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for Heaven's Door

5/29/2009 c1 2Cynical Gaze
Just the quick impressions, since I only have this much time.

First, the grammar is excellent, with no errors, spelling or otherwise(none I spotted, anyway). This needs to be pointed out, since on this site a story written in proper grammar is somewhat of a rarity. Formally, the chapter is rather short, and I personally prefer longer chapters since you can more easily convey a certain theme, segment of narrative or a certain perspective, and still have enough room to coat it all in atmosphere.

Regardless, as short as this first chapter was, it managed to adequately and concisely introduce the characters and present the first glimpses of the setting.

I see a couple of problems, though.

Firstly, the use of modern/real-world locales, such as Ireland, is jarring and abruptly pulls the reader from the suspension of disbelief. There is no Ireland in the world of Sanctuary, therefore its usage, even if only in metaphor, is damaging to the reader's immersion.

Secondly, first paragraph of the third segment is a flashback, yes? It is a little difficult to immediately distinguish from the rest of the text, content-wise, and the transition back to present time is perhaps too smooth. The momentary confusion could be avoided if different font is used for the flashbacks(personally I recommend italic), it also makes the text itself more 'fluid', so to speak.

These are minor points, though, and purely formal. As far as the content goes, I liked your attention to detail, yet not so much as to drown the reader in it – just about the right amount. Far too early to say anything about the characters or the storyline, so I'll keep the proverbial eye out, and try to comment when time permits me.

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