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6/18/2009 c1 8Eleve Osirian
Disclaimer: not familiar with the fandom but I'll do my best to offer concrit.

Considering the fandom, it is not a bad piece of writing, and I enjoyed it. I saw great potential; there are places where you could use to your advantage, such as how your main character feels when her mom never spends time with her at dinner and what not; that's a very real emotion, one that could draw readers in and make them feel and understand your character more. My main advice would be to thicken it up a bit, and describe the characters a bit more. I love detail, and some don't, so it's mostly just a personal choice.


"Eight-year-old Tess Tyler looked at her music sheet in satisfaction." - I think 'with satisfaction' would sound better here; I don't think in is the right word choice.

"Tess winces"- in this sentence, you changed tenses. You mean to use "winced".

Adding to that: "Tess winces and shook her head. She had forgotten all about it." - to vary up your sentence structure, this would be the perfect place to use a semi-colon instead of a full stop. A variety of sentence structures are what create a well rounded story so instead it would be "Tess winced and shook her head; she had forgotten all about it."

"Tess was stunned, but picked up the packet and tried to focus on the work. But she was too upset to multiply two-digit numbers." - try not to overuse the word 'but' here. Find a way to rearrange the sentences so it flows better. (other than that the paragraph was probably the best part written part of hte story)

Ending: I'm not quite sure what happened. First her friends were consoling her and the the next minute they ditch her? Perhaps you could add onto that a bit more, or clarify.

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