
10/8/2009 c1 Not An AuthorandReader No More
Uh.. good details and it's kind of missing something
,yeah it's a good story.:)
Uh.. good details and it's kind of missing something
,yeah it's a good story.:)
8/16/2009 c1
6Marshpelt
This is a good start. Maybe you should try ranging out in your descriptions. You could try describing something other than just the colors. Good job though! It looks promising!

This is a good start. Maybe you should try ranging out in your descriptions. You could try describing something other than just the colors. Good job though! It looks promising!
6/24/2009 c1
7M-S The Master Pokemon Trainer
Good job, but is it supposed to be LightNingsoul? You put Lightingsoul. Just saying. And there's kinda too many golden or yellow cats.

Good job, but is it supposed to be LightNingsoul? You put Lightingsoul. Just saying. And there's kinda too many golden or yellow cats.
6/12/2009 c1 Little Tim
Wow this story sucks. It's really stupid and too short.
Wow this story sucks. It's really stupid and too short.
4/11/2009 c1
1shep218
Um... and you wrote a story about cats with names that sound like crayola colors , why?
-Kate

Um... and you wrote a story about cats with names that sound like crayola colors , why?
-Kate
4/7/2009 c1
3Ryuchie
I agree with Silent Memento.
Though...this could be better if you had a beta reader.
xRyuchie.

I agree with Silent Memento.
Though...this could be better if you had a beta reader.
xRyuchie.
12/26/2008 c1
33Cara Lea Abel
She sounds so sweet, though! Goldstar...why? Well, i thought that Nightshadow is not having a good life. I LOVE HER SO MUCH NOW! this is good, i like your short stories. CX

She sounds so sweet, though! Goldstar...why? Well, i thought that Nightshadow is not having a good life. I LOVE HER SO MUCH NOW! this is good, i like your short stories. CX
11/25/2008 c1
42Kyrandis
[Well here is another story. I hope it is good. Oh and thx i mean thanks for the people who gave me a COMMENT, flames do not count. Well PLEASE review. This is only my second story.]
I wonder what you count as a flame and what you count as constructive criticism.
Oh, well. I would recommend that you capitalize the pronoun 'I' and don't use chatspeak, even if it's in an author's note. By the way, it looked like part of the story; you should separate it with a line break or bold it or something.
Anyways, here's my...constructive criticism.
Firstly, the story's tense...it seems as if you're switching between past and present tense. Try to keep it consistent; it'll save a lot of confusion.
Moving on...
According to your profile, you're fourteen years old, correct? So that means you are in school, correct? Which means you should be in a Language/English class of some sort...correct?
So, have you ever been taught something called 'show, not tell'? In your story, you told everything.
Examples:
[I am a night black she-cat with crimson eyes. I have a reddish tint in my long soft fur. My claws are a deep blood red.]
[My mom was Cherrylight, a brownish silver she-cat with stunning blue eyes. My dad was Goldstar himself, a golden brown tom with green eyes. My brother was Thundercloud, a brownish gold tom with green eyes. My perfect little sister was the medicine cat Waterlily, a gloden silver she-cat with her moms stunning blue eyes.]
[The tom of my dreams is Lightingsoul, a yellow tom with electric blue eyes. He has white paws and a coffee colored tips tail.]
Show...express your character's pelt and eye color. Don't just flat out say it. Here's an example of the last segment I quoted, rewritten:
{The tom of my dreams is Lightningsoul. I long to feel the warmth of his yellow fur against mine, to feel the strength of his electric blue eyes.}
Not the best, I know, but I wrote it in a few seconds, and it's pretty late right now. But anyways, you can see that it shows Lightningsoul's appearance, rather than tell it.
To continue...grammar. Spelling. I noticed quite a few errors. You should read over your fics before posting them, and use spelling and/or grammar check(I know not all programs have grammar check; mine for instance-but I'm fairly sure all typing programs have spell check).
Next up...er...story...segments, I suppose.
[My mom was Cherrylight, a brownish silver she-cat with stunning blue eyes. My dad was Goldstar himself, a golden brown tom with green eyes. My brother was Thundercloud, a brownish gold tom with green eyes. My perfect little sister was the medicine cat Waterlily, a gloden silver she-cat with her moms stunning blue eyes.]
I'm not sure if this even relates to the story at all. It just randomly tells of the character's family. Maybe if you placed it in a different place, or added more text before and after, it would make more sense. At the moment, it's simply random.
[The tom of my dreams is Lightingsoul, a yellow tom with electric blue eyes. He has white paws and a coffee colored tips tail.]
See above.
[I am a night black she-cat with crimson eyes. I have a reddish tint in my long soft fur. My claws are a deep blood red.]
This is...uh...an impossible coat/eye/claw color.
[He has white paws and a coffee colored tips tail.]
I don't think cats know what coffee is. Actually, I doubt it-highly doubt it.
Length...this was a very short fic. It's really not a oneshot, I would think. It appears to be more of a drabble. Well, you could certainly lengthen it more. Give it more detail, and build onto it more.
And last but not least...
The names...I don't even know where to begin with this...well, if you go to my profile, you'll see a little section on Warrior cat names. I would highly appreciate it if you read it, even if you don't agree with it.
I truly think you could become a good author if you improved on your flaws.

