for Monster5/16/2011 c2 
30chronicxxinsanity
:) That's better. I like this story a lot so far and I hope you keep it going. There are a few small grammar errors, like forgetting a comma in a quote or something, but that can all be fixed by just reading over it before posting.
(These two reviews have been brought by Forgotten Fics.)
30chronicxxinsanity:) That's better. I like this story a lot so far and I hope you keep it going. There are a few small grammar errors, like forgetting a comma in a quote or something, but that can all be fixed by just reading over it before posting.
(These two reviews have been brought by Forgotten Fics.)
5/16/2011 c1 chronicxxinsanity
I think that stating the time, place, and character is a little pointless (either pointless or a little lazy). We should be able to find out the place in the story, by way of description (or general assumption - if Shikamaru is sleeping he's probably not exactly behind enemy lines.) The same goes for the time and character; it should be told to us through description in the story, not listing it out.
However, something I think you're doing great on is the amount of description (in general). You aren't using overly descriptive words or talking about every little blade of grass, nor are you only using dialogue and 'he said' 'she said's. :)
Definitely keep it going, but I would try and take out the "The Hidden Leaf Village, Shikamaru Nara, 7:30 PM"s.
I think that stating the time, place, and character is a little pointless (either pointless or a little lazy). We should be able to find out the place in the story, by way of description (or general assumption - if Shikamaru is sleeping he's probably not exactly behind enemy lines.) The same goes for the time and character; it should be told to us through description in the story, not listing it out.
However, something I think you're doing great on is the amount of description (in general). You aren't using overly descriptive words or talking about every little blade of grass, nor are you only using dialogue and 'he said' 'she said's. :)
Definitely keep it going, but I would try and take out the "The Hidden Leaf Village, Shikamaru Nara, 7:30 PM"s.
12/6/2010 c2 13Ioga
Hey, I'm here from Shinobi Review Exchange and Forgotten Fics, here to respond to your call for reviews! :)
First off, since I think writing's more than just a popularity contest, let me just say that I totally disagree with the other reviewers when they say the first mistake of fanfiction is the introduction of an original character.
The first mistake of any fiction, if you ask me, is to not read your text through carefully before you publish it! The second (or, eh, zeroth) mistake is not to ever write it or to write it but never dare to publish. You're past the latter one already, but the first one you probably need to work with; see below.
But to return to the OC issue, the other reviewers may be right in that the random Fanfiction.net reader is out to spend more time with their favourite characters rather than original creations. However, you _can_ teach them stuff about these favourites through original characters too. Not to mention you can weave a good story either way, and that's still worth something even if we're all hungry for readers and reviews.
For my part, I couldn't even easily tell if Ren even was an OC or if she was just from some filler chick I didn't remember. It didn't matter to me, she was sufficiently interesting to act as the point-of-view center.
The first and foremost two reasons I hadn't read your fic before would be:
1) I'd never heard of it - there's so many other fics out there you could be doing great and not really get that first reader. Communities may help get you those readers, as does review exchange. Or writing a fabulous selling fic that makes people hungry for other stuff by you. ;)
And even if I had seen the fic in a listing, 2) The summary doesn't sell. It doesn't indicate who the 'he' is and who the 'her' is (you could tag Shikamaru at least). Shikamaru is among the characters I'm interested in, and you therefore just missed the opportunity to sell the fic to me through him. This is the second part of having a lot of competition: people won't look inside a fic/book (coming from listings or bookshelves) before they're already pretty confident they'll read the story. So make your book cover count! And check its spelling five times and _definitely_ don't leave unfinished sentences in it. Mistakes in the cover imply even more mistakes inside, and that again loses the interest of many readers just out to amuse themselves.
Once I'm inside the fic, though, the first thing that catches my eye is a serious case of missing punctuation (and/or misstructured and overlong sentences). It's bad enough that it gets in the way of reading the story. If this were a long fic I would give up on it during the first chapter. So, after all that selling effort, you'd lose the reader due to not doing the last round of language checking? That sucks!
