for Order 658/16/2014 c7 Guest
Why has this not been updated for four years?
Why has this not been updated for four years?
5/30/2010 c7 HEROICA FANTASIA 8
Hello, your history is marvellous, I hope that you did not give up it if not which damage.
When will you post it continuation? it ace you published completely on another site?
thank you for your answer. And for this superb history.
PS: I hope to be able to know the end of this one. Since I find it written well and that until now it is very promising.
Hello, your history is marvellous, I hope that you did not give up it if not which damage.
When will you post it continuation? it ace you published completely on another site?
thank you for your answer. And for this superb history.
PS: I hope to be able to know the end of this one. Since I find it written well and that until now it is very promising.
3/16/2010 c7 
101Jedi Master Misty Sman-Esay
Sidious has Luke, Padme is running with Leia and I have forgotten where Anakin is. Can this chapter get any worse for our heroes?
101Jedi Master Misty Sman-EsaySidious has Luke, Padme is running with Leia and I have forgotten where Anakin is. Can this chapter get any worse for our heroes?
3/16/2010 c7 Ann Jinn
It's interesting to see how Palpatine will raise a child and try to make him a sith. Even more interesting, how can he train him completely knowing that a powerful user will the replace him like he did his master.
Also, Anakin is still in the picture.
I really like how you are doing this story.
It's interesting to see how Palpatine will raise a child and try to make him a sith. Even more interesting, how can he train him completely knowing that a powerful user will the replace him like he did his master.
Also, Anakin is still in the picture.
I really like how you are doing this story.
8/2/2009 c6 3ProofThatThisIsReal
Well, I just finished reading all of the current chapters, and I see that you have a pretty good way for defining emotion. I, myself, think I'm more adept at writing action-style writing. (does that make sense?)
Okay, for example, in your sentence-
"Extracting the miniature, yet deadly weapon, she smashed the window open. Immediately, the guard dashed into the room, expecting to find the she had climbed out. However, she hid until he was in front of her and struck him with the blade in his torso. She fled out the door, calculating that she'd have approximately thirty to sixty seconds before the other guards would come looking."
I probably would have worded it differently, such as-
"Grasping the miniature yet deadly weapons in her hand, she swung the vibroblade outward in a vicious slash at the window. The transparisteel shattered, scattering glints of light across the floor, and Padmé leaped back behind a near cupboard that lined the room's largest side. Her mind was still racing to form a plan as the door to the room burst open.
A bright red cloak rushed into the room, and the guard brought his pike up into a fighting position as the door ricocheted loudly against the wall. He saw the shattered window immediately, and raced over to it, expecting to find the she had climbed out. Slowly, he began to stick his head out through the now-broken window frame, searching the area below for signs of movement.
As the guard did this, Padmé now found herself in a perfect position behind the guard, her breath beginning to swell up inside her as she tried not to breathe. Then, as the guard was beginning to lean inward, she lunged forward from behind the cupboard, the vibroblade cutting through the air like a proton torpedo.
The guard barely had the time to swivel around before the vibroblade was cutting into his torso. A second later, his pike dropped to the ground with a loud thunk, and his body crumpled beneath it, unmoving, a drapery of red robes.
Padmé let the blade fall out of her hands as she turned back to the still-open doorway. With the thoughts of her unborn children's safety ingrained into her mind, she swiftly sprinted out of the door, her feet moving like a rancor at an eating fest. The still-rational side of her brain was starting to calculating that she'd have approximately thirty to sixty seconds before the other guards would come looking for her, and what in the universe she would be able to do in that time to get her children to safety and find Anakin."
- Hmm, well, anyway, that's my kind of style of writing, kinda. Unfortunetly, it can sometimes get a bit wordy at times, and I don't think that I can express emotion as well as you in it.
Anyway, good luck writing. I'll try to keep reading.
Proof
3ProofThatThisIsRealWell, I just finished reading all of the current chapters, and I see that you have a pretty good way for defining emotion. I, myself, think I'm more adept at writing action-style writing. (does that make sense?)
Okay, for example, in your sentence-
"Extracting the miniature, yet deadly weapon, she smashed the window open. Immediately, the guard dashed into the room, expecting to find the she had climbed out. However, she hid until he was in front of her and struck him with the blade in his torso. She fled out the door, calculating that she'd have approximately thirty to sixty seconds before the other guards would come looking."
I probably would have worded it differently, such as-
"Grasping the miniature yet deadly weapons in her hand, she swung the vibroblade outward in a vicious slash at the window. The transparisteel shattered, scattering glints of light across the floor, and Padmé leaped back behind a near cupboard that lined the room's largest side. Her mind was still racing to form a plan as the door to the room burst open.
A bright red cloak rushed into the room, and the guard brought his pike up into a fighting position as the door ricocheted loudly against the wall. He saw the shattered window immediately, and raced over to it, expecting to find the she had climbed out. Slowly, he began to stick his head out through the now-broken window frame, searching the area below for signs of movement.
As the guard did this, Padmé now found herself in a perfect position behind the guard, her breath beginning to swell up inside her as she tried not to breathe. Then, as the guard was beginning to lean inward, she lunged forward from behind the cupboard, the vibroblade cutting through the air like a proton torpedo.
