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for Angels In The Room

11/2/2008 c1 2IceColdSoDa94
AW! that was adorable! Good job!
10/30/2008 c1 20Little Miss Bovver
I loved it! Haha, i loved how you made Harry and Martin so different... i could always imagine Harry really sweet and Johnny really rough. :D An excellent job! x
10/29/2008 c1 10Baxley
This was a very interesting story. At first I was concerned and had to look at the rating but was relieved when it was rated M.

I would have liked to have seen more descriptions (not of the sex scenes, they were tastefully done) but of how they were really feeling; their fears, their worries, etc.

You make the same mistake many inexperienced writers make by using he/she too often. example, you wrote: "She made sure to wear something to impress him. She wore a blue dress with yellow and pink flowers, black and brown heels and a gold chain with a white heart pendant with flowers like the ones on her dress."

This could have been written to make it easier for the reader to understand. I had to reread these two sentences over and over before I could fully understand what you were trying to describe.

An example would be - She made sure to wear something to impress him. Picking a blue dress with yellow and pink flowers, she slipped on her favorite black and brown heels. Around her delicate neck she hung a pendant in the shape of a white heart decorated with tiny painted flowers that matched the ones on her dress. It hung beautifully from a gold chain.

Also, you need to use commas more and watch your spelling.

Towards the end you wrote: "He was defiantly the luckiest man in the world." The word you were looking for was definitely.

Otherwise a fairly good short story. I liked it very much.

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