for Unforgiven12/15/2010 c4 
4LittleMissDreamer1
Even though I had no idea who the characters were (I never read this series) I thought that this fanfic was so freaking awesome! You're a seriously amazing author :) Please write more and more :)
4LittleMissDreamer1Even though I had no idea who the characters were (I never read this series) I thought that this fanfic was so freaking awesome! You're a seriously amazing author :) Please write more and more :)
9/2/2010 c4 17randomfan17
One can only hope that time will heal the wounds, haha, sounded corny but i had to do it. Hm, i can get why he didn't go after her, changing means getting new thoughts.
17randomfan17One can only hope that time will heal the wounds, haha, sounded corny but i had to do it. Hm, i can get why he didn't go after her, changing means getting new thoughts.
9/2/2010 c2 randomfan17
Evil, so evil. No one should have sex appeal if their evil, just makes it no fair. Love this story.
Evil, so evil. No one should have sex appeal if their evil, just makes it no fair. Love this story.
9/2/2010 c1 randomfan17
No this was good, i can totally seeing this happen if he remembered and was aware of what they did. I would have been creeped the hell out and gone home, not stay. Love this so far, now to read more.
No this was good, i can totally seeing this happen if he remembered and was aware of what they did. I would have been creeped the hell out and gone home, not stay. Love this so far, now to read more.
8/11/2009 c4 28Dr Spleenmeister
Much, MUCH better, it was worth doing the re-write as the whole things reads much more smoothly. Most importantly they remain in character (I'm such a stickler for OOCness lol), so yay for you, you've done a great job with this and I'm glad I could help!
If you need a hand with anything in future, feel free to PM me any time.
Doc x
28Dr SpleenmeisterMuch, MUCH better, it was worth doing the re-write as the whole things reads much more smoothly. Most importantly they remain in character (I'm such a stickler for OOCness lol), so yay for you, you've done a great job with this and I'm glad I could help!
If you need a hand with anything in future, feel free to PM me any time.
Doc x
8/11/2009 c4 11FebruarySong
Whew, that was really long! And for some reason it posted the whole thing twice, but whatever. I like how you wrote Sylar's change from evil to good, because he's not all good yet, and the change made so much sense. I love him so much, and I really love it when he is a good guy, so I think I like this story! :)
11FebruarySongWhew, that was really long! And for some reason it posted the whole thing twice, but whatever. I like how you wrote Sylar's change from evil to good, because he's not all good yet, and the change made so much sense. I love him so much, and I really love it when he is a good guy, so I think I like this story! :)
8/9/2009 c3 28Dr Spleenmeister
Okay, brace yourself for a big ol' serving of constructive crit!
Calloused hands - nice touch, reminds us that he is a rough person, despite the delicate tasks that his hands engaged in before he became Sylar.
'She was fucking Claire Bennett' - good, strong sentiment, but consider re-wording (because of the context) to 'She was Claire fucking Bennett'.
'Claire leaned down to hover over his face as her small nimble fingers slipped each of the buttons through the small holes in his shirt. Claire opened his shirt to reveal a light dusting of dark brown hair that trailed down into the waist of his pants. Claire sat up. She admired his slightly chiseled abs. His chest was hard and firm. Claire placed her hands against his abs and slowly, gently gyrated herself on his groin. Sylar’s eyes closed and let out a growl that vibrated through Claire’s body.' - Too many 'Claire's in one paragraph, also can one have 'slightly chiseled' abs? Surely they're chiseled or they aren't...
'Claire smiled, unbeknownst to Sylar, because she realized what she’d been feeling. It didn’t have anything to do with lust as much as it did power. Power. Something Claire never really had. Control. Something she always wanted.' - This is a perfect summary of the scene! Awesome!
'Suddenly Sylar’s voice grabbed Claire‘s attention. “Don’t torture me. Get on with it.”' - Very Sylar, selfish through and through!
'She sat up and pulled Sylar’s pants and boxers down revealing his mystery. The part of him that she’d felt before but had never laid eyes on. He was long and extremely hard. She was surprised that she felt completely aroused by the mere site of him.' - 'Site' should be 'sight'
I like how he kept burying his face in her neck, like he was shy or ashamed.
Be careful how many times you use the character's name in one sentence or paragraph. Because there is only one man and one woman in this scene it would actually be quite acceptable to refer to them by name only in moments of real intensity.
