for The Consequences of Wishes3/28/2023 c1 Hofer97
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Hi Mirika!
I'm Hofer, from a fast-growing online reading platform. Currently, we are looking for new authors to join us. Please kindly leave your email so we can let you know more about it. Thank you!
Check out our platform and social media:
webnovel dot com
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7/21/2014 c38 
16Vampchick2010
poor kurogane was too tired. he should have just napped when he got home. I like this. hope there will be more chapters.
16Vampchick2010poor kurogane was too tired. he should have just napped when he got home. I like this. hope there will be more chapters.
6/1/2014 c38 Paperflowers101
I know it's been a few years but you really need to write the birth and a couple scenes after Toshi is born. You. Have. To!
I know it's been a few years but you really need to write the birth and a couple scenes after Toshi is born. You. Have. To!
3/17/2014 c16 7Scarlet Moons
*Sigh*
I really enjoyed reading this story, but only up until chapter 9. It had a really good story line and plot, but it felt like it was drug out too far when they were taken prisoner. I was expecting maybe a chapter or two, but instead it went on and on. I loved this story, but I hate skipping chapters because I miss out on major plot events. I couldn't continue reading after I saw that the arc had yet to end by chapter 15.
Your chapter lengths are amazing, but the fact that there were so many of these long chapters in the arc ruined it for me. I'm a big fan of your stories, I have practically read everyone of them, but that arc just ruined it for me.
I loved the beginning and the concept of the story though. You did an amazing job with the first few chapters that I enjoyed.
Scarlet Moons
7Scarlet Moons*Sigh*
I really enjoyed reading this story, but only up until chapter 9. It had a really good story line and plot, but it felt like it was drug out too far when they were taken prisoner. I was expecting maybe a chapter or two, but instead it went on and on. I loved this story, but I hate skipping chapters because I miss out on major plot events. I couldn't continue reading after I saw that the arc had yet to end by chapter 15.
Your chapter lengths are amazing, but the fact that there were so many of these long chapters in the arc ruined it for me. I'm a big fan of your stories, I have practically read everyone of them, but that arc just ruined it for me.
I loved the beginning and the concept of the story though. You did an amazing job with the first few chapters that I enjoyed.
Scarlet Moons
11/13/2012 c38 Myv
Kuro-tan D: oh no! What happened? Please upload soon!
Kuro-tan D: oh no! What happened? Please upload soon!
9/8/2012 c38 Kisaru-ouhisama
I love this story no matter how long or detailed it is. I read at least 5 chapters a day and i couldn't wait for tomorrow to come. It had me angst through out most of the beginning of the story. I really wish you could finish this story. To me it is an awesome, lovely, kawaii story I HAV EVA READ! XD
I love this story no matter how long or detailed it is. I read at least 5 chapters a day and i couldn't wait for tomorrow to come. It had me angst through out most of the beginning of the story. I really wish you could finish this story. To me it is an awesome, lovely, kawaii story I HAV EVA READ! XD
7/12/2012 c38 your new fan
I've been reading this fic in one go. Please don't leave it hanging ;_; Please continue at least until Toshihiko's born T_T I beg you m(_ _)m
I've been reading this fic in one go. Please don't leave it hanging ;_; Please continue at least until Toshihiko's born T_T I beg you m(_ _)m
6/13/2012 c38 JustVisiting
A bit of ConCrit on the overall fic?
Fay is very OOC- you've written him as bashful, submissive, overly-emotional and generally haven't really captured his character. It might not be so easy to notice as the writer, but you have him blushing about once every paragraph, and for a character that I don't think blushed once throughout the whole of canon.
I'd touch on Kurogane, but I've got a character limit...
Your OCs are clearly dear to you and you've spent a lot of time thinking about them, but they are over-involved in the fic. I've seen them absorb often as much as half a chapter (a lot considering the length of your chapters). It's worth remembering that you're writing a KuroFay fanfic, where Kurogane and Fay should be the main focus- having your OCs play such a significant part in your fic is like using your audience's attention to showcase your OCs. Also, Archevellon's constant stammering is uncomfortable and stilted to read- you should try and portray his character through ways besides the manner in which he speaks.
