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for Franki Brooklyn

1/16/2012 c10 jackiesgirl
this is so creative and it makes everyone seem so emotional and human! keep goign!
7/7/2011 c10 3Diona Aronwen
It's nice when fanfic authors come back and update, so more props to you. As for your stories, you have some grammatical errors, but nothing too distracting. Keep updating, alright?

PS: Thanks for the notice on my double-chapter post. I wouldn't have caught that.
6/16/2011 c10 Ealasaid Una
thanks so much for updating. wow she related to mush, race, jack, and spot. can't wait to read the rest.
4/25/2011 c9 Ealasaid Una
it is a really good story.
4/25/2011 c4 Ealasaid Una
i like how mush is there for Brat and how much the boys care for her.
4/15/2010 c9 25LucyOfNarnia
update soon!
4/15/2010 c3 LucyOfNarnia
uh oh. Poor hat. Now what's wrong with Spot? Hmm
4/15/2010 c2 LucyOfNarnia
interesting chapter. It's okay that you aren't really following the movie. Your making the story your own that way.
7/25/2009 c9 2Delta Sierra
I'm sorry for my last review. I made mistakes in my own grammar. I'll be able to focus on this one more.

After a comma when putting dialogue, you don't need to capitalize the first word. (example, "Weren't ya..." after "laughed," should just be "weren't ya..." without caps)

"First" needs to have a comma after it.

"lord" needs to be capitalized.

"Cause I-I, I don't know" should be "'Cause I-I don't know" (the comma doesn't sound right to me, and an apostrophe needs to be placed with the "cause").

"your" needs to be "you're" (my reason is in one of my other reviews)

The sentence "When ma died I told her I'd take care of ya" should have a comma after "died".

"But I left and look at you over the past two years" doesn't sound right to me. It sounds better as "but I left, and look at you over the past two years".

"Frankie smiled to herself she'd been waiting for this day since she'd first ran away" has to have a comma after "herself".

Slang of -ing has to have an apostrophe at the end.

"she was sweating and tossing and turning" doesn't flow correctly. You should try to rearrange the words in a better order so that the readers' don't have to pause and wonder if there's something missing.

You need to have commas after names when people are addressing others.

"I am going to get a new wrap for her ankle and the first aid kit hopefully it's not infected", you need a comma after "kit".

I think that you should put "everyone scattered" as it's own paragraph at the end.

This story could use some work, but it's not completely lost yet. Adding detail will probably draw more readers' to it, and maybe they would review more often. Don't forget to put the horizontal bars up so that people know when the chapter ends and when the author note begins (I know, I've said this a lot). I think that the plot for the story is pretty good, although some things are a little fast. It would probably be better if you slowed things down just a tad, and if you made the chapters a little longer.
7/25/2009 c8 Delta Sierra
Hey, again.

"...somewhere and Jack tell Kloppman..." needs to be "...somewhere, and Jack, tell Kloppman..." because you need to separate the sentences with a comma with a conjunction and a comma is needed after a name when addressing somebody.

"smackin" needs to have an apostrophe at the end.

It sounds odd that you put this sentence like this, "Franki smacked him in the leg because they were still standing". It would have flowed better other ways. For instance, if you had told us that they were standing before she smacked them, and didn't put that into the same sentence.

"Since youse awake Kloppman..." there should be a comma after awake, because that is a separate phrase.

The song throws the story off of it's rythem as well. It is a bit too long. I don't mind that the song is in there, but it should have been cut a little bit so that it didn't slow the chapter so much. If it gets too long, readers will be thrown off pace.

Her reaction could probably have been in this chapter and it sitill would have sounded the same. There are probably some other mistakes in the story, but they pretty much are all repeats of the one's that I have already mentioned. I'll be reviewing your next chapter in a little while.
7/25/2009 c7 Delta Sierra
Reviewing again. I'll try to keep it as clean cut as I can.

"We hafta get her back to the lodging house she needs rest" needs to be "We hafta get her back to the lodging house, she needs rest" because, like I've said other times, the phrases need to be separated.

"Enough questions boys" should be "Enough question, boys" because he's addressing others.

"...slowly got up careul not..." needs to be "...slowly got up, careful not..."

Slang form of -ing words need to have an apostrophe at the end.

"When he saw Brat he quickly rushed over" should be "When he saw Brat, he quickly rushed over"

Remember that when connected two different sentences, you need a comma and a conjunction.

"...to do ya..." needs to be "...to do. Ya..." because they need to be separated.