[Well here is another story. I hope it is good. Oh and thx i mean thanks for the people who gave me a COMMENT, flames do not count. Well PLEASE review. This is only my second story.]
I wonder what you count as a flame and what you count as constructive criticism.
Oh, well. I would recommend that you capitalize the pronoun 'I' and don't use chatspeak, even if it's in an author's note. By the way, it looked like part of the story; you should separate it with a line break or bold it or something.
Anyways, here's my...constructive criticism.
Firstly, the story's tense...it seems as if you're switching between past and present tense. Try to keep it consistent; it'll save a lot of confusion.
Moving on...
According to your profile, you're fourteen years old, correct? So that means you are in school, correct? Which means you should be in a Language/English class of some sort...correct?
So, have you ever been taught something called 'show, not tell'? In your story, you told everything.
Examples:
[I am a night black she-cat with crimson eyes. I have a reddish tint in my long soft fur. My claws are a deep blood red.]
[My mom was Cherrylight, a brownish silver she-cat with stunning blue eyes. My dad was Goldstar himself, a golden brown tom with green eyes. My brother was Thundercloud, a brownish gold tom with green eyes. My perfect little sister was the medicine cat Waterlily, a gloden silver she-cat with her moms stunning blue eyes.]
[The tom of my dreams is Lightingsoul, a yellow tom with electric blue eyes. He has white paws and a coffee colored tips tail.]
Show...express your character's pelt and eye color. Don't just flat out say it. Here's an example of the last segment I quoted, rewritten:
{The tom of my dreams is Lightningsoul. I long to feel the warmth of his yellow fur against mine, to feel the strength of his electric blue eyes.}
Not the best, I know, but I wrote it in a few seconds, and it's pretty late right now. But anyways, you can see that it shows Lightningsoul's appearance, rather than tell it.
To continue...grammar. Spelling. I noticed quite a few errors. You should read over your fics before posting them, and use spelling and/or grammar check(I know not all programs have grammar check; mine for instance-but I'm fairly sure all typing programs have spell check).
Next up...er...story...segments, I suppose.
[My mom was Cherrylight, a brownish silver she-cat with stunning blue eyes. My dad was Goldstar himself, a golden brown tom with green eyes. My brother was Thundercloud, a brownish gold tom with green eyes. My perfect little sister was the medicine cat Waterlily, a gloden silver she-cat with her moms stunning blue eyes.]
I'm not sure if this even relates to the story at all. It just randomly tells of the character's family. Maybe if you placed it in a different place, or added more text before and after, it would make more sense. At the moment, it's simply random.
[The tom of my dreams is Lightingsoul, a yellow tom with electric blue eyes. He has white paws and a coffee colored tips tail.]
See above.
[I am a night black she-cat with crimson eyes. I have a reddish tint in my long soft fur. My claws are a deep blood red.]
This is...uh...an impossible coat/eye/claw color.
[He has white paws and a coffee colored tips tail.]
I don't think cats know what coffee is. Actually, I doubt it-highly doubt it.
Length...this was a very short fic. It's really not a oneshot, I would think. It appears to be more of a drabble. Well, you could certainly lengthen it more. Give it more detail, and build onto it more.
And last but not least...
The names...I don't even know where to begin with this...well, if you go to my profile, you'll see a little section on Warrior cat names. I would highly appreciate it if you read it, even if you don't agree with it.
I truly think you could become a good author if you improved on your flaws.
10/17/2008 c1 Virtuous Wanderer
Since I'm in the mood to give you some constructive criticism than I will give you some right now. This is not a flame, I'm just giving you some descent advice for the future.
-
[My mom,dad,and my brother and sister hated that they had my blood running in their veins.]
First off, in this sentence you didn't add a space after each listed word; mom, dad, brother. When you're writing, it 'tis proper to always put a space after your commas. For example...
(Dana was dependent of her lover Paul, so their relationship didn't last a long time.)
Another thing that I noticed is that you made Nightshadow refer to her parents as mom and dad. Cats only refer their parents as 'mother and father.' If Kate Cary gave you that idea to use that type of vocabulary amongst your characters than that's really sad.
-