The guard barely had the time to swivel around before the vibroblade was cutting into his torso. A second later, his pike dropped to the ground with a loud thunk, and his body crumpled beneath it, unmoving, a drapery of red robes.
Padmé let the blade fall out of her hands as she turned back to the still-open doorway. With the thoughts of her unborn children's safety ingrained into her mind, she swiftly sprinted out of the door, her feet moving like a rancor at an eating fest. The still-rational side of her brain was starting to calculating that she'd have approximately thirty to sixty seconds before the other guards would come looking for her, and what in the universe she would be able to do in that time to get her children to safety and find Anakin."
- Hmm, well, anyway, that's my kind of style of writing, kinda. Unfortunetly, it can sometimes get a bit wordy at times, and I don't think that I can express emotion as well as you in it.
Anyway, good luck writing. I'll try to keep reading.
Proof
8/2/2009 c6 18Winterluna
I enjoyed reading this chapter, and I thought it kept up with the continuity of the story's language.
It seemed disconnected from the rest of the chapters. You didn't express the feeling of dread nearly as well as you did in the previous chapters, except when she left Anakin.
The grammar was impeccable this chapter, and the entire story was particularly well written.
-WL
18WinterlunaI enjoyed reading this chapter, and I thought it kept up with the continuity of the story's language.
It seemed disconnected from the rest of the chapters. You didn't express the feeling of dread nearly as well as you did in the previous chapters, except when she left Anakin.
The grammar was impeccable this chapter, and the entire story was particularly well written.
-WL
8/2/2009 c5 Winterluna
This one was incredibly short, but also to the point, which makes it a good chapter.
I didn't like how Sly Moore didn't allow Anakin to console Padmé when he wanted the baby and he wanted a healthy baby.
You left out a comma this time, but that can easily be forgotten.
-WL
This one was incredibly short, but also to the point, which makes it a good chapter.
I didn't like how Sly Moore didn't allow Anakin to console Padmé when he wanted the baby and he wanted a healthy baby.
You left out a comma this time, but that can easily be forgotten.
-WL
8/2/2009 c4 Winterluna
Sorry about the last chapter's short stop. It was an accident, and I shall continue that one here.
I doubt that Palpatine would have gone for the children himself, unless he waited for the sole reason of securing his job. I do believe that Sly Moore would have been so sadistic as that.
As to the fourth chapter, I truly thought all of this was believable. Padmé would not have just sat around, and Anakin would be fearing for the lives of more than just one. You also put the memory in there, expressing that Anakin did have a good side to him, thus supporting your plot further.
I did not see any grammatical errors in either of the chapters, and it looks like you dedicated some time as to avoid that.
-WL
Sorry about the last chapter's short stop. It was an accident, and I shall continue that one here.
I doubt that Palpatine would have gone for the children himself, unless he waited for the sole reason of securing his job. I do believe that Sly Moore would have been so sadistic as that.
As to the fourth chapter, I truly thought all of this was believable. Padmé would not have just sat around, and Anakin would be fearing for the lives of more than just one. You also put the memory in there, expressing that Anakin did have a good side to him, thus supporting your plot further.
I did not see any grammatical errors in either of the chapters, and it looks like you dedicated some time as to avoid that.
-WL
8/2/2009 c3 Winterluna
It seemed that you did quite a bit of research on this, which is just as well. It is quite good for continuity, and I recommend for you to keep using it for stories to come.
An intriguing chapter, to say the least. I don't think that Palpatine would be as careless as to send someone else to get at least one of the twins. I rather thought that he would
It seemed that you did quite a bit of research on this, which is just as well. It is quite good for continuity, and I recommend for you to keep using it for stories to come.
An intriguing chapter, to say the least. I don't think that Palpatine would be as careless as to send someone else to get at least one of the twins. I rather thought that he would
8/2/2009 c2 Winterluna
What I liked most about this chapter was the elements you used from AOTC, ROTS, and ROTJ. They all matched really well into the plot you used in this story. Additionally, how you incorporated a play into this scene was incredibly well crafted.
I find that this was among your best works, contrary to your word. It wasn't like most of your works which consisted of witty sarcasm. I daresay it was a pleasant break from that.
I did notice a spelling error, but you seem otherwise to have a keen eye on your grammar and language use.
All in all, very well done.
-WL
What I liked most about this chapter was the elements you used from AOTC, ROTS, and ROTJ. They all matched really well into the plot you used in this story. Additionally, how you incorporated a play into this scene was incredibly well crafted.
I find that this was among your best works, contrary to your word. It wasn't like most of your works which consisted of witty sarcasm. I daresay it was a pleasant break from that.
I did notice a spelling error, but you seem otherwise to have a keen eye on your grammar and language use.
All in all, very well done.
-WL
8/2/2009 c1 Winterluna
This was well-written and incredibly thought up. It was what should have happened, so it might have been a little bit clichéd as to an AU story set in this time period.
I did like how you hinted that Anakin is the Chosen One and will choose the Jedi over Padmé because then he will in turn help Padmé. Sorry, I'm afraid I'm getting too ahead of myself here.
-WL
This was well-written and incredibly thought up. It was what should have happened, so it might have been a little bit clichéd as to an AU story set in this time period.
I did like how you hinted that Anakin is the Chosen One and will choose the Jedi over Padmé because then he will in turn help Padmé. Sorry, I'm afraid I'm getting too ahead of myself here.
-WL