for More than Static8/23/2009 c1 
4Mirrored In My Mind
I'm going to be perfectly honest. I didn't much enjoy this - in fact, I could hardly get through it. Let's take a look at the grammar first of all, alright?
Your spelling is alright, which is good. Too many decent stories are marred by awful spelling. It makes it hard to read.
It's very important to keep your tenses straight. You start out in past tense - 'Shadows stripped the metal bound school of any warm feeling'. Then, suddenly, you switch to present - 'an amazing thing she is'. You alternate between the two throughout the whole thing and it throws the reader off.
Now that that's covered, let's take a look at your character.
First piece that worried me: this character is potentially more powerful than Jean. One of the cardinal rules of X-Men - or any fandom, really - is that no original character should be stronger than a canon character. You just don't do it. If your character is more powerful than a class five mutant hellbent on freedom (X3, anyone?), then I'm not going to want to read about her getting her way or pretending to be a damsel in distress.
Nextly: the power. Lightning is highly overused, in my own opinion, and being able to harness it to attack when she was younger than ten makes little sense. In the movies, Xavier specifically states that the dormant X-gene is triggered by a combination of puberty and stress.
Lastly: the horrible past. Believe it or not, it is possible for a decent original character to be made that was not put through intense mental trauma as a child. While it is shown that prejudice and fear can have disturbing effects on the family, it is not entirely necessary nor is it entirely wanted to have the parents lash out at the child and either physically or emotionally injure them. Every author(ess) has probably read at least one OC story where the new person has come from a haunted background and has felt just a little bit irritated as a result.
I realize and understand that you have twenty-four chapters already. I am simply giving you my opinion on the first.
Twitch
4Mirrored In My MindI'm going to be perfectly honest. I didn't much enjoy this - in fact, I could hardly get through it. Let's take a look at the grammar first of all, alright?
Your spelling is alright, which is good. Too many decent stories are marred by awful spelling. It makes it hard to read.
It's very important to keep your tenses straight. You start out in past tense - 'Shadows stripped the metal bound school of any warm feeling'. Then, suddenly, you switch to present - 'an amazing thing she is'. You alternate between the two throughout the whole thing and it throws the reader off.
Now that that's covered, let's take a look at your character.
First piece that worried me: this character is potentially more powerful than Jean. One of the cardinal rules of X-Men - or any fandom, really - is that no original character should be stronger than a canon character. You just don't do it. If your character is more powerful than a class five mutant hellbent on freedom (X3, anyone?), then I'm not going to want to read about her getting her way or pretending to be a damsel in distress.
Nextly: the power. Lightning is highly overused, in my own opinion, and being able to harness it to attack when she was younger than ten makes little sense. In the movies, Xavier specifically states that the dormant X-gene is triggered by a combination of puberty and stress.
Lastly: the horrible past. Believe it or not, it is possible for a decent original character to be made that was not put through intense mental trauma as a child. While it is shown that prejudice and fear can have disturbing effects on the family, it is not entirely necessary nor is it entirely wanted to have the parents lash out at the child and either physically or emotionally injure them. Every author(ess) has probably read at least one OC story where the new person has come from a haunted background and has felt just a little bit irritated as a result.
I realize and understand that you have twenty-four chapters already. I am simply giving you my opinion on the first.
Twitch
4/10/2009 c20 1GabbyTheAngel
Please keep writing! I just got into this earlier this morning, and couldn't stop. Great story!
1GabbyTheAngelPlease keep writing! I just got into this earlier this morning, and couldn't stop. Great story!
3/8/2009 c18 3kittyqueen101
omg, i love this story and i find it awsome. i like how u incorparate the movies, but then a gain u dont. i like this fanfic alot.
3kittyqueen101omg, i love this story and i find it awsome. i like how u incorparate the movies, but then a gain u dont. i like this fanfic alot.
3/8/2009 c17 11Wordspin
The way you portrayed Cally's mum was beautiful, she seems to be such a determined character. I would certainly like to see more of her.
11WordspinThe way you portrayed Cally's mum was beautiful, she seems to be such a determined character. I would certainly like to see more of her.
3/8/2009 c14 Wordspin
This chapter was a bit rushed, in my opinion - you could have given a bit more detailed account on what transpired during that month after the club. Maybe show how Cally began getting control over her powers little by little, describe how her secret relationship with John evolved.
But, this must be the only fic having a female OC incorporated into the X2 plot in which the girl doesn't go on the museum field trip. And that showed originality, so congrats. Having Stryker get Cally rather than her joining the others and escaping to Boston was also another good moment of avoiding some cliches.
This chapter was a bit rushed, in my opinion - you could have given a bit more detailed account on what transpired during that month after the club. Maybe show how Cally began getting control over her powers little by little, describe how her secret relationship with John evolved.
But, this must be the only fic having a female OC incorporated into the X2 plot in which the girl doesn't go on the museum field trip. And that showed originality, so congrats. Having Stryker get Cally rather than her joining the others and escaping to Boston was also another good moment of avoiding some cliches.
3/8/2009 c13 Wordspin
I think you handled this chapter quite nicely. Cally nearly losing control, the description of that was vivid. And revealing Stryker to be Serena's uncle adds a nice twist to the story.
I think you handled this chapter quite nicely. Cally nearly losing control, the description of that was vivid. And revealing Stryker to be Serena's uncle adds a nice twist to the story.
3/8/2009 c10 Wordspin
That humorous touch in the end was such a wonderful finishing touch for this chapter!
That humorous touch in the end was such a wonderful finishing touch for this chapter!
3/8/2009 c8 Wordspin
Cally forgiving her father in the end was a very sweet moment, simply-writen, but still stirring.
Cally forgiving her father in the end was a very sweet moment, simply-writen, but still stirring.
3/8/2009 c7 Wordspin
The interaction between Cally and Bobby was well-written. It's so beautiful to have such interactions in stories, they really show more of the characters' inner world.
The interaction between Cally and Bobby was well-written. It's so beautiful to have such interactions in stories, they really show more of the characters' inner world.
3/8/2009 c6 Wordspin
Even tough that power surge and sudden control of her powers Callie had in the previous chapter was really something for someone who claimed to have no control over it, I guess the simple explanation provided in this chapter straightened things out. Fear might have driven her to subconsciously keep her electricity in check in order to survive. Simple, but sufficient.
And teleport through electricity? Interesting.
Even tough that power surge and sudden control of her powers Callie had in the previous chapter was really something for someone who claimed to have no control over it, I guess the simple explanation provided in this chapter straightened things out. Fear might have driven her to subconsciously keep her electricity in check in order to survive. Simple, but sufficient.
And teleport through electricity? Interesting.