for Exiled8/17/2015 c12 Eve
Alright, I'm going to go straight to the point and say that your story is not bad. It was a very good plot line and I liked the first few chapters.
HOWEVER, there is a lot I have to criticize. First, the point of view switches are very confusing. They jump from one scene to another without a good transition. As an avid fanfiction reader, this bothers me because bad story flows make me cringe and decide whether I should continue or not. Second, you tend to add unnecessary details at times. The introduction of too many characters at once makes the story veer off from its original plot and hard to follow. Some of the characters' actions are also questionable and OOC. Third, the problems with grammar and spelling. *shudders* As a perfectionist, this frustrates me the most. By using incorrect grammar and misspelling, the fanfic looks very unprofessional. A few every now and then can be overlooked, but it has occurred way too frequently in your chapters to be forgiven.
Overall, I give this whole fanfiction 6.5/10. It was good, but could be improved. I know it has been several years since you completed this, but I needed to voice my opinions. Forgive me if I seem harsh, but I believe good criticism can help one grow as a writer.
Alright, I'm going to go straight to the point and say that your story is not bad. It was a very good plot line and I liked the first few chapters.
HOWEVER, there is a lot I have to criticize. First, the point of view switches are very confusing. They jump from one scene to another without a good transition. As an avid fanfiction reader, this bothers me because bad story flows make me cringe and decide whether I should continue or not. Second, you tend to add unnecessary details at times. The introduction of too many characters at once makes the story veer off from its original plot and hard to follow. Some of the characters' actions are also questionable and OOC. Third, the problems with grammar and spelling. *shudders* As a perfectionist, this frustrates me the most. By using incorrect grammar and misspelling, the fanfic looks very unprofessional. A few every now and then can be overlooked, but it has occurred way too frequently in your chapters to be forgiven.
Overall, I give this whole fanfiction 6.5/10. It was good, but could be improved. I know it has been several years since you completed this, but I needed to voice my opinions. Forgive me if I seem harsh, but I believe good criticism can help one grow as a writer.
8/19/2010 c12 Ninjamooseofthemist
Holy crud if you don't write the sequal my soul might fall out and die D: WILLLLL!
Holy crud if you don't write the sequal my soul might fall out and die D: WILLLLL!
6/23/2010 c8 
18karrot bear
Indeed it was one of his hairs.
THank you this chapter, you make Aaron too perfect like that.
PLus the whole train conductor thing made me happy.
18karrot bearIndeed it was one of his hairs.
THank you this chapter, you make Aaron too perfect like that.
PLus the whole train conductor thing made me happy.
6/23/2010 c6 karrot bear
Love the Gardenia part. I can totally see that happening.
In other news, Roark needs to grow a pair.
Love the Gardenia part. I can totally see that happening.
In other news, Roark needs to grow a pair.
5/31/2010 c12 Raiden
Hey! I completely loved your story! While other people come with a simple journey of collecting badges and fight against trainers, you actually cam with something so different that I read it until the last word!
As a big fan of Volkner, seeing (well, not that I actually SAW him but... whatever) him hurt that much was hard, but as long as he survives, I'm happy! :D An poor Flint. He'll get his ass electrocuted if Volkie manages catch him. But...but... LUXRAY! Can't believe you actually made him die! *sniff* Volkie is all alone now. But his relation with Flint will be wasted... Even if Flint did the biggest mistake in his entire life, they spent about 10 to 15 years together. Losing such deep relation is sad. I wonder what it would look like in further encounters between those two.
I wonder what Lance is talking about. What place? As a Gym Leader? Or he takes Will's place? An electric-type trainer as an Elite? That could be sooooo cool... Well, don't ask, I'm a big BIG fan of electric pokémon. And I really liked the way you mixed characters from differents games.
All to say that I realy liked it! More than any other I read. Plus, I don't usually review stories, but I HAD for this one!
