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for Happy Birthday Jeremy!

12/19/2012 c2 pewdiepiefan
Suzy is evil it is true!
10/24/2012 c1 brunocurra10
10/19/2010 c2 kalsia richards
I learned that in this chapter candace wanted to get jeremy a very special birthday present but instead suzy wanted to get jeremy a better present from candace.so suzy stole candace present and wanted jeremy to know that she wrote it and not candace but when jeremy found out that candace wrote it and not suzy jeremy became very mad and went to talk to suzy and told her that what she did was wrong and told her that candace is a nice girl and told her that candace was his girlfirend and suzy was his little sister.
8/7/2009 c2 15SpiritedChild
That was adorable. You really put alot of thought into this story huh! I couldn't tell for shure of the story time center really existed in the show or if you made it up. I love it all and I'm a big fan of Jeremy and Candace being together! Good job your story is going on my favorites!
4/26/2009 c2 93Seiji and Shizuku 4ever
This was awesome! I really enjoyed this, you were very in character with everyone. Bravo and well done; write more soon!
4/5/2009 c2 29Boris Yeltsin
LOL, funny stuff.

BTW, do you take requests for stories?
4/5/2009 c1 Boris Yeltsin
Man, this sounds funny.

LOL, making a giant birthday card out of cardboard.
3/27/2009 c2 4Edogawa4869
Great job! I really enjoyed it, especially OPERATION: Baby Pictures!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to be in an alleyway in Danville by 1 to make a trade off. Somebody is paying for some baby pictures for some girl... Hey, wait...
3/27/2009 c2 4icemaiden-darkangel
3/21/2009 c1 54DramioneLurver
First of all, I'd like to say that this is a really enjoyable piece, even though I don't usually read the fandom. It was a fun read. Well, onto my critique. Overall, your grammar and sentence structure is good, though there are a few mistakes.

In this segment: “What did you forget. Candace?” Phineas asked. His sister didn’t get panicked like that on a regular basis.

The period after 'forget' and before 'Candace' should be a comma.

In this segment: But Candace was deep in her own thoughts by then. “Alright, Stacey.” She began pacing the floor. “I don’t have time to buy him anything, but I think I have time to make him a card, at the very least. Let’s see…well, he likes music, so maybe I could make him a music-themed card. That makes sense, right Stacey? Stacey?”

'Alright' is actually 'all right,' though many people make the mistake of combining it. And then, the last line should have a comma after 'right' and before 'Stacey.'

In this segment: Jeremy smiled down at her. “Yeah, sorry kiddo. The boss wouldn’t let me have a day off, even on my birthday. “I’ll see you this afternoon, though!”

You have an extra quotation mark before 'I'll' since he's already in the process of saying something.

In this segment: “Oh, no you’re not!” Linda said.” “I have my cooking class, so you’re in charge of Phineas and Ferb. You may take them with you, however. Go see if they’ll go with you.” And with that, she walked out the door.

You have an extra quotation mark after 'said.'

In this segment: “Well, well, well,” Mindy shook her head, smirking. “What are you doing here? You haven’t come here to try and win my mom’s attention again, have you?”

The comma after 'well' should actually be a period. You usually have your dialog tags down, but this is just one of those little mistakes.

In this segment: “All right! It looks like everyone is here now, so let’s get started,” Mrs. Duncan began. She began the story.

Nothing is actually wrong, but it sounds awkward, or at least a tad bit weird, to have those two 'began's so close to each other. I would advise perhaps using 'announced' for the first verb, or maybe wording the second sentence slightly differently.

In this segment: It didn’t take long for Candace to notice the bright blue pair of eyes following her as she approached the Mr. Slushy Burger booth. When she did notice, she froze. She backed away from the burger place, and Suzy smirked. She could worry about Candace later; right now, she had another battle to win.

Again, nothing actually wrong with this paragraph. However, the repeated use of 'notice' in the first two sentences looks a bit weird, so you could simply remove the 'notice' from the second sentence. The following sentence - 'She backed away from the burger place, and Suzy smirked' - would sound better (in my opinion, of course, so you don't need to change it) phrased like 'As she backed... place, Suzy smirked.' Just to mix up sentence structure and have it flow a little better.

In this segment: Candace watched Suzy for a while. When she was pretty sure the little girl was distracted by the story being read, she got up from her hiding place and walked one more towards the booth. Unfortunately for her, there was this old, fat man in front of her who couldn’t decide whether or not he wanted fries with his burger, and Jeremy was too busy paying attention to him to notice her. She tried pushing him aside, but he was stronger than her and she got pushed right back—and knocked to the ground.

In the second sentence, I'm thinking you meant to write 'once' rather than one.

And you use 'said' a lot, but this isn't a bad thing. It would just be another way to add more to the way readers see the story act out by using more descriptive verbs. Again, it was actually a fun read, even for someone unfamiliar with the fandom. The characters were fabulous, and I particularly enjoyed your writing of the brothers. Very nice job.
3/21/2009 c1 46Kiseki Lin
From the very little I know about the fandom, it seems that the characters are rather well in character. If I recall correctly, Candace tends to panic or go off on rants at times. The conversations were rather funny to read, so good job on that.

It might be a bit dull to some, however, since most of the chapter is basically dialogue. Maybe you could have tried to write more about their body language and the area they're in? Or maybe even dive into the characters thoughts a little more, like you do at times with Candace?

I did notice, however, that there were a few typos here and there. You'll probably be able to catch them if you reread it again.

For example: Stacey raised her eyebrows. “Well, that’s a surprise! Don’t you have it marked on you calendar?”

The you before calendar should've been a your.

As you can see, it's simple typos so I don't think there's much to worry about. I do believe that if you reread it with intent of editing a bit, you'll be able to catch them all fast. :D It seems a bit of hot off the press, so don't forget to proofread.

Overall, I think it went rather well.

3/21/2009 c2 10Mad Mimi the Maniac

suzy is evil

jeremy's a sweetie

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