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10/10/2008 c1 BlueParadoxical
This was enjoyable to read. Vivid details, and I especially liked the suspenseful end of chapter 2!I can just picture Bowser's surprise! Just make sure you use italics, or something distinctive, for thoughts of characters. Of course, if you prefer not to, that's fine, not everyone types their stories the same.I would just reccomend setting thoughts off from everything else if italics isn't your preference. Anyway, keep it up! I anticipate plenty of emotion and suspense!
10/4/2008 c1 2KarmaLord
Keep up the great work buddy. Your a great writer:D
10/4/2008 c2 KarmaLord
Love it, cant wait for the new chapter! Ludwig+karma forever!
10/3/2008 c1 1DeviousAlias
"So unless you know a little about Karma Koopa and Teela Yoshi, I suggest reading other stories that may fill you in first."

But...you have no other stories?

Regardless, you should do short introductions for the OCs, to help your readers understand better. Who they are, what relationship they have with the canon, what do they look like...ect. ect.

This story could use some work. I felt that the scenes could've been set-up more (what does the house look like, for example) and the dialog doesn't sound natural. Plus, some of the descriptions could've been worded better.

-the type of mask that covers every part of your face—and she couldn’t see his face. -

See what I mean? The last part wasn't neccessesary, the reader could tell that his face couldn't be seen, for it was covered.

I wanted to say more, but I can't think of much else. It's not a horrible start, but it could be better. The title drew me in though.

Hope this helps.

-The Deviant.

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