Continue the good word! I'll see forward for next Pokemon fanfiction! I really want to know what happens to Volkie and that poor Will! and I have to say, what happens to Flint! :P
See ya!
Hey! I completely loved your story! While other people come with a simple journey of collecting badges and fight against trainers, you actually cam with something so different that I read it until the last word!
As a big fan of Volkner, seeing (well, not that I actually SAW him but... whatever) him hurt that much was hard, but as long as he survives, I'm happy! :D An poor Flint. He'll get his ass electrocuted if Volkie manages catch him. But...but... LUXRAY! Can't believe you actually made him die! *sniff* Volkie is all alone now. But his relation with Flint will be wasted... Even if Flint did the biggest mistake in his entire life, they spent about 10 to 15 years together. Losing such deep relation is sad. I wonder what it would look like in further encounters between those two.
I wonder what Lance is talking about. What place? As a Gym Leader? Or he takes Will's place? An electric-type trainer as an Elite? That could be sooooo cool... Well, don't ask, I'm a big BIG fan of electric pokémon. And I really liked the way you mixed characters from differents games.
All to say that I realy liked it! More than any other I read. Plus, I don't usually review stories, but I HAD for this one!
Continue the good word! I'll see forward for next Pokemon fanfiction! I really want to know what happens to Volkie and that poor Will! and I have to say, what happens to Flint! :P
See ya!
5/24/2010 c12 12KurosakisMixedBag
so is this the last chapter? cause if it is, i want book two to be up! like right away!
12KurosakisMixedBagso is this the last chapter? cause if it is, i want book two to be up! like right away!
5/2/2010 c12 Mailo
YAY!^^
I really liked it.^^ And I'd LOVE to know what happens next.^^
But could you post in this chapter, what name the next part will have?
I'm asking because I'm not a member...
YAY!^^
I really liked it.^^ And I'd LOVE to know what happens next.^^
But could you post in this chapter, what name the next part will have?
I'm asking because I'm not a member...
4/30/2010 c9 23L100Meganium
You had a good idea with this fic. I got very excited when I saw someone had finally written a story about Volkner and Flint. I love those two.
You started off very well. I wondered why Volkner had been voted out; I wondered why everyone was against him; I wondered why even Flint was unwilling to stand up for him, and what horrible thing Volkner possibly could have done. Very good.
However.
You started going downhill right from the time Volkner was captured. Is it just me, or does it seem like he was captured twice in that passage? Huh?
Also, you seem to be letting your own personal opinions on characters influence your portrayal of them. It doesn't matter if you hate Cynthia or think Lance is awesome or whatever-you have to treat all characters equally, and portray them with the traits and mannerisms they already possess.
You sure went through a lot of points of view in-Chapter 6, was it?... Anyway. I got sort of tired of reading the events over and over again, just from a different perspective. If you ran out of ways to describe something, it's probably a sign that you shouldn't describe it anymore.
Elastitramp sounds like a flexible prostitute...
Watch out for typos and misspellings! As a perfectionist, they make me cringe a little. XD
Your characters seem a little inconsistent. First they vote Volkner out, and then they all hate Cynthia? Wasn't it their fault, not hers? Make their motives for voting Volkner out clearer, because I'm stumped.
You're also leaving quite a few loose ends. I'm writing this after finishing Chapter 7, so maybe you've answered these already, but what happened to Luxray? Will we ever find out what exactly Volkner did? And et cetera.
Also, 'a very yelled "Ice" was yelled'? C'mon, you can be more creative with words than that! You wrote a really compelling first chapter with beautiful descriptions, after all! ;)
Another thing: What in the world gave you the idea that Aaron is a vain person? He doesn't act that way in any media...I'm stumped. Unless it's for comedic value?...
And I liked Almia =( XD
Anyway, keep trying! You've definitely got talent, but your characterization, perspective, and discriptions need a little work. Hope I don't seem like a jerk...I really want to help. I know it hurts to receive criticism, but I promise it really does help.
