, being stuck in a closet and trying to find your way out?
[1: missing closing dialog marks, 2: She’s not talking about Hibiki Ryouga here…]
walking to amd fro pausing
[“and”, which you should’ve caught even without a spell-check just by glancing over your own document in a quick once-again before posting]
"I-I don't cry...much." Kallen
[I’m confused due to later narrative, is this Kallen or Suzaku talking here? This is why it’s important not to Source Mix!]
causing their arms to smash against each other clumsily.
[Are they spinning at 30kph to SMASH into each other? Or did you just use too strong a verb?]
Kallen gaped in confusion,
[Why’s she _gaping_? It’s not that unusual]
(SHE DID NOT JUST SAY THAT.)
[Is this an internal thought directed at herself? If so, why’s it not “I” instead of “she”?]
were eyeing her with curiousity.
He was looking at her as if he was trying to discover something.
[That sounds like _curiosity_ to me. So what’s different between he and the other Brittainians?]
her blue eyes glued to his hand
[I’m seeing a bad visual pun on par with Robin Hood: Men in Tights’ “lend me your ears”]
look bad for Suzaku.
[You mean _in front of_ Suzaku?]
she couldn't define this boy at all.
[Of course she can: weird is a definition]
her head poking out of his arm
[Like a parasitic growth?]
M-y n-a-m-e i-s M-i-l-l-y."
[Hey, _that’s_ not blatantly stupid and insulting far outside of Milly’s character /sarcasm]
I'll try not faint
[not to]
Alone? " Kallen immediately
[Source Mixing]
"Are you telling me to stop eating?"
[Yes, that’s exactly what he’s saying. Most regular schools – much less private schools that have much more control over getting rid of disciplinary problems – have rules against bringing food out and about anyway, much less bringing pizza into classrooms]
3. Chopsticks do not work.
You will be laughed at.
[Well, at least this one is true]
5. Don't get lost in the airport!
I know you're strong but,
..you have some boobs.
[Some? What’s that supposed to mean? Meager? Intimidating?]
They should have everything. Even if they are pansies.
[They’ve probably got rugby, the origins of that sport was around during the French-English conflict that I think Code Geass diverges from history during]
"Maa, maa, Kallen,
[Unnecessary Japanese. Sure, some of the familial terms may not translate well (actually, you don’t have as much room to argue for those as other things), but there’s really nothing wrong with “hey” or something like that here]
eyeing you." Kallen chuckled mirthlessly. "Do you
[Source Mixing: when you break to a new character, break to a new paragraph]
than he lets on." Kallen
[Source Mixing]
nodded weakly. "H-hai..nii-san.."
[Unnecessary Japanese]
with it's single red
[its]
"...Sayonara, for now, ne?"
[Unnecessary Japanese. If the story was entirely in Japanese the ‘ne’ might be passable, but outside that a negative article jammed at the end of a sentence just looks awkward]
'do things on her own' since in Japan, it was a lot more solitary and harder,
[“No spit, sherlock”]
her only signs of where she was headed was that it was room 112.
[What, she can’t look at the other room numbers? Or are you trying to say that her only idea of her destinations’ location is that it’s room 112?]
"...Gomen.." Kallen stammered
[I don’t think this fits, part of it being that you implied that Kallen apparently isn’t fluent in Japanese (given the degree of “I don’t understand the signs” that you’ve mentioned, despite the fact that in canon she’s very clearly shown as being fluent in Japanese and English), part of it being that there’s no hint of the landlord being Japanese and therefore they’d be communicating in English]
The land-lady smiled as if she had taken a course in Japanese.
[What the hell kind of a smile is that? Smug? Pitying?]
"Urusai..."
[Unnecessary Japanese]
see how highschool students
[Spacing]
the President was probably no, very curious.
[Odd wording, I’m not sure what you’re trying to insinuate]
from the sound of the land-lady, they were culturally stupid.
[They’re British, of course they are. Though think seriously: how many cultures seriously take any time to learn about other cultures they don’t have to? It’s not often. Human beings are lazy]
if you beat him up, he'll probably break about five things
[Of his or hers?]
but...Kallen then heard him
[This indicates that he literally says “Kallen then heard him”. If you want to add a narrative detail, you have to close the dialog]
Suzaku-baka, is here with you, so no worries,
[What the hell does this mean?]
Kallen had expected a fancy voice inquiring, "Were art thou headed and the like, " Since English speaking countries leaned towards Shakespeare...r-right?
[I could see this expectation if she was entering a tiny country that did not have GLOBAL political, military, and economic SUPERPOWER. People all over Europe know at least a little about German. Why? Because it’s the economic heart of Europe! How much more would she know (at least to avoid stupid expectations like this) with Brittainia being a world power, and one that she’s had at least occasional, peripheral contact with?]
several hundreds of people
[hundred]
areas around the GARDENS.