I know this in an mpreg fic, but you seem to have assigned gender roles to Kurogane and Fay which are unrealistic and quite heteronormative. The fact that Fay always bottoms in every sex scene is obviously a preference on your part, but he has also been assigned the roles of wife, mother, just generally the woman in the relationship. That's just not how normal m/m couples function- even in fiction, if you don't keep some things realistic, it's just not believable.
Another thing I noticed- the majority of your chapters begin with the characters waking up and end with them going to sleep. Some more dynamic openings and endings would serve you better!
In the last two-thirds of the story, you don't seem to be building up towards anything, besides the baby being born. Already, as I think an earlier reviewer said, you've had chapter upon chapter upon chapter of domesticity and fluff. There's very little going on besides, other than the drama between Archellevon and Edameonus. If the only drama is happening between your two OCs, then... well, in a fanfic, that's not good. It took you eight very long chapters to get to some actual drama in your fic- which I won't go too into but it did seem to stretch on for longer than it had to- and once it had finished after a few chapters, the whole fic returned to what the first eight or so chapters had been: domesticity and fluff. It was like one really long continuous epilogue, with odd little bites of drama and a lot of talk about a baby that is taking a really, really long time coming. I can see you're trying to give an idea of real pregnancy time, but you can see from major published works featuring pregnant women that most writers will indicate in the narrative how much time has gone by and shorten it so the baby arrives and the story can move on. This KuroFay kid should've been born a long time ago, and it seems to be holding off the end of a fic where nothing is really happening besides sex, fluff and OCs. There seems to be nothing going on outside of their home at the moment.
It's probably worth mentioning that pregnancy is a whole lot uglier than you make it out to be in your fic.
And instead of your OCs, you could use significant canon characters a whole lot more- Sakura/Syaoran/Yuuko/Watanuki/Doumeki and many many many more? I mean, CLAMP got a massive bank of characters for fics. Use them! You seemed to exhaust a lot of them very quickly, when you could have been using them to form a larger plot that would have saved the fic from the monotony of domesticity and sex.
In terms of writing technicalities, you could be a lot more adventurous with your narrative. It goes largely between dialogue and character actions/thoughts. The fic also lacks a POV sometimes, which usually only works in stories where you want the reader to be very detached from the character's emotions- I take it that's not what you were aiming for.
All in all:
-you need more plot
-you need to look to canon for characterisation/real life for how you portray the relationships
-you need to cut down on OC inclusion
-you need to be more adventurous in the way you write
-work out ways to shorten your chapters: when trying to get a point across, it is in fact easier to write ten lines than two- but it is better to be more succinct
I can see you haven't touched this fic in a while, but I thought I'd leave a review in case you ever come back to it.
A bit of ConCrit on the overall fic?
Fay is very OOC- you've written him as bashful, submissive, overly-emotional and generally haven't really captured his character. It might not be so easy to notice as the writer, but you have him blushing about once every paragraph, and for a character that I don't think blushed once throughout the whole of canon.
I'd touch on Kurogane, but I've got a character limit...
Your OCs are clearly dear to you and you've spent a lot of time thinking about them, but they are over-involved in the fic. I've seen them absorb often as much as half a chapter (a lot considering the length of your chapters). It's worth remembering that you're writing a KuroFay fanfic, where Kurogane and Fay should be the main focus- having your OCs play such a significant part in your fic is like using your audience's attention to showcase your OCs. Also, Archevellon's constant stammering is uncomfortable and stilted to read- you should try and portray his character through ways besides the manner in which he speaks.
I know this in an mpreg fic, but you seem to have assigned gender roles to Kurogane and Fay which are unrealistic and quite heteronormative. The fact that Fay always bottoms in every sex scene is obviously a preference on your part, but he has also been assigned the roles of wife, mother, just generally the woman in the relationship. That's just not how normal m/m couples function- even in fiction, if you don't keep some things realistic, it's just not believable.
Another thing I noticed- the majority of your chapters begin with the characters waking up and end with them going to sleep. Some more dynamic openings and endings would serve you better!