Don't give up! ^_^
23L100MeganiumYou had a good idea with this fic. I got very excited when I saw someone had finally written a story about Volkner and Flint. I love those two.
You started off very well. I wondered why Volkner had been voted out; I wondered why everyone was against him; I wondered why even Flint was unwilling to stand up for him, and what horrible thing Volkner possibly could have done. Very good.
However.
You started going downhill right from the time Volkner was captured. Is it just me, or does it seem like he was captured twice in that passage? Huh?
Also, you seem to be letting your own personal opinions on characters influence your portrayal of them. It doesn't matter if you hate Cynthia or think Lance is awesome or whatever-you have to treat all characters equally, and portray them with the traits and mannerisms they already possess.
You sure went through a lot of points of view in-Chapter 6, was it?... Anyway. I got sort of tired of reading the events over and over again, just from a different perspective. If you ran out of ways to describe something, it's probably a sign that you shouldn't describe it anymore.
Elastitramp sounds like a flexible prostitute...
Watch out for typos and misspellings! As a perfectionist, they make me cringe a little. XD
Your characters seem a little inconsistent. First they vote Volkner out, and then they all hate Cynthia? Wasn't it their fault, not hers? Make their motives for voting Volkner out clearer, because I'm stumped.
You're also leaving quite a few loose ends. I'm writing this after finishing Chapter 7, so maybe you've answered these already, but what happened to Luxray? Will we ever find out what exactly Volkner did? And et cetera.
Also, 'a very yelled "Ice" was yelled'? C'mon, you can be more creative with words than that! You wrote a really compelling first chapter with beautiful descriptions, after all! ;)
Another thing: What in the world gave you the idea that Aaron is a vain person? He doesn't act that way in any media...I'm stumped. Unless it's for comedic value?...
And I liked Almia =( XD
Anyway, keep trying! You've definitely got talent, but your characterization, perspective, and discriptions need a little work. Hope I don't seem like a jerk...I really want to help. I know it hurts to receive criticism, but I promise it really does help.
Don't give up! ^_^
4/30/2010 c12 36SharkbaitSekki
Oh. My. God. I SHALL GO ALL NINJAAHH ON JOO TOO! :D
That was an amazing ending :O I wanna know what happens next. CLIFFIES MUST DIE. Write more, okay, and message me when you do start the new story (:
Yey Volkner ^^ He's soo cute ^^ Though I'd hate to see him away from his beloved gym and pokemanzz D: Is he ever gonna go back to Sunnyshore? D: Cause Maybelene is st00pid. Falling for a cheap trick such as that.
Didja see, I remembered her name :D My memory span ain't THAT bad ^^
Really, this should have moar reviews " It's a great story (: You're very talented, and so, keep writing. Just be sure to check spelling and grammar, not that I can do better xD
Anyways, great job once again, congrats on ending your story, and GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR OTHER WRITING PLANS! 3
~LoZ4Life
36SharkbaitSekkiOh. My. God. I SHALL GO ALL NINJAAHH ON JOO TOO! :D
That was an amazing ending :O I wanna know what happens next. CLIFFIES MUST DIE. Write more, okay, and message me when you do start the new story (:
Yey Volkner ^^ He's soo cute ^^ Though I'd hate to see him away from his beloved gym and pokemanzz D: Is he ever gonna go back to Sunnyshore? D: Cause Maybelene is st00pid. Falling for a cheap trick such as that.
Didja see, I remembered her name :D My memory span ain't THAT bad ^^
Really, this should have moar reviews " It's a great story (: You're very talented, and so, keep writing. Just be sure to check spelling and grammar, not that I can do better xD
Anyways, great job once again, congrats on ending your story, and GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR OTHER WRITING PLANS! 3
~LoZ4Life
4/30/2010 c12 2Nirazilaa
Oh! :D A sequel sounds awesome! You left us with so many questions like if Will's going to go crazy or something, if Volkner's going to kill Flint, and... well, what Operation Devastate is to make Saturn try and seduce a girl.
