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for Naruto: Childhood Memories

7/8/2010 c3 32Midnight Insomniac
Awww. Another great chapter. I like all the emotion you put into your story.
7/8/2010 c2 Midnight Insomniac
That was kinda funny. I liked it.
7/8/2010 c1 Midnight Insomniac
*Sniff,sniff* It's so sad. I seriously almost cried when i read this. You really have a way of expressing a character's emotions. Good job!
7/7/2010 c1 9haley.erma
Awh, I love this story. It is beautifully written. And it made me cry. It had true emotions. It captured Gaara's emotions perfectly. I don't think there is one bad thing about this chapter. Good work. :)

Jezebel.
7/1/2010 c3 43Karin Serendipity
You're stories are always written so beautifully. I envy the detail you put in. You know Kiba's person very well, although Hinata was rocky. I couldn't see some of the things she said, and she didn't stutter like she normally does. I really did like the emotion that was written into this. Although Tsume and Hana are two different people they aren't always right next to each other.
6/8/2010 c3 nicolerogersXX
sorry, i forgot i didn't review this one. well this one was adorable. and i can't believe akamaru peed on him both those times lol
6/6/2010 c3 fixed.dice
As it is your first story in the Narutoverse, I think its a very good attempt- OH! Who am I kidding? It’s really really good, there are few spelling mistakes and the ones I’ve noticed are simply typos (theres only one or two). I love the idea of childhood memories, and I think that your writing style has improved from when you wrote your Gaara one. If you keep this story going, you are bound to improve your already good style into something "Totally awesome" (to quote A.V.P.M.).

Question Time;

~Are you going to be doing most of the Narutoverse characters- or just the rookie 12?

I personally would like to see your take on Tenten’s past as Kishimoto has never bothered to give her one- the lazy so-and-so.

~I was also wondering if you were planning on doing oneshots for the Sannin, Minato Namikaze (Arashi Kazama), Kushina Uzumaki, Itachi U- any other Akatsuki members, and the other Sabaku siblings: Temari, Kankorou, just to name a few...?
5/31/2010 c3 inactiveaccount2249
Cute! It was entertaining! I liked it! These chapters did seem familiar... Probably before I had an account and I was just reading on here. But great job! ^_^

(Sasuke's Pal will buy you a cookie for your great writing!)

^_^ (My cousin should read this too!)
5/31/2010 c2 inactiveaccount2249
I know he says women are troublesome but you know, it's not offensive. Those who take it offensive, really need to forget it. This is just writing! ^_^

(From Part Japanese American...Sasuke's Pal!)

Well, Mata ne! (See ya!)
5/31/2010 c1 inactiveaccount2249
Awesome! ^_^
5/29/2010 c2 nicolerogersXX
not ALL women are so bad, lol.

i'm pretty chill, but wow his mom seems wayyyy too controlling and the explaination to why the mom does what dhe does, sounds like my mom haha
5/29/2010 c1 nicolerogersXX
This was..kinda intense. Very amazing writing structure. You write very well, i enjoyed it. man...i wish i could have been there to hug him . poor Gaara
5/14/2010 c2 22VillainAdvisor
This is chpater is well written and very very funny, keep up the good work
5/9/2010 c3 kristy1452
Everytime I read a chapter of this story, I love it even more. Please keep up the amazing work. :) :)
5/8/2010 c3 11Mokulule
I think it's obvious that you have improved, especially in the grammar and variation of sentences. The improvement is even seen from oneshot to oneshot.

I think you might need a way to clarify when you change from here and now to something that happened earlier, the Gaara one was especially confusing as to when stuff was happening, whether it was in the now or a memory. Though it could be attributed to his unstable mind. Hvorfor skriver jeg i det hele taget på engelsk?

Jeg gider ikke oversætte det jeg lige har skrevet så jeg fortsætter på dansk. Så jeg vil lige fortælle dig at jeg syntes oneshotene er gode, men da du spurgte mig om forslag til forbedring har jeg lige et enkelt råd. Hvis du vil have at det skal være troværdigt at det ses fra et barns synsvinkel må du bruge simplere ord. Selvfølgelig afhængigt af den specifikke alder, men jeg regner med at de er under ti år.

Det er overhovedet ikke forkert det du gør, men det er mere som om du fortæller læserne om deres følelser. En god fast fortæller er ikke noget at rynke på næsen af, men skal du have læserne virkelig ind i personerne skal du lade dem se tingene rent fra deres side en gang imellem. En lille sammenlignings session:

She ran across the green field without a care in the world.

She stood on the green field. She wanted to run and so she did.

Det er det der hedder "show it, don't tell it". I den første er man bare fortæller, i den anden er man inde i figuren og ser hende følge en simpel impuls, bare fordi hun får den altså "without a care in the world". I stedet for at fortælle at hun ingen bekymringer har viser man det.

En anden lille ting der kan hjælpe er "less is more". Prøv at fortælle mig hvad du føler rammer bedst:

He just didn't want to feel the pain of loneliness anymore

eller,

He just didn't want to be alone anymore

Nok om det, en rigtig god ting er sætninger af denne her karakter; "causing him to freeze big time" det virker meget karakteristisk af Kiba at bruge sådan et udtryk plus det gør sproget mere levende. Personlig kan jeg godt lide ninjaficerede udtryk af almindelige udtryk som 'han er ikke den skarpeste kniv i skuffen' hvilket bliver til 'he wasn't the sharpest kunai in the pouch', da det virker naturligt at de vil have den slags udtryk. Alle de små ting er det der vækker universet til live. De har sikker også jokes som "how many genin/mistnin/root members does it take to screw in a lightbulb?".

Som sagt er historierne rigtig gode, det er smart at du ligesom slutter med en punchline relateret til titlen hver gang og det understreger også at det er en serie. Jeg vil gerne vise dig hvad jeg mener med at holde det simpelt når det er set fra et barns synsvinkel, hvis du kunne tænke dig at læse Itachi's flashback som jeg nævnte for dig for noget tid siden. Der er ikke rigtig noget spoiler over det, jeg kunne oploade det som et separat oneshot hvis jeg havde lyst. Du vil ikke nødvendigvis være enig med mig, men jeg syntes det virker godt
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