for The Raikage2/2/2021 c4 archangelazraelson
it's not depth it's called debt I have seen alot of this spelling typo not criticizing just pointing out... very good story by the way
it's not depth it's called debt I have seen alot of this spelling typo not criticizing just pointing out... very good story by the way
1/27/2021 c9 PeenPunisher99
i understand some stories start off slow, but this starts off SLOW. i find myself skipping half chapters because i loose interest quickly, and why are the chapters so fucking long? its like 20-30k chapters, jesus fucking christ.
i understand some stories start off slow, but this starts off SLOW. i find myself skipping half chapters because i loose interest quickly, and why are the chapters so fucking long? its like 20-30k chapters, jesus fucking christ.
1/26/2021 c3 PeenPunisher99
whats the point of introducing so many characters with long and somewhat repetative backstories if readers are just going to forget then the next chapter
whats the point of introducing so many characters with long and somewhat repetative backstories if readers are just going to forget then the next chapter
1/17/2021 c3 
4halo4hire
Your character introductions read drier than an army regulation manual. That is to say, uninteresting. Boring. This is expanded upon by the fact that you use super long paragraphs that give no break in the information dump. What's more, you expect your reader to flip back and forth between your profile and your story instead of articulately describing your minds vision of these characters. You even stop sentences halfway, ending them with an author note. This is extraordinarily lazy and as a reader, this whole chapter ruins any interest the story might have had. There is hardly any real character interaction between the characters that show up other than the base "hello there" before they sit down and fade to the background. You then proceed to tell us how their personalities are like, beating us over the head like we the readers are incompetent buffoons.
Then we come to your spelling and grammar. Di immortales, break up your paragraphs! This chapter is torture for someone with dyslexia to battle through! Brick after brick of ultimately useless text that describes nothing and only wastes words for the word count, why I had to stop several times just to take a break from all the swimming the letters did they were so tightly packed. Added with the unimaginative descriptions and lazy relaying of info, it honestly felt like I was trying to study for an exam. That's not even touching your repetitive words, your incorrect uses, incomplete sentences or your misspellings.
Don't lose heart however. Practice, as they say, makes perfect. Writing isn't a talent, its a skill. Rather like learning to ride a bike, its not something you just pick up and are immediately good at. No, it takes repetition and study to be better. Don't give up, learn from your mistakes. Try instead of just pointing at your profile and saying go look, write it out like your explaining it to a blind person. Don't explain their personalities, show the reader through the character's interactions. How does Soi Fon treat the former pirate? How does Naruto and Byakkuya interact? Small things like "she snarled when he walked in and, though he visibly ignored her, if one looked closely, they could see a hint of a blush." Explains far far more than "his character was this"
In summary:
1. break up your paragraphs, this will make it easier for people with reading disabilities to enjoy your work.
2. Instead of lump summing your character descriptions into something you'd see in a dossier, describe them like you're talking to a blind person.
3. Don't explain, show. We, the readers, come to enjoy and relax, so don't expect us to retain information dropped in a text book like information dump. This will cause many readers to just skip over the given information or lose interest entirely, losing what could have been potential returning fans of your works. Your Yoruichi and Soi Fon were flatter than paper as characters with no real personalities.
4. Have fun. If you don't enjoy your writing, it comes off bland and boring, and it shows with your lazy wording. Change it up, add some life to your words, some character. So far it has just felt like your going through the motions of description, not really living them as you write. Take a break, drink some water, and refresh yourself. Imagine your characters in motion, like they're doing something silly.
I'm hoping as the story progresses, these flaws get fix. If this is your first fic, I hope you have gotten better and plan to return to fix this fic.
4halo4hireYour character introductions read drier than an army regulation manual. That is to say, uninteresting. Boring. This is expanded upon by the fact that you use super long paragraphs that give no break in the information dump. What's more, you expect your reader to flip back and forth between your profile and your story instead of articulately describing your minds vision of these characters. You even stop sentences halfway, ending them with an author note. This is extraordinarily lazy and as a reader, this whole chapter ruins any interest the story might have had. There is hardly any real character interaction between the characters that show up other than the base "hello there" before they sit down and fade to the background. You then proceed to tell us how their personalities are like, beating us over the head like we the readers are incompetent buffoons.
