Just In
for Family Vengeance

10/9/2018 c1 yourmomsahoe
I’m crying
6/20/2018 c7 pig3bfk
6/25/2015 c7 20December Sapphire
Hi hi! Oh lookie, I’m all caught up now! Onto the review we go!

[Dash could feel his level of adrenaline increasing.] It seems as though he is coming off his high and is focused on one thing, his little brother. Or he is still high and the drug has really gone to his head. Or he’s dreaming it all. Still great suspense building in the chapter.

[he saw Dash standing over Freddy’s bloody face.] We’ll that escalated quickly. Dash is one bad-ass kid. Nobody takes his little brother from him. Still, I’m a little confused on who Freddy and Monica are. I know Monica is the siren, but how did the narrator know?

[Monica could feel the tension.] I can feel the tension! There is something crazy going on here that’s making my head spin! I need answers. I have a feeling Jack-Jack might be the one in “Family Vengeance.” He must have more powers hidden inside that small body of his.

I think the only thing I’m going to suggest is planning out who each character is carefully. I think there is a small plothole in the story, but I can’t recall seeing or hearing of a Frank or Monica before. The reader can get easy confused if you put a sudden OC in the story without introducing him or her to the other characters first. Here, it seemed like the characters knew them, but we didn’t. Just a thought next time you update this story.

Other than that, you’ve done well to establish a cliffhanger. The suspense has been built. And I don’t know if you’ve abandoned this story or not, but you should keep going. I would love to see how this plays out.

Great job!
6/25/2015 c6 December Sapphire
Hi hi again! Back for more of course!

[They were always on some “trip”.] My guess is super hero stuff. I wonder if they were connected to the disappearance/death of Bob and Helen. Eh, I might be just over analyzing it.

[Fucking pothead] Dash should talk. He’s going full out on the weed right now. I wouldn’t be surprised if his head was elsewhere when he spoke to Violet and he’s imagining all of this. But I really do like the OC Trey. He’s not stereotypical, he’s someone of a bad-ass, he’s a full out awesome character! (unless he was a character I totally didn’t see in the movie, but doubt it! ;-))

[See everyone’s brain sets off a different wave, because everyone is different.] Great description on the human race. We all are different. Trey kind of reminds me of Professor X from X-men, but a younger version. Haha

[Mental firewall.] Definitely a Professor X type of character. Total awesomeness and such a bad-ass. Trey is one powerful person.

Again, I did find some grammar issues, but it’s an easy fix. :)

Great job.
6/21/2015 c5 December Sapphire
Hi hi, I’m back for more!

[I asked you to do one thing! I didn’t think you were that irresponsible.] I feel like Violet is the irresponsible one. Isn’t she supposed to be the grown up here? Interesting how you’ve characterized in the story, it’s very different and somewhat entertaining.

[She sniff(ed) his shirt, and lost it.] Oh, busted! Dash is into the greens it seems. So I guess Vi is too sine she apparently knows what it smells like. And yes, being in college you can smell it, but only if you got to parties or do it yourself.

[Yeah? Well, how about you call me whenever that day comes.] I’m not liking this dude. Seriously, what is his problem? Good use of conflict between Vi and him and Vi and Dash. Geez, it seems everything is going downhill for this girl.

[He dashed into Violet’s room, who was lying on her bed listening to her ipod…] Shouldn’t she be looking for her brother? She might be just calming herself down, but I would be freaking out calling the police and everything. Good character development on her side though.

And besides the small grammatical issues, you’re doing good.

Onto the next!
6/9/2015 c4 December Sapphire
Hi hi! Back I am and ready to review! Let’s do this!

[After listening to his Mozard CD over 15 times, Jack Jack got immensely bored.] Well of course he got bored. That kid must love his Mozart to listen to it several times. But then I laughed at this too, because they say that “Listening to Mozart makes babies smarter” in the movie.

[Only thirty minutes before Tony comes.] I still think, and always will, this is a bad idea. Like really, what boy, or anyone, asks out someone after a family funeral or a death. Still very fishy to me. He’s almost trying to drag her into his little web of traps. Very suspenseful building, but strange none the less. I know, I’m assuming things. I tend to do that often. You’ll get used to it.

