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12/24/2015 c1 Guest
nooooooooo 7 years living with a cliffie... *crying*
4/2/2010 c1 17Biisaiyowaq
Oh! Beware!...of the camera dude! Sheesh, I sound like the Box Ghost...

12/18/2008 c1
Not an evil cliffie at all. In fact, the various reactions of the people are very predictable. Anyway, this format really isn't allowed on fanfiction. net I know, because I once got into trouble for it. Other than the deplorable amount of actual writing, it's... an okay fic.
12/17/2008 c1 22Princess of Rose
This has a lot of potential- don't go abusing it, all right?

Don't know what I mean? Let me gave you some pointers.

You could have quite a good story going here if it weren't in script. I know I've published script once, but it only seems to wrok well on comedies. So, If I were you I'd change it to regular.

For example-

Instead of-

Box Ghost: BEWARE OF MY...MY..-

change it to,

"BEWARE OF MY...MY...-" The Box Ghost shouted, unable to finish his sentence.


Danny: (Listening to Living Dead Girl on his MP3)What? I can't hear you! Oh, Okay, no more doom?

Changes to,

"What? I can't hear you? Oh, okay, no more doom?" Danny replied, listing to Living dead Girl on his MP3 player.

And so on.

This is only a critique, not a flame. Take my tips if you want, or ignore them, whatever you choose.



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