for Timing Is Everything9/18/2009 c3 cklammer
I must say that I am somewhat confused by the plot's twists and turns.
Okay, so M'Nel accidentally timed it into his future which is Kally's present and Kally is afraid of becoming useless because she is a generalist. But what is the conspiracy about.
Sorry, I for myself can't get to grips with this story.
OTOH, It is certainly well-written and shows a good grasp of the Enlish Language by the author.
I must say that I am somewhat confused by the plot's twists and turns.
Okay, so M'Nel accidentally timed it into his future which is Kally's present and Kally is afraid of becoming useless because she is a generalist. But what is the conspiracy about.
Sorry, I for myself can't get to grips with this story.
OTOH, It is certainly well-written and shows a good grasp of the Enlish Language by the author.
3/22/2009 c3 GinnyStar
Well Pern has two moons, and it would help if you put what time this is taking place or if its all taking in the some Time.
For its gets quite confuing to the reader if you need some help 10 Pass is not real my area but other time of Anne McCaffrey a beta reading. :)
Please keep on going for its quite good.
Well Pern has two moons, and it would help if you put what time this is taking place or if its all taking in the some Time.
For its gets quite confuing to the reader if you need some help 10 Pass is not real my area but other time of Anne McCaffrey a beta reading. :)
Please keep on going for its quite good.
3/22/2009 c1 GinnyStar
money your mean marks do you not?
I am get using to this great idea for a story teller.
I am enjoying it very mucn.
I thing he "time it between" and mis-jumped.
money your mean marks do you not?
I am get using to this great idea for a story teller.
I am enjoying it very mucn.
I thing he "time it between" and mis-jumped.
2/8/2009 c2 
17OnyxDrake
I'd like to make a suggestion that a failed Candidate would have taken on some form of duty or specialisation. Also, I doubt that Kally would reach that age without making some attachments in the form of a relationship. I get the feeling that she's too isolated. Also I don't get the Weyrwoman's sudden motivation to get her to move out of the Weyr.
17OnyxDrakeI'd like to make a suggestion that a failed Candidate would have taken on some form of duty or specialisation. Also, I doubt that Kally would reach that age without making some attachments in the form of a relationship. I get the feeling that she's too isolated. Also I don't get the Weyrwoman's sudden motivation to get her to move out of the Weyr.
2/6/2009 c3 4truegold-dragonstar
It's certainly not BORING, but it's not one hundred percent clear, either. It's not entirely obvious what's going on. Most of it is mostly sorted out by the end of the chapter; Kally found M'nel, Plit woke Tiva who came out to help, Kally explained about not messing up time, Tiva and Kally got M'nel to the cave, now they're all waking up there; but some of it still isn't quite filled in. For instance - 'A young brownrider, an inexperienced healer and a weyr-bred failure'. What young brownrider? You seem to be trying to introduce a new character who hasn't actually appeared and it really doesn't make a great deal of sense. Also take - 'any meddling around in another time could cause dire consequences for another. That much she knew. *Which is why*, she recalled, *it took quick-thinking Tiva so long to realise that. The reason why it took me so long to explain.*'. Think that through carefully (go back and look at your own formatting, the way I've had to write it doesn't help). It doesn't make any sense at all. After a great deal of thought, I've come to the conclusion that what you MEANT was that Kally doesn't really know very much about it, and that's why she can't explain well, and that's why Tiva, who is usually quick to understand things, doesn't get what she's talking about for a long time. What you've WRITTEN is that Kally DOES know about what's going on and that's why it took her a long time to explain and Tiva a long time to realise. What? Also the description of Tiva as 'quick-witted' doesn't make a lot of sense here, as the context is her being quite slow on the uptake. You should put 'usually quick-witted', or a similar variant, to show the reader that the whole point is to show that although she is smart, this is the one occasion when she's not behaving this way.
Or something. Sorry, I hope I'm making sense, because I'm a bit distracted right now (my bus has been cancelled because of snow and I can't get home until it clears...) and I have a sort of feeling that I'm not being very coherent myself. I hope you get the basic idea.
Also one tiny nitpick - in Tiva's dream sequence (which I love, by the way), you say 'she was wearing her purple Healer robe'. I thought the Healer colour was green? Am I remembering wrong?
It's far from bad; you have definite talent and your description and characterisation are as good here as they've ever been; but this chapter does need a little work to clear up a few confusing points.