[I just need to be alone right now.] I feel like he’s not acting his age here. And you can correct me if I’m wrong because I don’t know how eight year olds act, but he’s sure acting like a mid-teenaged person right now. Very mature, but nothing like an eight year old.

[He wasn’t even there.] I knew from chapter two he was going to disappear sooner or later. But I do find it’s somewhat cliché. Still, I have this feeling you’ll be using some sort of twist in this story soon that will blow us away.

Anyways, great chapter as always. Sorry if the review is a bit shorter.
6/7/2015 c3 December Sapphire
Hi hi again! Sorry it took so long for me to read and review again, but RL I tell yeah. Anyways, I’m back now so that’s all that matters, and I’m ready to get going and finish this story up. Or at least to when you stopped updating it. Heh.

[Violet was stunned by the architectural design of Edna Mode’s house when she pulled up.] I’m surprised she hasn’t been there before. Anyways, I just wanted to suggest that maybe you can describe the mansion a little bit more. What is the colour? The shape? You got the laser gates down great for imagery, but for people who may be fandom blind, they might be curious to know what the house looks like. Just a suggestion though. :)

[Fear struck her heart like a powerful lightning bolt.] Wow, great simile here! That must’ve been one big scare. But noted, when getting scared it does happened pretty quickly. Great job right there!

[Her face lit up the same way a mad scientist would have if they’d have come to a breath through.] I don’t think you need the “have” there. Anyways, apart from that, I’m glad you’ve kept Edna in character here! You described her perfectly when she gets a crazy idea. I can imagine the wide grin spread out on her face.

Some pointers:

Just a quick one here. This chapter did seem to go a bit fast paced from the last two. Perhaps you could use slow motion with expressions, imagery, etc. to lengthen the chapter and slow the pace down a bit. Again, just a suggestion. :)

Great chapter once again!
6/4/2015 c2 December Sapphire
Hi hi! I’m back!

[I’m at a funeral, but it’s not my parents.] I really like how this chapter started off with a dream. Once again you have set up a tone for the chapter. Dreams are usually a tool you can build suspense with and when she tries to open the casket, the suspense heightens. I actually thought it was reality for her for a second. But it does raise some strange questions too.

[She realized that being with him could put him in danger.] She made the right choice. A lot of stories will have the girl/boy staying with the hero and then getting kidnapped or killed or whatever. But Violet did do the right thing, even though it caused her pain to do so. That is pure will power.

[Vi, I know this is sudden, but it’s been years since I’ve seen you, how about we go out sometime?] Is it me, or it this going really fast. Her parents just died and their funeral was the other day. I feel like this guy might be something more. He’s planning something. Because he should know it takes times before anybody could do anything remotely like dating or hanging out with a ‘friend’. This guy is giving off a red flag indeed. Good tension building.

[Tony’s face lit up with excitement.] Yup, total red flag. That or he’s being very selfish for doing this to Violet. And with this line: [Hope this goes well…] could be a foreshadowing event to come. Either way, things are about to go down.

Some pointers:

I found you did switch POV quite a bit between characters. It can get messy and a bit confusing for your readers to figure out who is talking. Perhaps just keeping as just one character per chapter would be good. Then it could also build suspense for your readers when you end in a cliffhanger for one character and don’t go back to them/ we don’t see them for a few chapters. Again, a suggestion.

In all, nicely done!
6/4/2015 c1 December Sapphire
Hi hi! I’m from RLt and I thought I would give your story a read. I am absolutely not canon blind and just so happen that Incredibles is one of my favourite Pixar movies. Any who, onto the review!

[Thunder echoed over the friends and family of the late Bob and Helen Parr…] I like how you established mood so fast. While it takes some people a few chapters to do, you did in just the first few sentences. You’ve also, right away, wrote an excellent exposition to the story. You’ve hooked me right away with the first scene of the funeral. And I can already feel the emotions setting into the story.

[They were sure the memories of their parents would rush back in a matter of time.] How sad for these kids. They lost both their parents and to come back after a day of mourning to their house where they all lived must be really hard. I can already tell this story will be a sad, but exciting one from just a few paragraphs!

[She paused, realizing that the bed was empty.] I really don’t know where an eight year old could go, frankly. Unless he saved up some of his allowance and got a bus ticket to nowheresville. I actually did think he was gone for a second there. You’ve really build up the tension in this scene, Taven. It’s starting to grow more and more exciting!

