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for Panoply

5/12/2020 c1 James Birdsong
6/8/2010 c1 1chrisq
This really was a promising start! I'm a sucker for a good Power Girl story, so pick this back up!
7/20/2009 c1 BakerStreetIsLastRefugeOfHope
A great story. Very good.
6/1/2009 c1 46Lorendiac
Well, the plot is barely getting started, so I don't have much to say about it. I generally like the way you show the interaction between Batman and Power Girl - definitely not close friends; members in good standing of different superhero teams; but willing to work together as needed. (I half-expected him to offer her the loan of his cape after she was mostly undressed, though, but I guess he figures she can fly away and get more clothing somewhere in the blink of an eye when she feels the need.)

A couple of things about the way you depict P.G.'s powers:

I was a bit startled by the way the flash grenade actually left an afterimage that had her seeing spots for long enough to matter. I thought Superman, and thus other Kryptonians, had much "tougher" eyeballs than that. However, it later occurred to me that the discovery that another device was Apokolipsian technology could mean that the flash grenade was also extraterrestrial tech which somehow made a much more powerful, Kryptonian-affecting flash than anything normally manufactured here on Earth.

I was more surprised that she actually said "Ouch!" when she caught a bullet in midair. Even if it was armor-piercing, etc., I wouldn't normally expect a Kryptonian on our planet to feel any annoyance at all in that situation. However, when you took the trouble to end the chapter by telling us her hand was still itching, I decided you meant the bullet had been something very special; more than met the eye; capable of harming the physiology of a Kryptonian in some fashion. A point which (if I'm right) you presumably intend to keep developing in future installments.

Now for the obligatory nitpicking about writing technique. Various little things caught my eye as possible typographical errors as I went along. Here are a few of them. When I quote a passage from what I'm reviewing, I usually put it between asterisks to make it easier to see at a glance which words are yours and which are mine.

* As far as she can see, her eyes are treated to a panorama of tranquility. She dipped her hand in one of the peaks and watched the microscopic ice crystals dance across her palm. *

That's jarring, because of the abrupt change of verb tenses. One moment, you're describing things which are happening to Kara in the present - "she can see," "eyes are treated." Then you suddenly slip into the past in the middle of this paragraph (and stay there for the rest of this chapter) - "She dipped" and "watched."

* She would have breathed a heavy sigh, if there was enough air to make the effort worth it. *

It so happens that I recently double-checked the rules for the subjunctive, such as when to say "if there was" and when to say "if there were" instead! One rule of thumb which stuck in my head from my recent reading boils down to this: "If the idea introduced by the word 'if' is one which definitely is not (or was not) true in that time and place, then use 'were' instead of 'was' for such a purely hypothetical situation."

Since I gather there's never enough air at that high altitude to make the act of heavy sighing particularly effective, and since Kara knows that, I believe it should be "if there were."

* Instead she gave an abbreviated reply in the communicator embedded behind her ear: *

That makes it sound as if she's "in" the communicator when she gives her reply. I don't think that's what you meant. I believe that should have said "to the communicator" or perhaps "via the communicator" or something similar. By the way, does "embedded" mean someone actually made a hole in her flesh and shoved in the communicator there? That's what the word suggests to me.

* “Thirty-six seconds. What's the status Backgammon?” *

Should be a comma right before "Backgammon" to set it off from the rest of that sentence. That's standard when a sentence of dialogue includes a "name" (including codenames, titles, or whatever) for the person being directly addressed. Without the comma, the speaker could be asking about something with the odd name of "status Backgammon." You make the same mistake a few other times, although I notice you don't always leave out the comma in that sort of dialogue!

* She approached the Dark Knight saying, “Did you know they had a Meta on their team?” *

You need a comma after "Dark Knight" - as it now stands, he could be the one who is "saying" those next words of dialogue at the same time she is approaching him. The comma would make it more clear that she is the one approaching him, and she is also the one who happens to be saying something, simultaneously with the act of approaching.

* Power Girl stared blankly at the device, apparently observing its innards with her x-ray vision. “It looks Apokolipsian.” *

"Blankly" and "apparently" surprise me - because I thought this entire scene was being shown to us via Power Girl's viewpoint. She knows she isn't just staring "blankly," and she knows what if anything she is observing inside that device.

(On a very similar note: Later on you describe her searching for the sniper while "seemingly oblivious to her state of dress." Again, since that paragraph seems to be showing us her own perspective (although told to us in the third person), I don't understand "seemingly." As the viewpoint character, she ought to know perfectly well whether or not she is currently ignoring the condition of the tattered remains of her costume.)

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