Let's take an example or two from the start of the story so you get an idea of what I'm whining about. "He was lazing around as much as he hated to do anything that wasn't necessary he couldn't turn down the offer of Anbu." This might be a sentence if there was an em dash between "around" and "as". Right now it isn't really parseable. "'Shikamaru, go get your father from the bar, now.' she said Shikamaru was already halfway undressed of his wet clothes when he heard his mother's order." There's two sentences without a separating period there.
The same symptom repeats in paragraphs: some of them are _really_ long. A good test for paragraph length is whether your reader could basically follow the plot if they only read the first sentences (and possibly the last ones) of all paragraphs and nothing else. If they'd miss out on something big, you know it needs its own paragraph(s).
If you want to have more people reading and reviewing this, you should seriously consider first going through the text very slowly yourself, and if you're blind to your own text, having someone read it through to point out the mistakes. With red pen on paper rather than directly correcting it, if possible, it helps you learn too.
I'm ready to guess you haven't actually even read the second chapter between being done with it and posting it, because it has a sudden note to self: "Wordiness (consider revising)" in the _middle of a sentence_. This kind of error you really need to eliminate.
Just to give you a point of reference: there's some people I read out there who've been writing since they were 12, and they have books which are in their _seventh_ round of rewrites. The story and flow get slightly better every rewrite, until eventually it gets good enough that a slight mismatch in what the story is about and what I think I'm interested in _no longer matter_. Reading the text carefully before posting is a small fraction of the effort put into some of the best stuff in here. It's not that you have to do it when you write for yourself, but if you're spending time anxiously yearning for reviews, spend it on working on the text instead.
As for chapter length, since you seemed to be worried about it, I personally don't care if they're long or short, only the total length somewhat interests me. Some like chapters short (for short attention spans, I hear), I personally prefer them longer for technical reasons. The main point is to make them of a length where the chapter division supports the flow of the story. I'd go for an average chapter length that would allow you to put the long flashback into a chapter of its own, because a "third-level title" within a chapter badly breaks the flow of the text. Give that as a title of the chapter containing the flashback instead.
Speaking of the flashback, fleshing out the bloodline power of Ren's family and her ties to Orochimaru really deserves a more prestigious location than side notes in the middle of paragraphs about Ren's relationship with her mother. (How do I know the paragraphs are about just that? That's what the first sentences of them are about! :))
Ok, this is probably a lot to absorb, I hope it's not too much at once - I only write all this because you had posted a review request on both forums I'm requesting reviews on myself (so you've essentially got 2 reviews in one ;)), and because I thought the reviews you had so far were kind of missing the point on the whole attracting and keeping readers problem.
I'd like to learn more about this new ability you've come up with, I'd like to figure out who on earth is the monster the summary refers to, and I'm curious about how the relationship between Ren and Shikamaru develops. There are interesting ideas in this fic, but to a large degree they haven't really taken off at this point yet so it's hard to say much about them.
I'd like to encourage you to keep on writing. It's the only way to get better, for starters, and even if your favourite fic might not attract readers, you might by happenstance write one that pulls in people who get curious enough to read your other stuff too. It happens to me as a reader all the time. :)
Thanks for this!
13IogaHey, I'm here from Shinobi Review Exchange and Forgotten Fics, here to respond to your call for reviews! :)
First off, since I think writing's more than just a popularity contest, let me just say that I totally disagree with the other reviewers when they say the first mistake of fanfiction is the introduction of an original character.
The first mistake of any fiction, if you ask me, is to not read your text through carefully before you publish it! The second (or, eh, zeroth) mistake is not to ever write it or to write it but never dare to publish. You're past the latter one already, but the first one you probably need to work with; see below.
But to return to the OC issue, the other reviewers may be right in that the random Fanfiction.net reader is out to spend more time with their favourite characters rather than original creations. However, you _can_ teach them stuff about these favourites through original characters too. Not to mention you can weave a good story either way, and that's still worth something even if we're all hungry for readers and reviews.