It's awesome that Koga saved Will. YAY NINJAS!
Flint deserves to be called a creepy happy clown with the afro and flip-flops. Now when I go to the Elite Four, I'll kill myself at Will and massacre Flint. ^^
Dr. Crazy was funny. He seemed so evil in the past chapters, but... now it's easy to laugh at him.
2NirazilaaOh! :D A sequel sounds awesome! You left us with so many questions like if Will's going to go crazy or something, if Volkner's going to kill Flint, and... well, what Operation Devastate is to make Saturn try and seduce a girl.
It's awesome that Koga saved Will. YAY NINJAS!
Flint deserves to be called a creepy happy clown with the afro and flip-flops. Now when I go to the Elite Four, I'll kill myself at Will and massacre Flint. ^^
Dr. Crazy was funny. He seemed so evil in the past chapters, but... now it's easy to laugh at him.
4/30/2010 c12 5winterkitten
VOLKNER LIVED! Yay. Though the part "Dr Crazy took out a knife and brought it down" could use a little rephrasing. It's...blandish, unlike the rest of the section which is pretty action-packed. You could try lengthening it a bit and adding morbid description.
I kinda thing Lance is going to invite Volkner to join the Johto Elite Four or something. Maybe the 'opening' refers to Will being unable to battle 'cus he's in critical care and all. I hope Flint feels guilty.
If that's the case, I hope Volkner agrees. And then I hope Flint feels even guiltier. Since I can't go all sadistic on Volkner now (he's just so...pitiable *sob*), I shall make do with hoping that Flint's life becomes miserable.
Hmm, Operation Devastate involves MORE than electrocuting Volkner? Maybe they're going to do the same thing with the replacement Gym Leader? Or are they going to blow up the Gym while the replacement is gone or something?
Please keep writing, kay? This is a good story and I really want to know what Operation Devastate means. :)
5winterkittenVOLKNER LIVED! Yay. Though the part "Dr Crazy took out a knife and brought it down" could use a little rephrasing. It's...blandish, unlike the rest of the section which is pretty action-packed. You could try lengthening it a bit and adding morbid description.
I kinda thing Lance is going to invite Volkner to join the Johto Elite Four or something. Maybe the 'opening' refers to Will being unable to battle 'cus he's in critical care and all. I hope Flint feels guilty.
If that's the case, I hope Volkner agrees. And then I hope Flint feels even guiltier. Since I can't go all sadistic on Volkner now (he's just so...pitiable *sob*), I shall make do with hoping that Flint's life becomes miserable.
Hmm, Operation Devastate involves MORE than electrocuting Volkner? Maybe they're going to do the same thing with the replacement Gym Leader? Or are they going to blow up the Gym while the replacement is gone or something?
Please keep writing, kay? This is a good story and I really want to know what Operation Devastate means. :)
4/29/2010 c12 5Poopsie
...and now I absolutely HAVE to know what Operation Devestate is... And how Volkner's doing, of course! xD This chapter was great, very action-y and such, and I can't wait fo rthe next one! :3
5Poopsie...and now I absolutely HAVE to know what Operation Devestate is... And how Volkner's doing, of course! xD This chapter was great, very action-y and such, and I can't wait fo rthe next one! :3
4/29/2010 c12 75Rikkamaru
the thing i like about fics that hurt my favorite characters is that after they're injured the people who dislike them realize how much they actually care for them, even if a little. i'd like to know how the others feel about Will and Volkner in the hospital. please update soon.
ja ne!
75Rikkamaruthe thing i like about fics that hurt my favorite characters is that after they're injured the people who dislike them realize how much they actually care for them, even if a little. i'd like to know how the others feel about Will and Volkner in the hospital. please update soon.
ja ne!