You need to put puncuations into the author notes. It's against the guidelines to have them in the middle of the chapter.
7/25/2009 c6 Delta Sierra
I'll try to be fast in this review. Sorry that they've been so long so far.

"It's okay to be weak sometimes ya know" should have a comma before the "ya" because it's acting as a person's name.

"bout" needs to have an apostrophe in front of it so that it looks like this "'bout". It's because it's a shortening of "about".

"Everybody listen up we got something to say" would sound better as "Everybody, listen up, we got something to say" because the commas make it flow better.

New speakers need to be in different paragraphs, and you need to remember your conjunctions.

The information that "Brat" gave is the first indication to her age that I have seen in this story. This proves my point about detail. I have been picturing "Brat" as a younger girl, but she's older. Better description would have helped more.

Short chapter, again. You need to remember about the horizontal bar to separate the author notes from the rest of the story.
7/25/2009 c5 Delta Sierra
You have too much dialogue in this story. It would be a lot better with more detail so that the reader can see the characters' better and see the general conflict. Right now it is very difficult to see all of that.

This goes along with the "too much dialogue" statement I made above. When the same speaker pauses and then begins to speak again, either keep it in the same paragraph or have some comment about the other person not speaking. I didn't know who was speaking half the time in this chapter.

"your" needs to be "you're" because "your" is the possessive form of "you" while "you're" is the contraction for "you are".

"...you are that's my best..." should be "...you are, but that's my best..." because it has two phrases.

"anyone" is one word.

"They all miss ya already imagine what would happen if ya were totally gone" should be "They all miss ya aready, imagine what would happen if ya were totally gone" because, once again, the comma separates the phrases so that it doesn't get too long.

"I'm sorry" is acting as an interjection. You need to put a comma after it.

My main points are at the top of this review. You need to work on giving some more description of their surroundings.
7/25/2009 c4 Delta Sierra
First things first. Your author note at the top. Instead of telling us in an author note how she got the glass in her leg, why don't you have the characters' ask her what happened and have her tell about the fight through dialogue? That makes the story more interesting and gives the characters' some more emotion and detail.

"to" should be "too", it's a homophone (a word that has a different spelling and meaning, but sounds the same).

Italicize not capitalize. (for emphasis)

"she's mumbling 'Be strong' to herself" should be "she's mumbling 'be strong' to herself" because there's no need to capitalize the "be" in "be strong" if it's in the middle of the middle of what he's saying.

"As soon as he was sure she was good he stormed over to Spot" should be "As soon as he was sure she was good, he stormed over to Spot", need a comma to separate the phrases.

"he paused realizing..." should be "he paused, realizing..."

"...Jack jumped bumping..." should be "...Jack jumped, bumping..."

"fore" needs to be "for"

"She paused again then quieter than before" needs to be "She paused again, then quieter than before said" because the comma needs to separate the phrases and "said" needs to show that she's going to continue talking.

Once again, you need some more detail. Things happen a little too fast in each chapter as well. You could probably combine all of the events as one chapter.
7/25/2009 c3 Delta Sierra
Once again, I'm going chapter by chapter for my reviews.

"he had picked her up" would sound better as "who had picked her up" because it seems to flow better.

"of" needs to be "off", it's just a misspelling.

"...warned her was..." needs to be "...warned her he was...", you left out the subject and it doesn't sound right without it.

"Quietly he whispered" should be "Quietly, he whispered", it needs a comma because it's an adverb at the beginning of a sentence.

"Once he got them off he stared at her foot" should be "Once he got them off, he stared at her foot", you need to separate the phrases.

"Slowly and softly he gently started..." needs to be "Slowly and softly, he gently started..." because you need to separate your adverbs from the rest of the phrase. It doesn't sound right together.

"...tweezers Do..." needs to be "...tweezers. Do..." because you need to put a period in to separate the sentences.

"She took a deep breath, ducked her head, hoping that he couldn't see her tear stained face, and said" needs to be "She took a deep breath as she ducked her head, hoping that he couldn't see her tear stained face, and then said" because it flows better the second way. The first seems very halting and I had to pause a couple of times to see if it was grammatically correct.

You need to put conjunctions in to separate the paragraphs to go with the commas. You can also put in a semicolon instead of a conjunction, but never a comma alone. (example, "They were greeted by silence, Brat realized she hadn't put her hat back on" needs to be "They were greeted by silence, and Brat realized that she hadn't put her hat back on")

Once again, could have used some more detail in this chapter. Some of the things that you put in here made me pause in my reading, so you probably need to work on how to keep the flow of the story going.
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