[The darkness circled around me. I was alone, well at least thats what it felt like. My name is Nightshadow. I am a night black she-cat with crimson eyes. I have a reddish tint in my long soft fur. My claws are a deep blood red. Everyone thought I was a curse.]
I'm sorry, but the opening is just dreadful. How about instead of saying, 'the darkness circled around me' try to say, 'it was dark.' Your character acts like a third grader trying to describe what's around her. I want your characters to have a personality, so I'm going to give you my version of this paragraph.
(As the sun sank below the horizon, darkness engulfed the rich lands around me. I raised my chin to look up upon silverpelt; its white, pale color made me gaze. I shook my head. "No... I can't do it; I can't look at it. Not after what I've done.")
If you had me as a beta reader this might end up being the opening to your story. If you're not interested than I guess that you'll be smothered with flames.
-
It's your choice, choose wisely. ;)
Out to better the fandom~
Hawk
Since I'm in the mood to give you some constructive criticism than I will give you some right now. This is not a flame, I'm just giving you some descent advice for the future.
-
[My mom,dad,and my brother and sister hated that they had my blood running in their veins.]
First off, in this sentence you didn't add a space after each listed word; mom, dad, brother. When you're writing, it 'tis proper to always put a space after your commas. For example...
(Dana was dependent of her lover Paul, so their relationship didn't last a long time.)
Another thing that I noticed is that you made Nightshadow refer to her parents as mom and dad. Cats only refer their parents as 'mother and father.' If Kate Cary gave you that idea to use that type of vocabulary amongst your characters than that's really sad.
-
[The darkness circled around me. I was alone, well at least thats what it felt like. My name is Nightshadow. I am a night black she-cat with crimson eyes. I have a reddish tint in my long soft fur. My claws are a deep blood red. Everyone thought I was a curse.]
I'm sorry, but the opening is just dreadful. How about instead of saying, 'the darkness circled around me' try to say, 'it was dark.' Your character acts like a third grader trying to describe what's around her. I want your characters to have a personality, so I'm going to give you my version of this paragraph.
(As the sun sank below the horizon, darkness engulfed the rich lands around me. I raised my chin to look up upon silverpelt; its white, pale color made me gaze. I shook my head. "No... I can't do it; I can't look at it. Not after what I've done.")
If you had me as a beta reader this might end up being the opening to your story. If you're not interested than I guess that you'll be smothered with flames.
-
It's your choice, choose wisely. ;)
Out to better the fandom~
Hawk
10/9/2008 c1 Promise Nottinger
The first two sentences were very good. That was a great hook. Your problem is that you listed everything. That got boring very fast.
The first two sentences were very good. That was a great hook. Your problem is that you listed everything. That got boring very fast.
10/8/2008 c1 aurora
This is actually, honestly, really... Good. honestly! :D
_
Also, people, there's a such thing as creative license. There are many stories with that kind of thing - it's supposed to make them special. Leave angelfang alone and go pick on somebody as horrible as you are. Yes, silent memento, XoTwilightDoveoX, Smart Aleckette, Soviet Connection, Cinnamonpool... i'm talking to you. No cusswords, and don't flame stuff for the sake of who wrote it. Stop picking on angelfang. I mean it! Now!
_
writing tips FOR EVERYONE: You could try seperating author's notes from the story with underscores/etc.
Also, if you have a lot of really short chapters, you could make them one big chapter. :)
Also: MAJOR TIP: Try not to use cusswords in your stories or reviews, blocked out or not. That tends to put people off a bit. (hint hint to the reviewers who use them)
_
-auroraflight
This is actually, honestly, really... Good. honestly! :D
_
Also, people, there's a such thing as creative license. There are many stories with that kind of thing - it's supposed to make them special. Leave angelfang alone and go pick on somebody as horrible as you are. Yes, silent memento, XoTwilightDoveoX, Smart Aleckette, Soviet Connection, Cinnamonpool... i'm talking to you. No cusswords, and don't flame stuff for the sake of who wrote it. Stop picking on angelfang. I mean it! Now!
_
writing tips FOR EVERYONE: You could try seperating author's notes from the story with underscores/etc.
Also, if you have a lot of really short chapters, you could make them one big chapter. :)
Also: MAJOR TIP: Try not to use cusswords in your stories or reviews, blocked out or not. That tends to put people off a bit. (hint hint to the reviewers who use them)
_
-auroraflight