Just In
for Naruto wielder of the Mokuton

12/12/2011 c2 RasenHameha
Nice start. Intresting idea to say tne least, if ya need any come to me for jutsu ideas
6/15/2011 c2 CCSlovergoSXS14
please write the naext chapter soon
5/29/2010 c2 1LunarCatNinja
LOVE the story also, and I hope you update it soon too! ≡∩W∩≡
5/15/2010 c2 fightingstoryaddiction
please update soon!
12/23/2009 c2 12JadeStoneTheYounger
I really like your story so far. Please update again really soon.
12/22/2009 c2 dragonrider666
just wondering when the next chapter will b out
10/28/2009 c2 super12
Good idea so far...a little short and needs some fixing but other then that it was good.

Cant wait for more!
10/11/2009 c2 Deamon Child
Cool idea, could have been conveyed in a more original manner though. Good spelling, good grammar, for the most part. There are some mistakes, although not that noticable, unless one is a complete grammar nazi like myself.

If you want to improve;

a) space out the speech - separate lines.

This not only makes it look nicer, but also easier to read and follow.

b) 1st person. - the hardest person to write in and write a good story for one simple reason: descriptions.

when writing descriptions in the first person, a story can sound horrifically awkward, this will become most evident in any later scenes such as fight scenes. try switching persons, or maybe adding an omniscient narrator whom you can delve in and out of. Or you could add in more of naruto's thoughts- this would not only convey his personality more, but also provide some sort of description and an opinion to further develop him as a character in your story.

c) flesh it out a bit add more description. At the moment a reader doesnt really get a clear picture of what is going on, just that a seemingly bland naruto is talking to a somewhat saintly Shodaime. I'll try to show what i mean with an example:


"Um I don’t understand." You will in due time but first come here.” Having no other options I moved forward and he layed a hand on my forehead.” I am truly sadden by the sins the village has committed upon you Naruto. But rejoice because I have a gift for you, take off your shirt.” I looked at him confuse” um no offense we are alone in a sewer and you are old plus I like girls.” He laughed “no you misunderstood me what I meant was there is a mark on your back.” Looking at him wearily I took off my shirt slowly. And there was a mark on my back a huge tree with its leaves falling.”

how i would have done it:


"Um I don’t understand." I awkwardly responded before I was interrupted -

"You will in due time, but first come here.”

Out of options I cautiously approached, slightly surprised when he lay his hand upon my brow. His face was contorted into a visage of pity, yet there was a hint of cheer in his strong kind voice,

”I am truly saddened by the sins the village has committed upon you Naruto, but rejoice, because I have a gift for you. Take off your shirt.”

Looking at him in confusion I replied,

”Um, no offense, but we're alone in a sewer, and you're old plus I like girls.”

Roaring with laugher he quickly guffawed,

"No you misunderstood me Naruto. What I meant was that there is a mark on your back.”

Looking at him wearily I took off my shirt slowly. And there upon my back lay a mark. It took the form of a huge tree standing out magnificently against the pale pallid skin tone. It branches seemingly fluttering in a non-existent wind, whilst leaves fell from the branches in a state of tranquillity.


What I'm trying to get at is that you need to add more depth to the characters, give them emotions etc.

Other than that it's interesting and I'm interested to see where you take this story. Also remember to have fun whilst writing, after all thats what this site is about, having fun exploring the joys and wonder of writing whislt also learning how to write well. =)

Anyways, I look forward to reading your next installment.
9/27/2009 c2 IchiNel
Its a good connection to the first. But the chapters need to be longer and we need to have a new chapter soon please. m MILF. Though one wounders if Naruto isn't the greatnephew of the first.
9/16/2009 c2 5RogueNya
Interesting concept, I wonder how all this will go, but what of the Fox? I know Mokuton would be a very good counter to the Foxes power.

But I will watch to see what happens. Only suggestion is to take your time on this so you do not rush through the story.
9/15/2009 c2 4lancelot.knight
ok the story is cool so far the only problems i can see are the shortness of the chapters and your punctuation. so i suggest filling out the chapters a little and maybe getting a beta writer or just simply going through your story for spelling and grammer mistakes before you post.
9/6/2009 c2 1Luckydo0g42
Did you know mishimoto or w/e the hell his name is just updated the manga series with 1 that has mandara stating "In you i sense the line of senju" that ass wipe is a rip all the recent chapts have been stolen ideas from fanfic writers if he didn't own the rights to naruto he would be plagurizing!

just wondering if any1 else noticed that and i figured ur story'd b a good 1 to start on *_* i hope u update soon tho, and FYI- don't make him a goody goody make him more like Shino, completely apathetic with no visual emotions or reactions to anything aroud him while having him calculating a deadly. also give him badass Gen, skills what kinda fox can't do illusions (by means of lore not RL- thats retarded to assume)
8/13/2009 c2 2Serena6686
cool but the last sentince confuses me a little bit
8/9/2009 c2 11Read my stuff 007
8/3/2009 c2 tedlay
please update asap it was an great g
24 Page 1 2 Next »

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service