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2/2/2010 c1 13Ganheim
shrub and cactuses


I continued my stroll along the high mountain tops.

[Wait, didn’t you describe her as looking _up_ at the plateaus?]

possibly no older then the age of twenty-eight.

[That’s rather specific (instead of “possibly”), and given the nature of The World how would she know?]

“Your that player


numbers sashayed around

[You’re using “sashay” a lot, don’t overdo it. The thesaurus is your friend]

allowing the whip to slide back into my arm. The bracelet melted into nonexistence.

[So does she have a bracelet or a strange piercing whip?]

data before, creating

[Superfluous comma]

I’m not actually sure where this story is going, but the story hasn’t been updated in a while and the intro feels fairly incomplete. I know some may say "leave more questions than answers" for an intro, but you want your audience to be grounded and this intro feels a little weak for that purpose.
9/18/2009 c2 2Tri-Emperor of The Twilight
Good chapter since Katie is interested in Graphics while Piros be a main character?

If writing this chapter took work then that means you probably thought about things like word variety and story flow which should payoff.
7/5/2009 c4 Autumnmycat23
Hey! It's been a while. I see you redid your story here. This is kind of weird but if I remember right, I kind of liked your other version better. This had a lot of tl;dr moments that I just kind of skipped over, mostly descriptions and explainations. It might be easier on the eyes if you seperated the paragraphs more because they are enormous. Geez, it's really weird to say this but I think your describing a little too much. That was something that I remembered from the previous version. All the character descriptions were very, very long even though they were canon characters. It's great and all but the massive blocks of words make me descouraged before I even start reading it. I'm not saying it's bad or anything because it's not. It's just very overwhelming. If it wasn't for the fact that I already knew the story and knew I liked what was going on in it, I'm not sure if I would have read it all.

I'm not saying this because I want to discourage you because I don't. I like this story and I really want to see you continue it. I also want to see you get more reviews. ;) If you don't take my advice, I don't care. It's your story and I don't want to control it by any means. I just wanted to give you my opinion. Who knows? I might just be some loser that doesn't know what she's talking about...oh wait, I am! XD Haha.

Please keep updating. I loved the last version and I really hope you don't discontinue it. I hope I wasn't too harsh. ^_^

4/10/2009 c14 Tri-Emperor of The Twilight
Great story write more soon please.
1/20/2009 c14 Autumnmycat23
O, I like how you made Ryoko go berserk. Nice twist. I love how you work in all the characters. :3 A little more spelling mistakes in this one but still, grammar's good.
1/19/2009 c13 Belthasar
Yes, Kite wears red. There are orange symbols on his outfit though. He is sometimes referred in dot hack media as "the boy in red" since apparently the shade of red he wears can't be chosen in the player customization screens.
1/18/2009 c13 7Taeniaea
Great New Chapter
1/16/2009 c12 Taeniaea
Great Story
1/14/2009 c1 Belthasar
Since you're rewriting this part, keep in mind that Kite's outfit is red, not orange.
1/11/2009 c11 Autumnmycat23
You brought Ovan into this. =D I love him so much. But, I still really like this story. Keep updating.
1/11/2009 c10 1jumping off of rocky cliffs
Wow... I love the ways that you've described the canons and how they interact with each other. It's quite difficult to do that, but you've pulled it off! I'll be sure to put this on my constant-read list!
1/5/2009 c4 1Weisser Ritter
Wow, you updated FAST!

How did you!

You have Supernatural powers!

1/4/2009 c7 Autumnmycat23
Yes! I can't wait for the next chapter. =D

I love this. I lol'd so hard when they started catfighting. =3

Keep it up!
1/3/2009 c5 Autumnmycat23

Yay! Kuhnie! Haha

No, but this just keeps getting better. I don't know why I like OC stories in .hack/ so much. Maybe I just like seeing Kuhn hit on girls. =)

Just keep updating. I would hate to see this story be dropped.
1/1/2009 c3 Autumnmycat23
Cool. =3

This sounds like it's going to be good.
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