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for Diamond & Pearl Platinum Destiny

12/18/2009 c7 5KARIN848
Cool, Dawn's awesome :3
12/13/2009 c6 KARIN848
Cool! I can't wait until Dawn shows up in the next chapter! :3
11/28/2009 c5 KARIN848
cool! Is Jun going to travel with Dawn and Lucas or keep going off on his own? Also does Jun like Dawn?
8/30/2009 c2 KARIN848
cool! love the story! write more!
8/16/2009 c2 Anon
Again, it’s quite exciting—I’m very thankful for the changes that you’ve made to the game plot, it makes for a great read! I liked seeing the same morning from Jun’s perspective, and the way you’ve worded his actions fits perfectly! I’ll continue along the lines of the first review; I really like the Bidoof dam idea that you’ve got, and Jun being sneaky and taking the pokemon is very creative.

By descriptions and setting, you’ve improved from the first chapter—one thing to keep in mind is that most paragraphs are generally 4-5 sentences long. We can only see what you’ve told us, and are left to make the rest up by ourselves, so if you’ve got a lot of imagery in your head for these scenes, feel free to describe it to us! For example, the way you’ve worded the entrance to Lake Verity was lovely.

This changes when you want to have a dramatic back-and-forth dialogue between characters (so there would be less description), but try to keep that in mind. Otherwise, you’ve got a great story!
8/7/2009 c1 Anon
A pretty good start you've got, it's not terribly generic. I like the Bidoof attack. I'm interested to see how the story will move with the change in perspective of the characters.

Hehe, your ideas are interesting for keeping Dawn the leading protagonist. (Is Lucas going to be the 'damsel in distress,' then? XD)

I like how you've emphasized the characters' personalities with their actions. I'm glad to see the characters are slightly older than their 10-year-old game counterparts, too. Keep it up! Some description of the settings would be nice, too.

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