for Anonymous4/25/2004 c5 
11LEJ418
I really liked that it was very cute. Theres just something about it I can't quite put my finger on that makes me really happy in it. Anyhow very well written story
11LEJ418I really liked that it was very cute. Theres just something about it I can't quite put my finger on that makes me really happy in it. Anyhow very well written story
3/24/2004 c5 maria
ONE WORD: SEQUEL!SEQUEL!SEQUEL!SEQUEL!SEQUEL!SEQUEL!SEQUEL!SEQUEL!SEQUEL!
ONE WORD: SEQUEL!SEQUEL!SEQUEL!SEQUEL!SEQUEL!SEQUEL!SEQUEL!SEQUEL!SEQUEL!
3/6/2004 c5 Starry Nightz
Please, Please, Please! Lol, that reminds me of Peter Pan...
Please, Please, Please! Lol, that reminds me of Peter Pan...
11/25/2003 c1 Disassembly of Reason
This chapter consists of two scenes, both from Ginny's POV in a JKR-ish manner (that is, in third person). The scenes are clearly separated by a section break - good idea, it helps the reader to follow the action more easily.
Except for Ginny's lingering trauma over the events of her first year, which has been revived in the wake of Voldemort's return at the end of her third year, the second war against Voldemort has no role to speak of in this story. One can infer that the story is a "fifth-year fic" - set during Ginny's fourth year and Harry's fifth - as it was written pre-OOTP. Consequently, it's now AU regarding both Ginny's and Harry's romantic relationships. (Nothing wrong with that, of course.)
Some believable new information is established about Ginny's character in this chapter, which is more *about* the diary entry than the diary entry itself (which is rather short).
We learned in _Chamber of Secrets_ that Ginny was a diarist; it seems logical that she would hesitate to keep another formal bound diary, but would still have the urge to express herself in diary form when at a loose end. This is also convenient as a plot point; we know for a fact that the mysterious "anonymous" has only had a chance to read the single diary entry shown in this chapter, and has no information not provided to the reader.
From the diary entry itself, we learn that Ginny had recurring nightmares after her first year, which faded away over time but have now returned since Voldemort's rebirth. Very logical that Riddle's return at the end of Ginny's third year would have this effect. Very nasty twist that bad as the actual events in the Chamber were for her, her nightmares have now taken a turn for the worse, in which Harry is defeated by Riddle.
The anonymous written reply to the diary entry makes sense, given what we later learn of the author's identity (Harry himself). Responding to Ginny in person would have embarrassed her greatly, even if "anonymous" could express himself so fluently in face-to-face conversation, without having time to polish his comforting words. Anonymous is also careful not to cover up the more obvious clues to his identity, just mentioning that he heard about what had happened, and avoiding the use of Voldemort's name.
The content of the diary entry is an extremely plausible way to set up the anonymous correspondence on what is, at first, only a friendly/protective basis. Knowing Harry, he would feel guilty at not having been able to protect Ginny from the entire Chamber episode, and he's certainly in a position to sympathize with someone who suffers recurring nightmares, as he himself is prone to them as well as to curse-scar visions. All told, now that he knows Ginny is having problems, it's in character for Harry to try to help Ginny as best he can - and since the Dursleys basically conditioned him not to open up to people, that he would stick with the letter-writing tactic. In the open, notice that he makes an effort there, too; he asks Ginny to accompany the trio to Hogsmeade, which would let him keep an eye on her and make sure she's OK without being obvious about it.
Congratuations on doing proper background research: as we know from _Quidditch Through the Ages_, Ron's team, the Chudley Cannons, are truly pathetic. It's only natural that any of his siblings who weren't masochistic enough to be fellow Chudley fans would 1) care enough about Quidditch to support another team, and 2) would get on Ron's case about his team's appalling record.
Nice touch, that Ginny and Hermione watch Gryffindor's Quidditch practices together. The girls have been friends since at least the Yule Ball in Ginny's third year; Ginny comes from a Quidditch-mad family (and as we learned in OOTP not only cares about it, but plays well); and, of course, each is interested in one of the Gryffindor players.
If the intent is to imitate JKR's style, Ron's coarse remark about defeating Slytherin shouldn't be stated directly, and certainly not without a "Ron!" rebuke from Hermione.
If the Quidditch schedule follows that in canon, this chapter occurs in October of Harry's fifth year in this AU. Gryffindor-Slytherin is traditionally the first match, played in October, and the first Hogsmeade visit of the year is also generally in October.
