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1/13/2011 c5 4paprika-chan
im very proud of you, you should update soon
5/18/2010 c5 5Justthisguyyouknow
If you decide to continue it will be intersting to see where the friendship with Ginny goes as she gets deeper and deeper into Tom Riddle's diary.

The other question, or story really, is just how Lilly came to be.

Well on to the next story.
5/18/2010 c1 Justthisguyyouknow
Well this is dark and nasty, both good things. I am interested to see where it goes.
12/19/2009 c1 tedlay
please keep on writing this story
10/25/2009 c5 1Blue Jewl
it's about time *withering glare*

i am proud of you for the long chapter, though. good job.
10/24/2009 c5 2B.A.Doyle
very much proud of you, keep writing, the chapter was well enjoyed.
6/10/2009 c4 1Blue Jewl
epic WIN! i don't even mind that you didn't follow my advice (i wanted reavenclaw, but i guess you wrote before i replied...)

keep writing! MORE MORE MORE!
6/9/2009 c4 EpicNeutral
Hey, it's Natalie.

"'Because he's a pedophile, Harry'"

THAT was priceless. XD

I do have to say your longer chapters are much better than the short ones. It's not nearly as rushed as the other ones... It's still a bit rushed, but seeing as it's a somewhat short fanfic and not its own novel that's okay.

The best advice I can offer is to take your time. ^_^/~~
6/7/2009 c4 18honeybadger42
Cute story. I'm interested to see where it will go.
6/7/2009 c4 2B.A.Doyle
YAY! Another chapie!

Well writen, please up date soon!
6/7/2009 c4 59ToastWeaselofDOOM
'"Because he's a pedophile, Harry"' *drink comes spurting out of motuh* PFT! XD LOL *dies from laughter*

*ahem* I smell a Mary Sue... watch it, Riin, or the bunnies and I will come and kill your Mary Sue. We mean business.

Love ya, cara. *hugs* Hope to read the next chapter soon! Want me to beta this stuff and send it to you? OCD was twitching the entire time, a bunch of mistakes...
6/5/2009 c3 1Blue Jewl
cool mini-chapter. i'm glad it didn't die. keep writing though! i will bug you until you do. consider yourself bugged to write more.
6/3/2009 c3 2B.A.Doyle
Yay! THank you fro writing another chapter!

Though it is short, it is still good as an introduction of Lily, Ginny, and Luna to hogwarts. Can't wait for the next chapter, up date soon!

6/3/2009 c3 Yashida
You have a nice concept here, however I do think you could do much, much more with it than the mini-mini-chapters you've managed so far...

I don't mean to sound harsh, but if you'd put them all together they'd barely even make one whole chapter.

And you also could put in a lot more depth into your story and the characters. What you have now is a nice story frame, a base to build a real story on, but not a finished product so to say. You have a sketch, but one that is in dire need of details and colour.

Otherwise, your idea for a plot is a good one and one that has a lot of potential. You should try to get all of that potential out of it. This can certainly become a good story if you go for it.

I mean, instead of writing a few lines that give a nice summary of what you want to happen, you should try and elaborate more, explore all possible details you could add, give depth to what you're writing.

For example, when you have Severus running up to the house and seeing the Dark Mark above it; there's a lot more to that scene than what you wrote. I mean details and feelings with that. What time of night is it for example? Is it a dark night or is there a moon out to cast its eery light on the scene? What's the wheather like? Stormy? Chilly? Just automn windy?

You see? That's all background, the painting of your scene, the colour of it. You don't need to spent entire paragraphs on this, but just a few sentences here and there, woven into the action of your story so your reader can get a more complete image.

Oh, and speaking of automn weather, you made quite the canon mistake when you said Lilian was born on august the first. The Potters were murdered on the night of the 31st of october, on Halloween, so depending on the hour of night Lilian would be born either on the 31st of october or the 1st of november.

It's Harry's birthday that's on the 31st of July. I think you might have confused those dates.

Now to continue with my example of detailing your scenes, it's not enough to just add some background details alone. I mean, you have Severus running up to a house with the Dark Mark above it, meaning that the woman he loves, her family and possibly his as of yet unborn child are all dead! That's not the same as him going somewhere for tea. What is he feeling as he runs up there and later when he finds them? Horror comes to mind, fear, hope that against all odds there are survivors... and more.

Put that into your story, let the reader know Severus' state of mind!

And we all know Voldemort cast the killing curse on Lily. Any unborn child she'd be carrying would be affected too by that spell and not survive. If you want the child to survive anyway, you must find a believable reason for it!

Luckily it's a universe of magic your story plays in so you'll have your pick of protection spells, charms or potions to choose from, someting rare and special and of course powerful enough to withstand the killing curse. Severus, Lily and James could have done this protective magic to ensure that even in the event of Lily's death, whatever harmed her would spare her unborn child.

It's your story, you should be able to come up with some sort of plausible explanation for Lilian to survive her mother's death.

I really think that if you rework your story and put more depth and detail in it, you could make this into a very nice story indeed.

I hope you don't mind my criticism too much, but I mean what I said. Your story has potential. It's only up to you to get all of that potential out of your idea.
6/2/2009 c3 59ToastWeaselofDOOM
ZOMG, RIIN'S ALIVE! *shock horror gasp*

HOLD IT, WAIT. I though you aren't allowed on ? *paranoid glance*

I have stories planned stories in advance... *sigh* Must. Type. LIAB2. And. Past Hauntings. *twitch*

I liked! Can't wait for the next one, dearie! ^^
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