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for A Little Continuation to Something Cinderellaish

7/4/2019 c3 14levios
Well written and interesting. It would be great if you were to write another chapter :) I would love to read about how Tohru finds out about Kyo's feelings as well
7/12/2016 c1 purpleradiance
so sweet and well written. thanks for posting
9/28/2015 c3 NinjaHandyMan08
I love this and this fanfic!
9/26/2015 c2 Rainbowrenthead
you know, funnily enough, I read this exact fanfic yesterday! I really liked it, I don't know if you are writing it or if you just liked it as well, but I hope the author updates.
WOOHOOO!
now I'm all excited!
6/6/2014 c3 YunaNara
any new chapters in the works?
4/21/2014 c3 1OfficialOtakuGirl
Apr 15Sorry it took a while. It was absolutely great. I'm not trying to flatter you, I genuinely think so. I found two bits that you may chose to correct though. Just minor things. In the first one, when you first write Hanajima you write it as Hanjima, missing the second A. In the third one it says 'his pulled his fingers from his hair' in stead of 'HE pulled his fingers from his hair. That's all. Other than that it was perfect. It was witty and had a cute twist to it. I hope there's another part to it soon.
-OfficialOtakuGirl •(-)•
4/20/2014 c3 10MelodicStereo
Hey! MelodicStereo coming in for some advice! :D
Now you first must please keep in mind that these are all suggestions; it’s your story and you can do whatever you want and write however you want. I’m only giving my advice…
Chapter 1:
Ok, so the first paragraph, “Kyo hopped down the hall, and balanced himself on the doorframe that led to the staircase that led to the second floor” is a little too wordy; especially the phrase, “that led to…that led to…”. Maybe you could try replacing one of the “that led to” to “leading”; such as “…that led to the staircase leading to the second floor” or perhaps vice versa. The next sentence, “He really did not want to have to hop all the way up the stairs as well”, I think the “as well” part means hopping down the hall; however, I had to reread the sentences. To prevent your readers having confusion or having to reread the sentences, you might want to add something that mentions that Kyo was already tired from hopping down the hall and he didn’t want to hop up the stairs as well or something like that.
In the second paragraph, the third sentence seems to be a mistype I think; “…always managed to be more irritating than whatever he was irritating him at any given time…” Other than that, it seems fine.
The fourth paragraph, “(Kyo) compressed his fist gently to her forehead, something that out of earshot Shigure had one labeled…” Two things here: first is the “compressed”, I know what you’re trying to say, however, I think ‘compressed’ might not be the right word to use there. Second, “out of earshot” is normally a phrase used to mean that something that wasn’t heard so I’m not quite sure what you meant to do there.
The sixth paragraph, “…her eyes darted down to his feet- sorry, foot, and then back up…” Instead of ‘feet- sorry, foot,’ continuing on with the sentence, it should be typed as ‘feet—sorry, foot—and’. The words in between the dashes mean that those words were an interruption, which is what you used. (PS: you get the dashes by doing two hyphens ‘-‘ adding the words without any spaces in between and it should become a dash after the space from the word. You can ask me if you have any trouble.)
The eight paragraph, “…his heart picked up the pace just that much more as well. And those eyes…” Try not to start a sentence with ‘and’, ‘but’, ‘so’, and the like (except for dialogue) because it shows poor writing; and most English teachers will (or should) tell you that (if not, then get on their case; but I digress). Use a semicolon instead of the period, “…much more as well; and those eyes…” Capitalize the ‘a’ in ‘as’ since it’s the start of a new sentence. The phrase, “…getting into words what it was she had on her mind…” is confusing; I’m not entirely sure what you’re trying to say, but I think you mean that she has trouble saying what was on her mind. Like, she knows what she wants to say, she just can’t say it right.
The ninth paragraph, when you’re changing viewpoints or jumping around on the timeline, make sure to let your readers know somehow so they can follow. When you’re talking about the school play a few days ago, try putting some type of symbol or indication that the reader is reading about a different time. Try Rewind or (Flashback) or whatever you want…
P10: There needs to be a comma in between ‘case’ and ‘am’ as well as in between ‘it’ and ‘he’ because there’s a natural pause in between the two words. ‘Could’ is an interruption, use the dashes instead of the hyphens.
P11: The comma needs to be outside of the quotes in ‘the evil stepsister’.
P13: I think you meant ‘than’ instead of ‘that’.
P14: In “…annoyance, extending his fingers, and allowing…”, there’s no need for the second comma. Try not to start a sentence with ‘and.
P15: If you want to continue the list of things that was wrong, try adding ‘…’ to the end of P14 instead of the period.
P16: Try to keep the hops consistent when you write them. Try not to start a sentence with ‘but’, instead try using ‘yet’ or ‘however’ depending…
P17: In the phrase, “The floor was so. freakin’. cold.” Capaitalize the ‘f’ and the ‘c’ if you’re using them as their own sentence as a form of emphasis. Take out ‘was’ so it reads “Kyo now decided”. There needs to be a comma after 'home'. Try not to start a sentence with ‘and’.
P18: Add a ‘the’ between ‘of’ and ‘Damned’.
P19: I think the sentence, “He had even been there alone with Tohru…”, can be used as an interruption so you use the dashes and use a lowercase ‘b’ in ‘but’.
P20: Again, use the dashes instead of the hyphens or you can use commas in this case. Fix ‘closest’ to ‘closet’.
P21: No ‘and’ at the beginning please.
P23: Comma in between ‘bed’ and ‘he’.
P28: No ‘and’ in the beginning of a sentence.
P31: Try ‘yet again’ or ‘however’ instead of ‘but then’.
P32: Comma in between ‘name’ and ‘Kyo’ as well as ‘point’ and ‘he’.
P33: ‘But’. Comma after ‘Tohru’.
Chapter 2:
P3: Change ‘though’ to ‘through’ in the third sentence.
P15: Change ‘Souma’ to 'Sohma’
P40: Comma between ‘present’ and ‘Tohru’.
P41: Change ‘though’ to ‘thought’
P61: Add commas after ‘Mage’ and ‘all’.
P64: Change ‘ordinarily’ to ‘ordinary’ and I think you meant to add ‘by’ in between ‘bay’ and ‘Cinderella’.
P65: Comma in between ‘her’ and ‘but’
Chapter 3:
P2: Again with the ‘and’ at the beginning of the sentences.
P4: Use the dashes instead of the hyphens. Add a comma after ‘jerkily’ and ‘after all’. The ‘and’ in the beginning of sentences.
P5: The ‘and’. Comma after Tohru. Take out the first ‘to her’ so it reads ‘as close as he could to her’. Change ‘his being’ to ‘him being’.
P8: Comma after ‘sudden’. Change ‘thought’ to ‘through’ and ‘shaded’ to ‘shades’
P26: Need a space between ‘he’ and ‘had’
P33: Add a comma after ‘sudden’ and add ‘was’ after ‘aspect’.
P48: Change ‘straits’ to ‘stairs’
P49: Comma after ‘now’