Copyediting nitpicks:
- The text of diary entries, journal entries, and letters should be set off in italics to distinguish it from the surrounding text. This would also permit the author to space between paragraphs within such items with less risk of confusion to the reader.
- The chapter's spacing between paragraphs is inconsistent; sometimes two or more paragraphs are run together without being separated by blank lines.
- "First" in "first year" should be spelled out as a word; "butterbeer" is one word, not two.
- The story as a whole needs proofreading for:
1) capitalization of proper names (Firebolt, the Great Hall, the Hospital Wing, Quidditch, Snitch, Whomping Willow, You-Know-Who, Yule Ball) and titles (Professor Binns, Keeper)
2) spelling of proper names (the Chudley Cannons , Hogsmeade, Beauxbatons); in particular, "Anonymous" should be treated consistently as a proper name.
This chapter consists of two scenes, both from Ginny's POV in a JKR-ish manner (that is, in third person). The scenes are clearly separated by a section break - good idea, it helps the reader to follow the action more easily.
Except for Ginny's lingering trauma over the events of her first year, which has been revived in the wake of Voldemort's return at the end of her third year, the second war against Voldemort has no role to speak of in this story. One can infer that the story is a "fifth-year fic" - set during Ginny's fourth year and Harry's fifth - as it was written pre-OOTP. Consequently, it's now AU regarding both Ginny's and Harry's romantic relationships. (Nothing wrong with that, of course.)
Some believable new information is established about Ginny's character in this chapter, which is more *about* the diary entry than the diary entry itself (which is rather short).
We learned in _Chamber of Secrets_ that Ginny was a diarist; it seems logical that she would hesitate to keep another formal bound diary, but would still have the urge to express herself in diary form when at a loose end. This is also convenient as a plot point; we know for a fact that the mysterious "anonymous" has only had a chance to read the single diary entry shown in this chapter, and has no information not provided to the reader.
From the diary entry itself, we learn that Ginny had recurring nightmares after her first year, which faded away over time but have now returned since Voldemort's rebirth. Very logical that Riddle's return at the end of Ginny's third year would have this effect. Very nasty twist that bad as the actual events in the Chamber were for her, her nightmares have now taken a turn for the worse, in which Harry is defeated by Riddle.
The anonymous written reply to the diary entry makes sense, given what we later learn of the author's identity (Harry himself). Responding to Ginny in person would have embarrassed her greatly, even if "anonymous" could express himself so fluently in face-to-face conversation, without having time to polish his comforting words. Anonymous is also careful not to cover up the more obvious clues to his identity, just mentioning that he heard about what had happened, and avoiding the use of Voldemort's name.
The content of the diary entry is an extremely plausible way to set up the anonymous correspondence on what is, at first, only a friendly/protective basis. Knowing Harry, he would feel guilty at not having been able to protect Ginny from the entire Chamber episode, and he's certainly in a position to sympathize with someone who suffers recurring nightmares, as he himself is prone to them as well as to curse-scar visions. All told, now that he knows Ginny is having problems, it's in character for Harry to try to help Ginny as best he can - and since the Dursleys basically conditioned him not to open up to people, that he would stick with the letter-writing tactic. In the open, notice that he makes an effort there, too; he asks Ginny to accompany the trio to Hogsmeade, which would let him keep an eye on her and make sure she's OK without being obvious about it.
Congratuations on doing proper background research: as we know from _Quidditch Through the Ages_, Ron's team, the Chudley Cannons, are truly pathetic. It's only natural that any of his siblings who weren't masochistic enough to be fellow Chudley fans would 1) care enough about Quidditch to support another team, and 2) would get on Ron's case about his team's appalling record.
Nice touch, that Ginny and Hermione watch Gryffindor's Quidditch practices together. The girls have been friends since at least the Yule Ball in Ginny's third year; Ginny comes from a Quidditch-mad family (and as we learned in OOTP not only cares about it, but plays well); and, of course, each is interested in one of the Gryffindor players.
If the intent is to imitate JKR's style, Ron's coarse remark about defeating Slytherin shouldn't be stated directly, and certainly not without a "Ron!" rebuke from Hermione.
If the Quidditch schedule follows that in canon, this chapter occurs in October of Harry's fifth year in this AU. Gryffindor-Slytherin is traditionally the first match, played in October, and the first Hogsmeade visit of the year is also generally in October.
