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for Lucy in Aqualand

10/28/2008 c6 5AlsoSprachOdin
So, that's where the M-rating came from.

Magenta, and if you add a bit of pink, I think we finally have an accurate description of Lucy's hair colour.

Also, if this isn't an AU and Lucy already had her horns removed once, why wouldn't she already know if the missing horn would screw with her hormones?

Alice made zombies feel *pain*? What next? Her not going to become a zombie even though she bit one? Shesh, with this kind of story, why not...

Code Geass, "insipid"? HERESY!

Gonna have to agree with Akira about Encyclopedia Dramatica there. Kouta makes me glad I knew better than to ever check out 4chan.

As for Ten Dimensions, it sounds unlikely as a whole, considering how little we know about even the basics of the human brain.

With the Sonichu amulet lying around on the floor, I'm wondering why Alice hasn't made a run for that thing yet.

On another note, I'm really starting to feel sorry for Yuka, being the resident butt monkey of the universe.
10/19/2008 c4 AlsoSprachOdin
(a bit that I forgot to add in the last review)

Blood isn't dull red where Lucy comes from, and there's a typo: "after she head the song ‘Barbie Girl." Heard.
10/19/2008 c5 1lkarus
oww my brain imploded at how awsome this chapter was ill be waiting for the next chapter:)
10/19/2008 c5 5AlsoSprachOdin
Big chapter. Dammit, are we about done with the hurling? I can understand it's all very traumatic, but this is getting old... okay, it seems we are getting done with it.

But anyway, you wanted to know about your language: You've got the analogies going on, and they are good, but you are about to overuse them, and I don't know what a Pez dispenser is.

And yes, you do have a tendency of writing about things that have no immediate relevance, like: "She wondered why she never really felt the full impact of her bountiful miseries". It's not bad in itself, like the bit about how surprising Lucy found Nyarlahotep's susceptibility to crotch attacks (okay, that was actually kinda relevant) but this you *are* overdoing. Don't do this when a lot of other stuff is already happening at the same time.

I'll not claim to know much Evil Dead lore, but this zombie evil clone can both move at bullet-speed *and* sense Lucy's invisible vectors?

Was going to say something about the way you keep making jokes when really horrible things are going on and the resulting dissonance, but the cliffhanger still gave me that feeling in my stomach. Not as bad as the way I practically screamed at the end of the first Code Geass season (Yes, they ended a whole season with the most horrible of cliffhangers, and I was not the only one who got loud), but it's still pretty bad. Damn, good job.
10/16/2008 c4 1lkarus
awsome yet kinda sad that lucys spiecies was wiped out but other than that its awsome ill be waiting for the next chapter:)
10/9/2008 c2 lkarus
swet nice work it is awsome even though im still on chapter two its still awsome
10/4/2008 c2 5AlsoSprachOdin
Eels? Ew, but nice showing-not-telling.

The zombies came in a little fast there. Poor Ash only has time to calm down a little before the deadites came pouring. And it was a little unclear just where they were coming from and how many there were. Overall, more description would be a good thing.

Lucy is hilarious, though. "Maligned ability", "parasitic bum", "evil alter ego putting up an ‘open’ sign on her little mental shop of horrors." Yeah, that might have been what I meant. Nice self-consciousness.

Typos:

"The definitely was made out of some"

Oh, and you're missing a ‘ after "too young for me."
10/1/2008 c1 1lkarus
awsome ill be waiting for the next chapter
9/26/2008 c1 5AlsoSprachOdin
Wo! Decent writing, AND it doesn't take place right after the last episode!

Never saw Aria before. Looked it up. Emulated Lucy's ax-crazy grin when I found out what Lucy had been dumped into. And Evil Dead too! (rubs hands)

I don't really like your dialogue for Lucy. I only watched the subs, but what I remember is that Lucy was rather concise in her language. The two 'or something's and her talking to herself just seems out of place to me, but I'd be very interested if you disagree. I'm having some difficulty defining Lucy's personality, and how much of Nyu that was her and what was not. She wasn't given a lot of dialogue for her role's importance in the anime.

While I can understand that Lucy is actually supposed to be a pretty intelligent girl and it really wouldn't help her to go leave a trail of corpse-crumbs whereever she goes... what happened to her homicidal tendencies? I didn't even detect the shadow of anything unwholesome about our mutant protagonist.

Oh, and I miss a bit of description of Lucy. Have her horns grown back out like in the Manga, and what threads are she wearing at the moment?

Lastly, and probably because you asked for it, I want to point out that Lucy's vectors can react to and intercept bullets before they can hit Lucy, but here they can't even catch a whole roof before she has fallen with the snail-speed of gravity. Yeah, I like to point out inconsistencies about superpowers.

I look forward to an update.

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