'Claire decided that she pitied him. Sylar chose to be a monster. He may have felt that everyone pressured and tricked him into becoming what he was but he always had a choice.' - this is fantastic, it sums up Sylar so perfectly. He DOES blame everyone else but it's ultimately his choice to give in to The Hunger.
'I needed you Claire. I needed to know that I was capable of making someone care about me. Not to see me as a monster but as a man. I felt like I really saw you. And what I saw was beautiful.' - This line in the letter doesn't quite tally. I struggle to see how he can think he made her care for him and not see him as a monster when she ended their interlude by stabbing him in the head LOL! Which would surely say to him that she DID still view him as a monster if she still wanted him dead after sharing what they did.
I hope that all helps!
Doc x
28Dr SpleenmeisterOkay, brace yourself for a big ol' serving of constructive crit!
Calloused hands - nice touch, reminds us that he is a rough person, despite the delicate tasks that his hands engaged in before he became Sylar.
'She was fucking Claire Bennett' - good, strong sentiment, but consider re-wording (because of the context) to 'She was Claire fucking Bennett'.
'Claire leaned down to hover over his face as her small nimble fingers slipped each of the buttons through the small holes in his shirt. Claire opened his shirt to reveal a light dusting of dark brown hair that trailed down into the waist of his pants. Claire sat up. She admired his slightly chiseled abs. His chest was hard and firm. Claire placed her hands against his abs and slowly, gently gyrated herself on his groin. Sylar’s eyes closed and let out a growl that vibrated through Claire’s body.' - Too many 'Claire's in one paragraph, also can one have 'slightly chiseled' abs? Surely they're chiseled or they aren't...
'Claire smiled, unbeknownst to Sylar, because she realized what she’d been feeling. It didn’t have anything to do with lust as much as it did power. Power. Something Claire never really had. Control. Something she always wanted.' - This is a perfect summary of the scene! Awesome!
'Suddenly Sylar’s voice grabbed Claire‘s attention. “Don’t torture me. Get on with it.”' - Very Sylar, selfish through and through!
'She sat up and pulled Sylar’s pants and boxers down revealing his mystery. The part of him that she’d felt before but had never laid eyes on. He was long and extremely hard. She was surprised that she felt completely aroused by the mere site of him.' - 'Site' should be 'sight'
I like how he kept burying his face in her neck, like he was shy or ashamed.
Be careful how many times you use the character's name in one sentence or paragraph. Because there is only one man and one woman in this scene it would actually be quite acceptable to refer to them by name only in moments of real intensity.
'Claire decided that she pitied him. Sylar chose to be a monster. He may have felt that everyone pressured and tricked him into becoming what he was but he always had a choice.' - this is fantastic, it sums up Sylar so perfectly. He DOES blame everyone else but it's ultimately his choice to give in to The Hunger.
'I needed you Claire. I needed to know that I was capable of making someone care about me. Not to see me as a monster but as a man. I felt like I really saw you. And what I saw was beautiful.' - This line in the letter doesn't quite tally. I struggle to see how he can think he made her care for him and not see him as a monster when she ended their interlude by stabbing him in the head LOL! Which would surely say to him that she DID still view him as a monster if she still wanted him dead after sharing what they did.
I hope that all helps!
Doc x
8/8/2009 c3 Ice Nymph
This was really good! You brought out a totally new side of Sylar. Kudos. A sequel anytime soon?
This was really good! You brought out a totally new side of Sylar. Kudos. A sequel anytime soon?
8/8/2009 c3 1Sakura No Mi
Wow that was hot, and with a nice ending! I secretly love it when bad guys turn good, and somehow you pulled that off without it being cheesy! My biggest fear as a writer is cheese. LOL. I enjoyed this story very much, I hope you continue to write. I have a feeling that once Season 4 starts, we'll all be hit with a wave of inspiration :)
1Sakura No MiWow that was hot, and with a nice ending! I secretly love it when bad guys turn good, and somehow you pulled that off without it being cheesy! My biggest fear as a writer is cheese. LOL. I enjoyed this story very much, I hope you continue to write. I have a feeling that once Season 4 starts, we'll all be hit with a wave of inspiration :)
8/7/2009 c3 10BlueWhitney
A great ending! Honestly, I was really sad when she stabbed him, but duh-*smacks forhead*-of course he moved it. I appreciate that the ending was hopeful, as well. :)
10BlueWhitneyA great ending! Honestly, I was really sad when she stabbed him, but duh-*smacks forhead*-of course he moved it. I appreciate that the ending was hopeful, as well. :)