Copyediting nitpicks:
- The text of diary entries, journal entries, and letters should be set off in italics to distinguish it from the surrounding text. This would also permit the author to space between paragraphs within such items with less risk of confusion to the reader.
- The chapter's spacing between paragraphs is inconsistent; sometimes two or more paragraphs are run together without being separated by blank lines.
- "First" in "first year" should be spelled out as a word; "butterbeer" is one word, not two.
- The story as a whole needs proofreading for:
1) capitalization of proper names (Firebolt, the Great Hall, the Hospital Wing, Quidditch, Snitch, Whomping Willow, You-Know-Who, Yule Ball) and titles (Professor Binns, Keeper)
2) spelling of proper names (the Chudley Cannons , Hogsmeade, Beauxbatons); in particular, "Anonymous" should be treated consistently as a proper name.
11/25/2003 c2 Disassembly of Reason
Since they're friends, and we know from the Yule Ball that they confide in one another about their romantic relationships, it makes sense that Ginny would confide in Hermione about the letter writer. At this stage, Ginny's quite right; he isn't a secret admirer, as yet.
It would seem more plausible that Madam Hooch, the flying instructor who oversees Quidditch practices when there's a need for increased security, would have been the closest teacher, rather than McGonagall.
Ginny really does know Harry; she reassures him that his Firebolt is fine before he even had to ask. The reference to Whomping Willows brings up the memory of how Harry lost his Nimbus 20 in the last flying accident that managed to knock him out.
Perceptive observation, that Harry would have had quite a struggle to get out of Pomfrey's clutches without spending the entire night in the Hospital Wing.
Copyediting nitpicks:
- The "secret admirer" paragraph should be split into two paragraphs; as it is, it's written as though Hermione were speaking throughout, although Ginny is actually speaking during the second sentence. Likewise, Harry's conversation with Ginny should be reparagraphed to separate out the dialogue according to who is speaking.
- Madam Pomfrey's proper title is "Madam", not "Madame".
Since they're friends, and we know from the Yule Ball that they confide in one another about their romantic relationships, it makes sense that Ginny would confide in Hermione about the letter writer. At this stage, Ginny's quite right; he isn't a secret admirer, as yet.
It would seem more plausible that Madam Hooch, the flying instructor who oversees Quidditch practices when there's a need for increased security, would have been the closest teacher, rather than McGonagall.
Ginny really does know Harry; she reassures him that his Firebolt is fine before he even had to ask. The reference to Whomping Willows brings up the memory of how Harry lost his Nimbus 20 in the last flying accident that managed to knock him out.
Perceptive observation, that Harry would have had quite a struggle to get out of Pomfrey's clutches without spending the entire night in the Hospital Wing.
Copyediting nitpicks:
- The "secret admirer" paragraph should be split into two paragraphs; as it is, it's written as though Hermione were speaking throughout, although Ginny is actually speaking during the second sentence. Likewise, Harry's conversation with Ginny should be reparagraphed to separate out the dialogue according to who is speaking.
- Madam Pomfrey's proper title is "Madam", not "Madame".
11/25/2003 c3 Disassembly of Reason
Nice construction of a believable coincidence: since Ginny's nightmares have let up now that she has someone to confide in, she doesn't need the pendant, and has given it to Anonymous - who *really* is in a position to appreciate it.
I suspect that both Harry and Ron had to be at fault to have a mid-air collision - either should have been able to dodge the other. Harry has a point, though - since Ron as Keeper is comparatively stationary, the onus really ought to fall on Harry to avoid running into him.
Makes sense that to keep his cover as Anonymous, Harry asked in his letter what Ginny's holiday plans were, although he must have known about them by then. Although since few students stay at school over Christmas, he's risking blowing his cover by continuing to write, which suggests quite nicely that the letters have come to mean something to him. (Of course, the Christmas Ball announcement later compensated for that by ensuring that a lot of students would stay over.)
Nice touch, that he'd appreciate his only visitor in the Hospital Wing.
Good for Ginny, that she retaliated to Harry's teasing about her poetry with Peeves' embarrassing song about *him* from that same year, which really plagued him (the one Peeves even came up with a dance routine for).
Pity that Harry didn't work up the nerve to ask Ginny to the ball properly.
Copyediting nitpicks:
- A/N embedded in the text really disrupt the flow of a story.
Nice construction of a believable coincidence: since Ginny's nightmares have let up now that she has someone to confide in, she doesn't need the pendant, and has given it to Anonymous - who *really* is in a position to appreciate it.