In the last two-thirds of the story, you don't seem to be building up towards anything, besides the baby being born. Already, as I think an earlier reviewer said, you've had chapter upon chapter upon chapter of domesticity and fluff. There's very little going on besides, other than the drama between Archellevon and Edameonus. If the only drama is happening between your two OCs, then... well, in a fanfic, that's not good. It took you eight very long chapters to get to some actual drama in your fic- which I won't go too into but it did seem to stretch on for longer than it had to- and once it had finished after a few chapters, the whole fic returned to what the first eight or so chapters had been: domesticity and fluff. It was like one really long continuous epilogue, with odd little bites of drama and a lot of talk about a baby that is taking a really, really long time coming. I can see you're trying to give an idea of real pregnancy time, but you can see from major published works featuring pregnant women that most writers will indicate in the narrative how much time has gone by and shorten it so the baby arrives and the story can move on. This KuroFay kid should've been born a long time ago, and it seems to be holding off the end of a fic where nothing is really happening besides sex, fluff and OCs. There seems to be nothing going on outside of their home at the moment.
It's probably worth mentioning that pregnancy is a whole lot uglier than you make it out to be in your fic.
And instead of your OCs, you could use significant canon characters a whole lot more- Sakura/Syaoran/Yuuko/Watanuki/Doumeki and many many many more? I mean, CLAMP got a massive bank of characters for fics. Use them! You seemed to exhaust a lot of them very quickly, when you could have been using them to form a larger plot that would have saved the fic from the monotony of domesticity and sex.
In terms of writing technicalities, you could be a lot more adventurous with your narrative. It goes largely between dialogue and character actions/thoughts. The fic also lacks a POV sometimes, which usually only works in stories where you want the reader to be very detached from the character's emotions- I take it that's not what you were aiming for.
All in all:
-you need more plot
-you need to look to canon for characterisation/real life for how you portray the relationships
-you need to cut down on OC inclusion
-you need to be more adventurous in the way you write
-work out ways to shorten your chapters: when trying to get a point across, it is in fact easier to write ten lines than two- but it is better to be more succinct
I can see you haven't touched this fic in a while, but I thought I'd leave a review in case you ever come back to it.
3/6/2012 c38 6Katsumi27
I absolutely love this fic. I check back all the time just to see if there is more.
I also cant wait until Fai delivers.
We'll be waiting!
6Katsumi27I absolutely love this fic. I check back all the time just to see if there is more.
I also cant wait until Fai delivers.
We'll be waiting!
10/30/2011 c38 Qahla Kwoli
hello,
Just wanted to say how much I love this fiction.
Can't wait for the moment when Fay will deliver, and the face Kurogane will make ^^
Btw do you have any idea as to when you'll post your next chapter(s)? I'm really eager to read what's next to come ;-)
You both are terrific writers
hello,
Just wanted to say how much I love this fiction.
Can't wait for the moment when Fay will deliver, and the face Kurogane will make ^^
Btw do you have any idea as to when you'll post your next chapter(s)? I'm really eager to read what's next to come ;-)
You both are terrific writers
8/20/2011 c1 38Moonphase
This is a very engaging peice of work and I look forward to reading more. Kurogane is a nice guy, at the end anyway! And I like their tension. My only criticism is that there are loads of minor spelling errors and layout errors, which make it difficult to read.
38MoonphaseThis is a very engaging peice of work and I look forward to reading more. Kurogane is a nice guy, at the end anyway! And I like their tension. My only criticism is that there are loads of minor spelling errors and layout errors, which make it difficult to read.
7/30/2011 c1 Anon
"This Broken Soul" by Rebecca Kneubuhl.
It's a wonderfully fitting song for EdArchy~
I'm not sure if it fit Kurofai but it might. ^-^"
"This Broken Soul" by Rebecca Kneubuhl.
It's a wonderfully fitting song for EdArchy~
I'm not sure if it fit Kurofai but it might. ^-^"
7/26/2011 c37 Phio
*le sigh*
And again they went on about how Kurogane would grumble about helping with the Christmas tree four times or so...
They guys are all acting like assholes and provoking Kurogane for no reason.. maybe I don't understand because I'm a girl, but I hate it every time. Poor Kuro-pon never gets a break.
Also, I never thought he'd be the type to yell so much so uselessly, only Fai ever provoked such a reaction. I think of his battle with Seishirou in Outo for reference of how he deals with his anger. Very violent, but also not without thinking and certainly more growling than really articulately shouting so much. Buuut, he's at least a little better in this chapter already.
ALSO: My girlfriend was pregnant and just gave birth three weeks before. It's a VERY private thing and usually you at least ask before you touch, even if you're the grandfather.
