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for Cupid's Chokehold

10/18/2012 c2 2VictoriaKing12321
Omg write the next chapter! Its kkiiiillllllliiiinnnngggg me!
5/23/2011 c1 The Editor
Too much is happening here.

You take no time to introduce us to your OC's; instead you plaster celebrity faces over them before the story has even begun so you won't have to bother describing them. Not to mention you're already alienating people who may not care for those particular celebrities. You'll have lost a lot of readers before the first sentence of your story because they don't want to picture Taylor Swift with their fictional crush.

Most of your paragraphs are filled with run on sentences, overloads of pointless information and badly written dialogue. It's all so rushed that I can almost hear my inner reading voice run out of breath in my mind.

Your original characters are too dramatic, (nobody shouts "NOO!" in real life) and seem bipolar. They go from shocked to angry to grinning all in the matter of a couple of sentences with little to no indication as to why.

Griffin is horribly out of character later in the story. People want to read about him because he's a hostile, arrogant and flawed character, which makes for fun writing. If you insist on putting him in a situation in which he has knocked up a girl he slept with on a whim four months ago, at least make him surprised, angry, shocked - SOMETHING that rings truer to his character than the cliche "I'm gonna be a daddy" spiel.

Also, "love" is spelled L-O-V-E. I don't understand why people think the spelling is different because a guy with an accent is saying it; it's not. L-O-V-E.

The fact that so many mistakes have been made in just the first chapter (you call it a prologue, but you clearly have your definitions of what a prologue actually is mixed up) is almost an achievement.

Just. . .keep at it and work on some of the stuff. If you need help with writing you can contact me any time. I just want to help.
12/18/2010 c2 1DarkFireAngel00
i love it! upload!
10/19/2010 c2 Sonny13
Love your story! Sad though:'( Update ASAP!
8/16/2009 c1 Xdeath-godX
are you continueing this story? i like so afar. hope griff is a bad man and irresistable. um... didnt read all of it kuz i have to get back to work but ill finish on my free time.
5/21/2009 c2 musicluver246
this is a really good story so please don't cancel it or put it on hiatus.* 5 stars.
4/14/2009 c2 Avangeline Spring
Poor Grace.
4/10/2009 c1 4i-is-all-brains
you can't be serious?

taylor swift?


Griffin has a bit more taste than that!
3/9/2009 c2 4Hope and love
i love it!
3/8/2009 c2 Black Blood Exorcist
OMG!That was soo sad at the ending...I actually nearly cried!T-T

Amazing chapter,very glad you updated^O^Can't wait for the next chapter!^-^
2/27/2009 c1 3kbird213
Loved it! to be continued?
11/9/2008 c1 Black Blood Exorcist
I love the story so far!I hope you update soon!
11/3/2008 c1 182Lalaith Quetzalli
So...this is before or after the movie?

I mean, are Del and little Caleb gonna make an appearance some time in the movie, or maybe, if this is after, Millie and David will visit at some point.

I think the idea is pretty sweet. Can't wait to see what else you give us.

Update soon please!
10/26/2008 c1 4Hope and love
i love it! Update SOon!
10/20/2008 c1 6ClosetCase
Wow, I can't believe no one has reviewed!

I definately like it although just so you know Griffin's last name is O'Connor. Just in case you didn't know before :)

He does seem a little ooc but only when the baby part kicks in, in which case it really isn't too bad. I like seeing a happy Griffin, although I still love that smug hot Griffin too... haha.

Definately write more please!

Xoxo, Kat.

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