For my part, I couldn't even easily tell if Ren even was an OC or if she was just from some filler chick I didn't remember. It didn't matter to me, she was sufficiently interesting to act as the point-of-view center.
The first and foremost two reasons I hadn't read your fic before would be:
1) I'd never heard of it - there's so many other fics out there you could be doing great and not really get that first reader. Communities may help get you those readers, as does review exchange. Or writing a fabulous selling fic that makes people hungry for other stuff by you. ;)
And even if I had seen the fic in a listing, 2) The summary doesn't sell. It doesn't indicate who the 'he' is and who the 'her' is (you could tag Shikamaru at least). Shikamaru is among the characters I'm interested in, and you therefore just missed the opportunity to sell the fic to me through him. This is the second part of having a lot of competition: people won't look inside a fic/book (coming from listings or bookshelves) before they're already pretty confident they'll read the story. So make your book cover count! And check its spelling five times and _definitely_ don't leave unfinished sentences in it. Mistakes in the cover imply even more mistakes inside, and that again loses the interest of many readers just out to amuse themselves.
Once I'm inside the fic, though, the first thing that catches my eye is a serious case of missing punctuation (and/or misstructured and overlong sentences). It's bad enough that it gets in the way of reading the story. If this were a long fic I would give up on it during the first chapter. So, after all that selling effort, you'd lose the reader due to not doing the last round of language checking? That sucks!
Let's take an example or two from the start of the story so you get an idea of what I'm whining about. "He was lazing around as much as he hated to do anything that wasn't necessary he couldn't turn down the offer of Anbu." This might be a sentence if there was an em dash between "around" and "as". Right now it isn't really parseable. "'Shikamaru, go get your father from the bar, now.' she said Shikamaru was already halfway undressed of his wet clothes when he heard his mother's order." There's two sentences without a separating period there.
The same symptom repeats in paragraphs: some of them are _really_ long. A good test for paragraph length is whether your reader could basically follow the plot if they only read the first sentences (and possibly the last ones) of all paragraphs and nothing else. If they'd miss out on something big, you know it needs its own paragraph(s).
If you want to have more people reading and reviewing this, you should seriously consider first going through the text very slowly yourself, and if you're blind to your own text, having someone read it through to point out the mistakes. With red pen on paper rather than directly correcting it, if possible, it helps you learn too.
I'm ready to guess you haven't actually even read the second chapter between being done with it and posting it, because it has a sudden note to self: "Wordiness (consider revising)" in the _middle of a sentence_. This kind of error you really need to eliminate.
Just to give you a point of reference: there's some people I read out there who've been writing since they were 12, and they have books which are in their _seventh_ round of rewrites. The story and flow get slightly better every rewrite, until eventually it gets good enough that a slight mismatch in what the story is about and what I think I'm interested in _no longer matter_. Reading the text carefully before posting is a small fraction of the effort put into some of the best stuff in here. It's not that you have to do it when you write for yourself, but if you're spending time anxiously yearning for reviews, spend it on working on the text instead.
As for chapter length, since you seemed to be worried about it, I personally don't care if they're long or short, only the total length somewhat interests me. Some like chapters short (for short attention spans, I hear), I personally prefer them longer for technical reasons. The main point is to make them of a length where the chapter division supports the flow of the story. I'd go for an average chapter length that would allow you to put the long flashback into a chapter of its own, because a "third-level title" within a chapter badly breaks the flow of the text. Give that as a title of the chapter containing the flashback instead.
Speaking of the flashback, fleshing out the bloodline power of Ren's family and her ties to Orochimaru really deserves a more prestigious location than side notes in the middle of paragraphs about Ren's relationship with her mother. (How do I know the paragraphs are about just that? That's what the first sentences of them are about! :))
Ok, this is probably a lot to absorb, I hope it's not too much at once - I only write all this because you had posted a review request on both forums I'm requesting reviews on myself (so you've essentially got 2 reviews in one ;)), and because I thought the reviews you had so far were kind of missing the point on the whole attracting and keeping readers problem.