This was a real private moment for the two and Toriho isn't just rude and shows he has no tact, he's usurping a role here I don't like. He doesn't have the right to act like it's HIS child or he's got any rights to it, there's simply no excuse for this, no matter how moved and happy he is, but he still does it.
I don't understand why Fai is fine with him being so overbearingly close. I've lost all sympathy for the character, because barging in like that, even if he was emotionally overwhelmed was very very wrong, rude, mean and insensitive to both his son and Fai. They should at least be allowed a little privacy in their own bedroom and THAT would have been one instance where I thought Kurogane would explode and charge at his father for crossing the boundary, not just yelling, where it would have been perfectly justified. I certainly would have knocked out everyone who dared do that.. as did my friend. She hated how everybody immediately went for her stomach and didn't allow anyone to touch her. It's disgustingly intimate if it's someone you haven't allowed to do so.
The grandparents weren't allowed to visit until one and a half weeks after the birth. Overenthusiastic grandparents make you feel like they are going to take the child away for their own and decide everything over your head. It's really hard, but worth it to reign them in some.
Sorry for blowing up like this, but I've recently went through this and it's sort of a touchy topic for me. Pun not intended.
*laugh*
Who the heck says "it's only three weeks till christmas"... nobody I know starts preparations before the second half of November or much later. I only start about two weeks beforehand. At the earliest. Only thing I do earlier is buying presents if I have a good idea or find something in the summer or something.
YAY! Finally Kuro and Fai have their house for themselves again! FINALLY! Now they just have to get rid of Toriho and they might even be allowed to develop some much needed relationship dynamic.
Big families and gatherings are fun, but only once in a while, not permanently. Too many characters at once is exhausting just reading it.
Well.. but as I am still reading it, I guess, all this complaining is just superficial.
*le sigh*
And again they went on about how Kurogane would grumble about helping with the Christmas tree four times or so...
They guys are all acting like assholes and provoking Kurogane for no reason.. maybe I don't understand because I'm a girl, but I hate it every time. Poor Kuro-pon never gets a break.
Also, I never thought he'd be the type to yell so much so uselessly, only Fai ever provoked such a reaction. I think of his battle with Seishirou in Outo for reference of how he deals with his anger. Very violent, but also not without thinking and certainly more growling than really articulately shouting so much. Buuut, he's at least a little better in this chapter already.
ALSO: My girlfriend was pregnant and just gave birth three weeks before. It's a VERY private thing and usually you at least ask before you touch, even if you're the grandfather.
This was a real private moment for the two and Toriho isn't just rude and shows he has no tact, he's usurping a role here I don't like. He doesn't have the right to act like it's HIS child or he's got any rights to it, there's simply no excuse for this, no matter how moved and happy he is, but he still does it.
I don't understand why Fai is fine with him being so overbearingly close. I've lost all sympathy for the character, because barging in like that, even if he was emotionally overwhelmed was very very wrong, rude, mean and insensitive to both his son and Fai. They should at least be allowed a little privacy in their own bedroom and THAT would have been one instance where I thought Kurogane would explode and charge at his father for crossing the boundary, not just yelling, where it would have been perfectly justified. I certainly would have knocked out everyone who dared do that.. as did my friend. She hated how everybody immediately went for her stomach and didn't allow anyone to touch her. It's disgustingly intimate if it's someone you haven't allowed to do so.
The grandparents weren't allowed to visit until one and a half weeks after the birth. Overenthusiastic grandparents make you feel like they are going to take the child away for their own and decide everything over your head. It's really hard, but worth it to reign them in some.
Sorry for blowing up like this, but I've recently went through this and it's sort of a touchy topic for me. Pun not intended.
*laugh*
Who the heck says "it's only three weeks till christmas"... nobody I know starts preparations before the second half of November or much later. I only start about two weeks beforehand. At the earliest. Only thing I do earlier is buying presents if I have a good idea or find something in the summer or something.
YAY! Finally Kuro and Fai have their house for themselves again! FINALLY! Now they just have to get rid of Toriho and they might even be allowed to develop some much needed relationship dynamic.
Big families and gatherings are fun, but only once in a while, not permanently. Too many characters at once is exhausting just reading it.
Well.. but as I am still reading it, I guess, all this complaining is just superficial.