Then we come to your spelling and grammar. Di immortales, break up your paragraphs! This chapter is torture for someone with dyslexia to battle through! Brick after brick of ultimately useless text that describes nothing and only wastes words for the word count, why I had to stop several times just to take a break from all the swimming the letters did they were so tightly packed. Added with the unimaginative descriptions and lazy relaying of info, it honestly felt like I was trying to study for an exam. That's not even touching your repetitive words, your incorrect uses, incomplete sentences or your misspellings.
Don't lose heart however. Practice, as they say, makes perfect. Writing isn't a talent, its a skill. Rather like learning to ride a bike, its not something you just pick up and are immediately good at. No, it takes repetition and study to be better. Don't give up, learn from your mistakes. Try instead of just pointing at your profile and saying go look, write it out like your explaining it to a blind person. Don't explain their personalities, show the reader through the character's interactions. How does Soi Fon treat the former pirate? How does Naruto and Byakkuya interact? Small things like "she snarled when he walked in and, though he visibly ignored her, if one looked closely, they could see a hint of a blush." Explains far far more than "his character was this"
In summary:
1. break up your paragraphs, this will make it easier for people with reading disabilities to enjoy your work.
2. Instead of lump summing your character descriptions into something you'd see in a dossier, describe them like you're talking to a blind person.
3. Don't explain, show. We, the readers, come to enjoy and relax, so don't expect us to retain information dropped in a text book like information dump. This will cause many readers to just skip over the given information or lose interest entirely, losing what could have been potential returning fans of your works. Your Yoruichi and Soi Fon were flatter than paper as characters with no real personalities.
4. Have fun. If you don't enjoy your writing, it comes off bland and boring, and it shows with your lazy wording. Change it up, add some life to your words, some character. So far it has just felt like your going through the motions of description, not really living them as you write. Take a break, drink some water, and refresh yourself. Imagine your characters in motion, like they're doing something silly.
I'm hoping as the story progresses, these flaws get fix. If this is your first fic, I hope you have gotten better and plan to return to fix this fic.
12/16/2020 c19 Guest
siguela forfa
siguela forfa
12/13/2020 c3 Yami Fenikkusu
This chapter is long asf. I’m surprised it doesn’t even have 100k words.
This chapter is long asf. I’m surprised it doesn’t even have 100k words.
12/13/2020 c2 Yami Fenikkusu
It said that Hiruzen and Kurenai was the only family Konohamaru have left. But didn’t Hiruzen die.
It said that Hiruzen and Kurenai was the only family Konohamaru have left. But didn’t Hiruzen die.
12/13/2020 c2 Yami Fenikkusu
I been reading for at least for like 40 minutes and I’m done yet. This chapter have a lot of words.
I been reading for at least for like 40 minutes and I’m done yet. This chapter have a lot of words.
12/13/2020 c1 nibbler.maj
Your writing is actually beyond awful. Your use of Japanese names is extremely distracting and annoying, especially since you include the English translation as well.
Your writing is actually beyond awful. Your use of Japanese names is extremely distracting and annoying, especially since you include the English translation as well.
12/5/2020 c2 Guest
This would've been a great story if it wasn't for the ten thousand extra OCs you added in
This would've been a great story if it wasn't for the ten thousand extra OCs you added in
12/2/2020 c14 Li-Ion78
The harem horror ugh HAHAHH still reading tho bc its kinda good barring some problema
The harem horror ugh HAHAHH still reading tho bc its kinda good barring some problema
12/2/2020 c13 Li-Ion78
Statements of what we already know plus the glaring obvious continues to ruin the flow of the narrative lol
Statements of what we already know plus the glaring obvious continues to ruin the flow of the narrative lol