for The Mental patient5/31/2009 c2 Laurel
Me again... Okay, I've noticed that many of your sentences are run-ons. I'm often guilty of that too. I worry that I can't say everything I need too if I separate the sentence but you can, it just requires a little thought. Most of your long paragraphs are that long because someone is explaining something, or has a lot to say. I suggest making them smaller by adding in some sort of action. For example- "At this I felt..." or "He seemed to be debating how to say..." or "Something flickered in my peripheral vision..." I could go on and on but I'm probably boring you.
Me again... Okay, I've noticed that many of your sentences are run-ons. I'm often guilty of that too. I worry that I can't say everything I need too if I separate the sentence but you can, it just requires a little thought. Most of your long paragraphs are that long because someone is explaining something, or has a lot to say. I suggest making them smaller by adding in some sort of action. For example- "At this I felt..." or "He seemed to be debating how to say..." or "Something flickered in my peripheral vision..." I could go on and on but I'm probably boring you.
5/31/2009 c1 Laurel
The story's basis is very promising. However, the format seems to be rough and unedited. I would suggest adding periods and separating your paragraphs. Your spelling is nearly perfect but your grammar could use some work. I am NOT flaming you, I'm trying to give you constructive criticism. I like this story and will continue to read it.
The story's basis is very promising. However, the format seems to be rough and unedited. I would suggest adding periods and separating your paragraphs. Your spelling is nearly perfect but your grammar could use some work. I am NOT flaming you, I'm trying to give you constructive criticism. I like this story and will continue to read it.
1/27/2009 c8 garnetred
Excellent chapter. Major bummer. I so want to find out what happened to Bella and why she can't tell anything to Edward about it. Please update.
Excellent chapter. Major bummer. I so want to find out what happened to Bella and why she can't tell anything to Edward about it. Please update.
1/26/2009 c8 
2soarjet
can't wait for you to get back to writting this story.. Really want to know what happen to Bella!
:D
2soarjetcan't wait for you to get back to writting this story.. Really want to know what happen to Bella!
:D
1/21/2009 c7 garnetred
Excellent chapter. I really hope this works for Bella and she finally gets her memory back. Please update soon.
Excellent chapter. I really hope this works for Bella and she finally gets her memory back. Please update soon.
1/20/2009 c6 garnetred
Excellent chapter. I am glad that Bella and Edward finally saw each other. Let's hope that whatever Carisle has planned work. Please update soon.
Excellent chapter. I am glad that Bella and Edward finally saw each other. Let's hope that whatever Carisle has planned work. Please update soon.
1/16/2009 c5 garnetred
Excellent chapter. I wonder how much of the truth Dr. Cullen will tell her. I am pretty sure he is going to leave some thnigs out. Please update soon.
Excellent chapter. I wonder how much of the truth Dr. Cullen will tell her. I am pretty sure he is going to leave some thnigs out. Please update soon.