Overall Review:
AWWWWW! *Two hours later* AWWWW! That was really a cute Fic :D I really like how descriptive your where throughout the story (It’s always quality over quantity in my book when it comes to Fics) That really was very good. There’s only some minor things that need to be fixed, mainly grammatical/typing stuff that’s usually overlooked by authors (I do it too w’ a lot actually) Please don’t let the long list scare you or make me seem like an English Nazi or what have you… I tried to be as thorough as I could (Super happy that it was a short Fic ’) and that can sometimes come out as rude/mean/snobby/ect…
I hope this helps make your Fic better! :) I'm always happy to help other authors with their writing :3
4/19/2014 c3 6ayrangel1221
And it comes to a sweet, wistful ending.
A very good job, applause all around, and I am so honored that you thought that I had any true advice to give you on such a well-written piece. If I may ask in return, I would appreciate similar reviews on my story With Your Love, so that I can become such an amazing writer as yourself. Feel free to send me any other stories you would like me to look at and I will do my best to be worthy of your trust. Thank you so much and keep up the good work!
4/19/2014 c2 ayrangel1221
Okay, 2nd chapter.
Good: I love the descriptions! They take me right there, but they aren't long and clunky, like mine are prone to be. I absolutely love how many different words you've found to describe the same thing so each time it feels a little different, like you've added a new dimension. Keep it up!
To work on: On the other hand, and somewhat related, word choice is something delicate. In many cases in this writing, you chose words that flowed well and fit well into the overall mood and feel of the story. In some cases though, as in the phrase "Coarse, straw-like ginger hair." it becomes confusing, especially since a few minute before, you were describing his paws as 'silken'. Consistency, although not to the point of being repetitive, is very important in making writing flow. Just something to keep in mind in the future. Hope this helps!
Angel
4/19/2014 c1 ayrangel1221
This is ayrangel1221 and I'm going to be completely honest with you.
Good stuff first: I like your characterization. It's true to the author's style and creation while still being very you. The story is a great idea and I think that you've created a good beginning for it. You have the right combination of moving forward in the story and little things to keep your reader interested.
Things to work on: Always check all your grammar and spelling at least twice before sending your story off. If possible, read it aloud so you can see i anything sounds funny. I've made that mistake many times. If you have a close friend, sibling or parent you can read it to, even better, because they'll catch things you missed. Also, this is a small detail, but did you think about how you were writing the names American style (first then last) before you did the list? Just think about that in the future.
Overall, great job and I'll send a new message with every chapter I read. Thanks for a great time!
4/15/2014 c3 inactiveaccount85
...*completely deflates* I...hate your face. Because I LOVE this story. Your writing style is amazing...and...*grumbles* Kyo was actually quite adorable in this chapter. I...just... *scowls and Kyo* SHUT UP!

...nice work, friend. Thank you again for inviting me to read this! Simply amazing!
4/15/2014 c2 inactiveaccount85
*throws Kyo up against the wall and shanks him with a shiv, letting his corps slide to the floor as I kick him in the stomach and spit on him* ...ass...

This chapter was particularly well written, friend. Thank you for inviting me to read it. Despite my violence, I am quite enjoying this story!
4/10/2014 c1 inactiveaccount85
*viciously beats Kyo to the ground in a bloody pulp then spits on his bleeding body, kicking him in the ribs* Consider...this chapter reviewed. More review will come. Have no fear, And as for what I think...so far, this is a decent story. I really like it so far, and although I am a fan of Yuki, I had to laugh at the description of him as a she-male. xD
3/14/2014 c3 Lil' Miss Pug
RAAAAAH! WHY DIDN'T HE KISS HER?! I AM FANGIRLING SO HARD RIGHT NOW! SO FLUFFY! BEST STORY I'VE EVER READ! NO JOKE! *dies*
3/11/2014 c3 3That anime-cartoon fangirl
This has got to be one of the greatest things I have ever read! I love it!
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