[If they were trying to rescue some here, then why was it top secret?] Things are starting to get very mysterious, and it leaves me with some questions. We still don’t know how Bob and Helen were killed, so could this be some sort of conspiracy? Were the bodies at the funeral? Could Bob and Helen be alive somewhere? Hmm….

Some pointers:

There were a few times when Violet did go into thought. Usually thought is presented as italics to limit confusion. Perhaps changing it could be less confusing for your readers. Just a suggestion though. :)

Well done! I’ll be reading more!
5/7/2015 c7 3lilyflower1345
You can really feel Dash's desperation to save Jack-Jack and not lose another family member. His anxiousness too is obvious, probably made worse by the pot he was doing before

I liked the line about "Pain is all about perception", that's definitely true. And it kind of alludes to the grief the 3 kids are all feeling. The pain of grief is perceived differently by everyone.
5/7/2015 c5 lilyflower1345
I liked Jack-Jack and Dash's conversation in the chapter and how you're showing that they are each dealing with it in different ways. Even Violet yelling at Dash, shows that she's still dealing with grief.

The argument with Tony felt a bit rushed, I wasn't sure why he got angry so fast. He definitely didn't seem very likable. A little more explanation of what Tony and Violet was thinking here would have been helpful.

I liked the flashback with Dash and his friend. It helps to understand his character more.
5/7/2015 c3 lilyflower1345
I've always liked Edna, so it's fun to see her pop up. It's interesting to see the contrast between Violet and Helen's first meeting with Edna. Violet seems more terrified, though it is understandable with her parents just dying. I like that you're keeping Violet's character-maybe more reserved, but still determined in her mission to find out more.
5/7/2015 c1 lilyflower1345
Good chapter! I liked how you showed the grief all three kids were feeling. You could really sympathize with Violet, trying to grieve and figure out how to help her siblings.

There didn't feel like much explanation for why Violet immediately decided to make the trip to Luna Rivera, but this might be coming later. I liked how you've characterized the kids, they all truly feel like a family grieving.
4/25/2015 c7 68Legendary Biologist
Hi again! Looks like I'm all caught up!

This chapter is simply wow.

First, character. I really like Dash. His actions show that he cares about Jack-Jack. The moment he demands info from Freddy after beating him up shows it. Trey is a fun character. Whenever he starts talking something that is too complex for everybody else to understand, things get funny. I keep laughing when Dash complains that he doesn't understand him.

Then the dialogue. It's top notch. Not only it reads natural, but it also makes the character shine. Especially Dash and Trey, as mentioned above.

Next, the plot. Our heroes are late? Jack-Jack is sold? Oh my. Not just it's an excellent hook (which you've had a lot since the first chapter); it's also an incredibly dark concept (in a good way, because it's intriguing). I adore the premise you have here!

The only suggestion (aside from grammar issues, which I won't comment anymore since they've been frequently talked about) I have is about some hanging plot threads within the story. Violet's and Tony's plot thread is already resolved. But Violet's new suit isn't mentioned yet. Maybe it's because the chapters are pretty short, so there's no place to expand. However, it may be a good idea to bring up the topic about Violet's new suit soon.

Good luck in continuing this story! :)
4/25/2015 c6 Legendary Biologist
Hi again!

This chapter's dialogue is excellent. The exchange between Dash and Trey feels natural. In addition, it's pretty funny. I especially love the part when Dash doesn't understand what Trey says about Jack-Jack's 'frequency residue lingering' and later Dash saying it's other's fault for being unable to move fast. Since Dash can move very fast, it makes sense and hilarious!

Again, you have a knack in grabbing reader's interest. Every chapter has a hook that makes me want to keep on reading. Since Jack-Jack's location has been located, I'm wondering how they can find him. :D

Typos are less in this chapter, so good job on that. There's just one thing I'd like to suggest: Trey's character. He's an OC, and he is really intelligent and capable with his telepathy. For now, he is just a fine character, but he has a risk of running into Gary Stu territory. Maybe for now there's no time to stop, but I'd recommend focus on his characterization and insert some flaws in his character in the future (maybe he is also a drug addict like Dash, or something like that). It'll make him more relate-able and appealing as an OC.

Nice job!
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