I'd like to learn more about this new ability you've come up with, I'd like to figure out who on earth is the monster the summary refers to, and I'm curious about how the relationship between Ren and Shikamaru develops. There are interesting ideas in this fic, but to a large degree they haven't really taken off at this point yet so it's hard to say much about them.
I'd like to encourage you to keep on writing. It's the only way to get better, for starters, and even if your favourite fic might not attract readers, you might by happenstance write one that pulls in people who get curious enough to read your other stuff too. It happens to me as a reader all the time. :)
Thanks for this!
4/8/2010 c1 1NewRageInc
Okay,
Well I didn't get very far in to your first chapter before I felt the need to say something so this is going to be a very long review.
For starters, you need to revise your sentences. Aside from run-on sentences, it doesn't flow as naturally as it could. I used to have a lot of problems with that too and I admit that I often struggle with fluidity. I recognize the problem very well.
I don't know if this is more of just my opinion, but I dislike how it sounds when overly describing actions. There is a point in time where you have to step back and wonder if what you've written has too much in it. Last year, my junior year of high school, my AP English teacher gave a very serious lesson. There is no point in flooding your writing with uneeded fluff to try and sound 'smart'. Simplicity is always the best way to go, especially when in doubt.
I agree with the other person who reviewed your story. A big mistake you're made is that you've made an OC in to a focal point of the story, it is very difficult to pull off an OC. I myself refuse to read a story with an OC in it unless it's damn good and I don't have to think about said OC often. Your character, on a first impression, is cute and happy-go-lucky. But the ramen thing with the pranks makes it sort of weird for me. Idk.
Well that felt bitchy, let me lighten up.
It's pretty funny towards the end. Like it would be really fun to read if I were a little bit younger. I used to love stories like this. All the introductions got repetitive but I guess it's alright since it is OC and all. I wont read your next chapter. But I will put you on my alerts. Good luck on trying to hook some ff peeps. It's a terribly hard thing to do and it's such a bummer when people don't like your stuff or they don't bother reviewing.
Make me love you,
NewRageInc.
1NewRageIncOkay,
Well I didn't get very far in to your first chapter before I felt the need to say something so this is going to be a very long review.
For starters, you need to revise your sentences. Aside from run-on sentences, it doesn't flow as naturally as it could. I used to have a lot of problems with that too and I admit that I often struggle with fluidity. I recognize the problem very well.
I don't know if this is more of just my opinion, but I dislike how it sounds when overly describing actions. There is a point in time where you have to step back and wonder if what you've written has too much in it. Last year, my junior year of high school, my AP English teacher gave a very serious lesson. There is no point in flooding your writing with uneeded fluff to try and sound 'smart'. Simplicity is always the best way to go, especially when in doubt.
I agree with the other person who reviewed your story. A big mistake you're made is that you've made an OC in to a focal point of the story, it is very difficult to pull off an OC. I myself refuse to read a story with an OC in it unless it's damn good and I don't have to think about said OC often. Your character, on a first impression, is cute and happy-go-lucky. But the ramen thing with the pranks makes it sort of weird for me. Idk.
Well that felt bitchy, let me lighten up.
It's pretty funny towards the end. Like it would be really fun to read if I were a little bit younger. I used to love stories like this. All the introductions got repetitive but I guess it's alright since it is OC and all. I wont read your next chapter. But I will put you on my alerts. Good luck on trying to hook some ff peeps. It's a terribly hard thing to do and it's such a bummer when people don't like your stuff or they don't bother reviewing.
Make me love you,
NewRageInc.
8/2/2009 c2 Kyuubi-Sama
Well the story is written well, but you've made the #1 mistake in writing a fan fic. You've made the focal point of the story about an OC instead of an established character. Good luck getting readers because most people don't even like OC's in minor roles in stories and you've got yours as the main lead.
Well the story is written well, but you've made the #1 mistake in writing a fan fic. You've made the focal point of the story about an OC instead of an established character. Good luck getting readers because most people don't even like OC's in minor roles in stories and you've got yours as the main lead.