[Landscaping is not the same as gardens, and most places do have at least some landscaping. It’s an element of prestige]
And Were those girls
[What’s with the capitalization]
She was ten minutes late.
[Then why are people wandering everywhere and not in class?]
It's strange beauty
[Its]
She walked with her head down,
[Is this the same “I don’t mind playing nice, but treat me like a second-rate and I’ll pound you” Kallen as the one in canon?]
knowing thousands of eyes were on her..
[Not really. At any given time, there probably wouldn’t be any more than a couple dozen, and I don’t think there are even thousands of students in the whole student body of Ashford Academy]
punch from the red-head. She grinned
[Source Mixing]
once these pansies get done with me."
[Need I point out how awkward that is?]
Japanese people were somewhat frowned upon in a Empire such as Britannia.
[1: an, 2: minorities are largely left alone in most cultures, with this exception: if the minority tries to gain social or economic power (like the Jews work ethic and social expectations leading them to become very often financially wealthy in 1930s Europe)]
San- Term of respect usually, "MR", "MS"
Kun- A term of a colleague or a friend.
[They’re honorific suffixes indicating varying levels of respect, not independent words or general terms]
Chapter 2
he couldn't help but laugh a little bit as his helplessness.
[Repetition of ‘help’]
He had to strain to hear, but he heard a small feminine whimper come from the brunette's back.
[I don’t see this matching Kallen]
she glared at them
[At who, the class in general or at Lelouch or somebody else (as you haven’t clearly indicated who the narrative here is originating from)?]
there was no afraid little girl in those blue eyes.
[There was no _fear_ in…?]
He'd start with her 'brute-strength that belied her midget body'
[She’s actually got a fairly average height in canon]
her toes cringing on end as they curved into a triangle on the ground.
[How do toes CURVE into a TRIANGLE? Also remember that she’s wearing at least some form of shoes, which makes this even less plausible]
They're going to run after me and throw chopsticks at me,
[What?]
the cream, over-coat like vest
[overcoat-like]
the gold symbol she assumed to be the emblem
[Issue: symbol=emblem. Did you mean “be the SCHOOL emblem”?]
gaze immediately doing another half-circle around the students.
[How’d she do that? Did her eyes pop out and circle half of them before flying back into their sockets?]
most of it falling around his face and sloping to the nape of his neck.
[Which one? ‘most’ means ‘more than half’ and it can only be doing one thing]
kind offreaked
[of freaked]
She felt sick with fear.
[There’s a lot of tension for a world without a war to ratchet up racial tension. As in you’re over-playing it. A lot]
her tounge was
[tongue]
it noticable that her
[noticeable]
He scowled. "K-Kallen, don't talk like that here! They'll hear you."
[What, is he saying he did get a sex-change operation?]
"Fine, we'll text then."
[Why? They can whisper perfectly fine because they’re sitting RIGHT NEXT TO EACH OTHER]
To: Suzaku
From: Kallen
Screw love. I like hate better.
[All they’re missing is a musical “best friends forever” ring]
"...you meant it like, closet, as in, being stuck in a closet and trying to find your way out?
[1: missing closing dialog marks, 2: She’s not talking about Hibiki Ryouga here…]
walking to amd fro pausing
[“and”, which you should’ve caught even without a spell-check just by glancing over your own document in a quick once-again before posting]
"I-I don't cry...much." Kallen
[I’m confused due to later narrative, is this Kallen or Suzaku talking here? This is why it’s important not to Source Mix!]
causing their arms to smash against each other clumsily.
[Are they spinning at 30kph to SMASH into each other? Or did you just use too strong a verb?]
Kallen gaped in confusion,
[Why’s she _gaping_? It’s not that unusual]
(SHE DID NOT JUST SAY THAT.)
[Is this an internal thought directed at herself? If so, why’s it not “I” instead of “she”?]
were eyeing her with curiousity.
He was looking at her as if he was trying to discover something.
[That sounds like _curiosity_ to me. So what’s different between he and the other Brittainians?]
her blue eyes glued to his hand
[I’m seeing a bad visual pun on par with Robin Hood: Men in Tights’ “lend me your ears”]
look bad for Suzaku.
[You mean _in front of_ Suzaku?]
she couldn't define this boy at all.
[Of course she can: weird is a definition]
her head poking out of his arm
[Like a parasitic growth?]
M-y n-a-m-e i-s M-i-l-l-y."
[Hey, _that’s_ not blatantly stupid and insulting far outside of Milly’s character /sarcasm]
I'll try not faint
[not to]
Alone? " Kallen immediately
[Source Mixing]
"Are you telling me to stop eating?"
[Yes, that’s exactly what he’s saying. Most regular schools – much less private schools that have much more control over getting rid of disciplinary problems – have rules against bringing food out and about anyway, much less bringing pizza into classrooms]