for Breaking Free6/27/2017 c3 Guest
Sup kiddo
Alright, so you have overarching themes and character dynamics here that I find refreshing.
You display prominently a Dom/sub relationship in a natural and relatively warmblooded way, which is awful ballsy of you. Additionally, the idea of fighting side by side as a form of intimacy is one that's often overlooked, if not relatively unheard of. Your attention to the internal monologue is an indication your characters are being designed to "think for themselves." Overall, good stuff.
The unfortunate part is that you appear to get impatient easily and jump past loads of character building with a couple paragraphs. You're aching to get at the parts you want to put on paper and it shows- jarringly.
Worse still, your writing is still in that space where, rather than constructing a consistent narrative, you throw down whatever comes to mind. Your prose seems only directed by your fickle instincts as a writer, leading to sudden shifts in tone that could only be described as pubescent.
MThis would be fine if you were doing a simple character study for an original character. This is Hermione Granger, who has already been established as a hardline pragmatist whose go-to way of emotionalizing is just letting people have it. As such, you should know very well every last shred of frustration she had would come dumping down on Snape's shoulders.
I know, the temptation to create the kind of character you want to write is fierce. I feel it all the time.
However, FictionPress is the best place for original writing, not here, where you have to mock up Hermione as a Possession Sue to get your fix. Better than Flowers in Winter, though- you had Hermione starring as a very blatant Black Hole Mary Sue. Scary.
Trope-conscious diatribe aside, I think you came along very well. It's a real shame you only ventured this far in your development before dropping prose altogether.
Better luck next time, I suppose
Sup kiddo
Alright, so you have overarching themes and character dynamics here that I find refreshing.
You display prominently a Dom/sub relationship in a natural and relatively warmblooded way, which is awful ballsy of you. Additionally, the idea of fighting side by side as a form of intimacy is one that's often overlooked, if not relatively unheard of. Your attention to the internal monologue is an indication your characters are being designed to "think for themselves." Overall, good stuff.
The unfortunate part is that you appear to get impatient easily and jump past loads of character building with a couple paragraphs. You're aching to get at the parts you want to put on paper and it shows- jarringly.
Worse still, your writing is still in that space where, rather than constructing a consistent narrative, you throw down whatever comes to mind. Your prose seems only directed by your fickle instincts as a writer, leading to sudden shifts in tone that could only be described as pubescent.
MThis would be fine if you were doing a simple character study for an original character. This is Hermione Granger, who has already been established as a hardline pragmatist whose go-to way of emotionalizing is just letting people have it. As such, you should know very well every last shred of frustration she had would come dumping down on Snape's shoulders.
I know, the temptation to create the kind of character you want to write is fierce. I feel it all the time.
However, FictionPress is the best place for original writing, not here, where you have to mock up Hermione as a Possession Sue to get your fix. Better than Flowers in Winter, though- you had Hermione starring as a very blatant Black Hole Mary Sue. Scary.
Trope-conscious diatribe aside, I think you came along very well. It's a real shame you only ventured this far in your development before dropping prose altogether.
Better luck next time, I suppose
9/22/2011 c3 
5Harlequin de Rustre
Yes, wrong in SO many ways.
Gawd, such a short chapter. Still, you got shiz done.
However, I'm starting to feel that you're channeling your mind, at least partially, through Hermione. I'd be careful in future installations, if I were you...
5Harlequin de RustreYes, wrong in SO many ways.
Gawd, such a short chapter. Still, you got shiz done.
However, I'm starting to feel that you're channeling your mind, at least partially, through Hermione. I'd be careful in future installations, if I were you...
9/22/2011 c2 Harlequin de Rustre
The whole bit with Ron rang pretty close to some of my humorous writing. Perhaps you're influencing me or summat. Who knows?
Well, at least I know this is gonna be more entertaining than Ms_Figgs more recent bollocksing work, so it's a done deal. You know, for all her proud boasting of "pee your pants humor" and her sex-heavy romance, I never found anything particularly funny and the lemons and interactions were dull and formulaic.
Aside from some of the usual method of introductory musing about the situation slash being edgy, your writing isn't formulaic or boring (with a guy reading girly-whirl stuff like this, that's pretty tough).
And with that, I continueth onward...
The whole bit with Ron rang pretty close to some of my humorous writing. Perhaps you're influencing me or summat. Who knows?
Well, at least I know this is gonna be more entertaining than Ms_Figgs more recent bollocksing work, so it's a done deal. You know, for all her proud boasting of "pee your pants humor" and her sex-heavy romance, I never found anything particularly funny and the lemons and interactions were dull and formulaic.
Aside from some of the usual method of introductory musing about the situation slash being edgy, your writing isn't formulaic or boring (with a guy reading girly-whirl stuff like this, that's pretty tough).
And with that, I continueth onward...
9/22/2011 c1 Harlequin de Rustre
Augh. Drama.
The whole thing's realistic and thoughtful, but out-of-the-blue, so I'm not entirely in love with it.
Whatever, continuing on...
Augh. Drama.
The whole thing's realistic and thoughtful, but out-of-the-blue, so I'm not entirely in love with it.
Whatever, continuing on...
5/24/2011 c3 1Winged She-Wolf
Very interesting and promising plot you've got here. Please continue soon, I can't wait to discover what happens.
1Winged She-WolfVery interesting and promising plot you've got here. Please continue soon, I can't wait to discover what happens.
11/22/2010 c3 Loyd1957
Yes I am intrigued. Did they both start this obsession during the battle, or did Snape have it earlier? They can't keep playing cat and mouse. At least Hermione had the nerve to open up dialogue about him dating. That should have let him know a little something.
Yes I am intrigued. Did they both start this obsession during the battle, or did Snape have it earlier? They can't keep playing cat and mouse. At least Hermione had the nerve to open up dialogue about him dating. That should have let him know a little something.
11/22/2010 c3 Leif the Lucky
I'm too lazy to log in :P but you story is great! How old are they supposed to be?
I'm too lazy to log in :P but you story is great! How old are they supposed to be?
11/21/2010 c3 19Vampy Proxy
I really like this story and how you portray the characters and their emotions, I think this more true to them than they're all okay and happy now that the war is over. There had to have been after effects, and I'm glad that you are showing them.
19Vampy ProxyI really like this story and how you portray the characters and their emotions, I think this more true to them than they're all okay and happy now that the war is over. There had to have been after effects, and I'm glad that you are showing them.