I suspect that both Harry and Ron had to be at fault to have a mid-air collision - either should have been able to dodge the other. Harry has a point, though - since Ron as Keeper is comparatively stationary, the onus really ought to fall on Harry to avoid running into him.
Makes sense that to keep his cover as Anonymous, Harry asked in his letter what Ginny's holiday plans were, although he must have known about them by then. Although since few students stay at school over Christmas, he's risking blowing his cover by continuing to write, which suggests quite nicely that the letters have come to mean something to him. (Of course, the Christmas Ball announcement later compensated for that by ensuring that a lot of students would stay over.)
Nice touch, that he'd appreciate his only visitor in the Hospital Wing.
Good for Ginny, that she retaliated to Harry's teasing about her poetry with Peeves' embarrassing song about *him* from that same year, which really plagued him (the one Peeves even came up with a dance routine for).
Pity that Harry didn't work up the nerve to ask Ginny to the ball properly.
Copyediting nitpicks:
- A/N embedded in the text really disrupt the flow of a story.
11/25/2003 c4 Disassembly of Reason
Was the name "Emily" as one of Ginny's year-mates a coincidence, or did it have anything to do with Arabella and Zsenya's fanfic universe? (Arabella's _The Very Secret Diary_ for Ginny's first year is very good, and develops all of Ginny's classmates a little, even the Slytherins she has Potions with.)
The odd thing is that the twins haven't yanked Harry's chain by stealing his glasses before, but possibly it's just such a cheap shot that they feel they can do better. I'd expect Harry to be more obviously embarrassed at running into Ginny. (I'd also expect the boys' and girls' dormitories to have separate bathrooms.)
Good point, that Harry was so awkward about dancing last time because he'd never been taught (and he didn't care for Parvati leading).
Copyediting nitpicks:
- Needs spellcheck ("Quidditch practice", "to dance if you are").
Was the name "Emily" as one of Ginny's year-mates a coincidence, or did it have anything to do with Arabella and Zsenya's fanfic universe? (Arabella's _The Very Secret Diary_ for Ginny's first year is very good, and develops all of Ginny's classmates a little, even the Slytherins she has Potions with.)
The odd thing is that the twins haven't yanked Harry's chain by stealing his glasses before, but possibly it's just such a cheap shot that they feel they can do better. I'd expect Harry to be more obviously embarrassed at running into Ginny. (I'd also expect the boys' and girls' dormitories to have separate bathrooms.)
Good point, that Harry was so awkward about dancing last time because he'd never been taught (and he didn't care for Parvati leading).
Copyediting nitpicks:
- Needs spellcheck ("Quidditch practice", "to dance if you are").
11/25/2003 c5 Disassembly of Reason
Seems odd, that Ginny wouldn't feel conflicted about meeting Anonymous when she has feelings for Harry, given that she isn't aware that they're the same person.
Rather abrupt mention of losing to Slytherin; we haven't had a clue about it up till now. It couldn't have been due to the mid-air collision, since that was supposed to have happened during a practice rather than a match. If the chapter is ever re-edited, BTW, I suggest changing the captaincy to Angelina to align more closely with canon. (Putting the twins in charge of something is a worrying idea, anyway.)
Poor Ginny, no wonder she got so angry, especially after hearing Hermione's remark that Harry's been leading her on. It really does give the appearance of the trio having been laughing at her expense all this time.
"Does this mean I still have to ask you out?" is a good line to close on; well done.
Copyediting nitpicks:
- Spellcheck, especially the chapter title.
- "Three Broomsticks" should be spelled out.
Seems odd, that Ginny wouldn't feel conflicted about meeting Anonymous when she has feelings for Harry, given that she isn't aware that they're the same person.
Rather abrupt mention of losing to Slytherin; we haven't had a clue about it up till now. It couldn't have been due to the mid-air collision, since that was supposed to have happened during a practice rather than a match. If the chapter is ever re-edited, BTW, I suggest changing the captaincy to Angelina to align more closely with canon. (Putting the twins in charge of something is a worrying idea, anyway.)
Poor Ginny, no wonder she got so angry, especially after hearing Hermione's remark that Harry's been leading her on. It really does give the appearance of the trio having been laughing at her expense all this time.
"Does this mean I still have to ask you out?" is a good line to close on; well done.
Copyediting nitpicks:
- Spellcheck, especially the chapter title.
- "Three Broomsticks" should be spelled out.