4truegold-dragonstarIt's certainly not BORING, but it's not one hundred percent clear, either. It's not entirely obvious what's going on. Most of it is mostly sorted out by the end of the chapter; Kally found M'nel, Plit woke Tiva who came out to help, Kally explained about not messing up time, Tiva and Kally got M'nel to the cave, now they're all waking up there; but some of it still isn't quite filled in. For instance - 'A young brownrider, an inexperienced healer and a weyr-bred failure'. What young brownrider? You seem to be trying to introduce a new character who hasn't actually appeared and it really doesn't make a great deal of sense. Also take - 'any meddling around in another time could cause dire consequences for another. That much she knew. *Which is why*, she recalled, *it took quick-thinking Tiva so long to realise that. The reason why it took me so long to explain.*'. Think that through carefully (go back and look at your own formatting, the way I've had to write it doesn't help). It doesn't make any sense at all. After a great deal of thought, I've come to the conclusion that what you MEANT was that Kally doesn't really know very much about it, and that's why she can't explain well, and that's why Tiva, who is usually quick to understand things, doesn't get what she's talking about for a long time. What you've WRITTEN is that Kally DOES know about what's going on and that's why it took her a long time to explain and Tiva a long time to realise. What? Also the description of Tiva as 'quick-witted' doesn't make a lot of sense here, as the context is her being quite slow on the uptake. You should put 'usually quick-witted', or a similar variant, to show the reader that the whole point is to show that although she is smart, this is the one occasion when she's not behaving this way.
Or something. Sorry, I hope I'm making sense, because I'm a bit distracted right now (my bus has been cancelled because of snow and I can't get home until it clears...) and I have a sort of feeling that I'm not being very coherent myself. I hope you get the basic idea.
Also one tiny nitpick - in Tiva's dream sequence (which I love, by the way), you say 'she was wearing her purple Healer robe'. I thought the Healer colour was green? Am I remembering wrong?
It's far from bad; you have definite talent and your description and characterisation are as good here as they've ever been; but this chapter does need a little work to clear up a few confusing points.
2/5/2009 c3 25Miz636
WOW. Evil cliffhanger at the end there. That wasn't bad and it was needed from what I can tell. Great job.
25Miz636WOW. Evil cliffhanger at the end there. That wasn't bad and it was needed from what I can tell. Great job.
2/3/2009 c2 36Diglossia
Shards. Life sucks, sometimes. I wonder what M'nel will do to make Kally able to stay at the Weyr.
36DiglossiaShards. Life sucks, sometimes. I wonder what M'nel will do to make Kally able to stay at the Weyr.
2/3/2009 c1 Diglossia
I was actually really absorbed. I loved how unique the story was, talking about something the books never covered. Really well-done!
I was actually really absorbed. I loved how unique the story was, talking about something the books never covered. Really well-done!
1/27/2009 c2 25Miz636
Good end of the chapter, but we also like it when you update fast! Well, another great chapter and I'm looking forward to the next one.
25Miz636Good end of the chapter, but we also like it when you update fast! Well, another great chapter and I'm looking forward to the next one.
1/27/2009 c2 4truegold-dragonstar
What do you mean, 'don't worry, they won't all be that quick'? We LIKE it when you update quick!
This chapter is also really good; I like Tiva a lot, the nightmares are a lovely touch, and M'nel's appearance at the end is very dramatic and satisfying. However... I wouldn't be me if I couldn't find a few things to argue:-
- The opening of the second section (with Corina) is very weak. That first paragraph is pure exposition, and the last sentence in particular is awkward and forced. One way to get around this might be to open the section with Kally crying in horror 'You want me to LEAVE?', THEN slide in the reason she's so shocked and upset - Ista is her home, they're her family, she loves being there - THEN have Corina reassure her, and carry on as before from there.
- 'I severely hope...' Did you mean 'sincerely'?
- Did her room mates comment on finding her sleeping on the floor?
- 'It was then she realised she didn't have her boots on...' Uh uh. She kicked the stair, remember? And her feet are scratched. Ista's not too cold, but she's probably been noticing how cold stone floors are, too. She MUST have noticed how her feet are hurting.
- It's unusual for the fire lizard to talk to her; but I think you'll probably get away with it since it's Impressed to her best friend.
- She's lived in Ista all her life, it's her home, she loves it. Would she really be afraid of it at night? Maybe she would; maybe you're trying to tell me that that's the kind of person she is; but it would bear emphasising.
Thanks, though - great chapter!
t-d
4truegold-dragonstarWhat do you mean, 'don't worry, they won't all be that quick'? We LIKE it when you update quick!
This chapter is also really good; I like Tiva a lot, the nightmares are a lovely touch, and M'nel's appearance at the end is very dramatic and satisfying. However... I wouldn't be me if I couldn't find a few things to argue:-
- The opening of the second section (with Corina) is very weak. That first paragraph is pure exposition, and the last sentence in particular is awkward and forced. One way to get around this might be to open the section with Kally crying in horror 'You want me to LEAVE?', THEN slide in the reason she's so shocked and upset - Ista is her home, they're her family, she loves being there - THEN have Corina reassure her, and carry on as before from there.
- 'I severely hope...' Did you mean 'sincerely'?
- Did her room mates comment on finding her sleeping on the floor?
- 'It was then she realised she didn't have her boots on...' Uh uh. She kicked the stair, remember? And her feet are scratched. Ista's not too cold, but she's probably been noticing how cold stone floors are, too. She MUST have noticed how her feet are hurting.
- It's unusual for the fire lizard to talk to her; but I think you'll probably get away with it since it's Impressed to her best friend.
- She's lived in Ista all her life, it's her home, she loves it. Would she really be afraid of it at night? Maybe she would; maybe you're trying to tell me that that's the kind of person she is; but it would bear emphasising.
Thanks, though - great chapter!
t-d