for v1 Close your eyes, Open your Heart11/13/2009 c6 
16Akizakura202
Hola! And you're welcome! :D It was very easy to follow, I don't quite understand how it was supposed to be confusing XP You didn't even need to include "Sora's POV" and "Reina's POV," it would've been perfectly fine.
RoxasXReina, would've been awesome-possum with a smidgen more embellishment, if you were truly going for a romantic moment :) Such as the feelings they are having, perhaps knotting of the stomach or suffusion coming to the cheek, etc. Romantic scenes tend to have less talking compared to the action ;)
On that note (dialogue, I mean), there were sine instances in which grammar was used incorrectly, as far as punctuation goes. It was quite prevalent in the beginning where in the second part of a dialogue, the beginning part should have been lower-cased, but was not. An example would be: “See, Pin here was just on his was way to the Imperial army,” Mushu explained eagerly, “We gotta find recruits at our training camp.”
It should have been: "See, Ping was here was just on his way to join the Imperial Army," Mushu explained eagerly, "we gotta find recruits at out training camp." (Actually, now that I think of it, it would be better if after "Mushu explained eagerly" you had a period.
I don't think I need to explain this one in detail like that, but there were some instances where you accidentally put a period right before "Donald said" or something of the like-even with an ellipse before that, there ought to be a comma afterwards. I won't insult you by adding an example, for you did get that right on occassion :P
Okay, I think that's it . . . RoxasXReina was very sweet, but like I said, it could've used a little bit more embellishment. Dialogue is definitely useful, but it can use a little "meat" around it to make it better, so long as it flows :)
Can't wait for the next one! :D Good work, and valedictions!
16Akizakura202Hola! And you're welcome! :D It was very easy to follow, I don't quite understand how it was supposed to be confusing XP You didn't even need to include "Sora's POV" and "Reina's POV," it would've been perfectly fine.
RoxasXReina, would've been awesome-possum with a smidgen more embellishment, if you were truly going for a romantic moment :) Such as the feelings they are having, perhaps knotting of the stomach or suffusion coming to the cheek, etc. Romantic scenes tend to have less talking compared to the action ;)
On that note (dialogue, I mean), there were sine instances in which grammar was used incorrectly, as far as punctuation goes. It was quite prevalent in the beginning where in the second part of a dialogue, the beginning part should have been lower-cased, but was not. An example would be: “See, Pin here was just on his was way to the Imperial army,” Mushu explained eagerly, “We gotta find recruits at our training camp.”
It should have been: "See, Ping was here was just on his way to join the Imperial Army," Mushu explained eagerly, "we gotta find recruits at out training camp." (Actually, now that I think of it, it would be better if after "Mushu explained eagerly" you had a period.
I don't think I need to explain this one in detail like that, but there were some instances where you accidentally put a period right before "Donald said" or something of the like-even with an ellipse before that, there ought to be a comma afterwards. I won't insult you by adding an example, for you did get that right on occassion :P
Okay, I think that's it . . . RoxasXReina was very sweet, but like I said, it could've used a little bit more embellishment. Dialogue is definitely useful, but it can use a little "meat" around it to make it better, so long as it flows :)
Can't wait for the next one! :D Good work, and valedictions!
11/3/2009 c5 16Akizakura202
Heya! I liked the chapter; however there were some points that could have done well with some embellishment, or where the longer sentences may have flowed better being separated by punctuation other than the occassional period. It should've been more prevalent around the dialogue; it seemed you struggled with this more in the regions of cut scenes. Study the actions and expressions more when rewatching them (or be a nerd like me and record everything on paper! :D)
At that point where the Orginization XI member is talking to Reina and Sora by the Bailey, it seems you had the guy as Axel . . . in reality, it's supposed to be Xigbar XP Xigbar doesn't say "Got it memorized?"
Saying that, I liked it :D! You caught Sora's teasing nature in KHII quite well, and I am interested in discovering what happens with Reina. IT seems like, instead of making Roxas disappear into Sora, you had him a part of the Orginization again, instead! Quite interesting :)
Can't wait to find everything out, so please, update soon!
16Akizakura202Heya! I liked the chapter; however there were some points that could have done well with some embellishment, or where the longer sentences may have flowed better being separated by punctuation other than the occassional period. It should've been more prevalent around the dialogue; it seemed you struggled with this more in the regions of cut scenes. Study the actions and expressions more when rewatching them (or be a nerd like me and record everything on paper! :D)
At that point where the Orginization XI member is talking to Reina and Sora by the Bailey, it seems you had the guy as Axel . . . in reality, it's supposed to be Xigbar XP Xigbar doesn't say "Got it memorized?"
Saying that, I liked it :D! You caught Sora's teasing nature in KHII quite well, and I am interested in discovering what happens with Reina. IT seems like, instead of making Roxas disappear into Sora, you had him a part of the Orginization again, instead! Quite interesting :)
Can't wait to find everything out, so please, update soon!
11/3/2009 c5 4Yuuko Aosagibi
...Um...I think you might want to go back and edit this chapter because some one might report it for using 2 person point of view... Other than that, the chapter was great! Update soon!
4Yuuko Aosagibi...Um...I think you might want to go back and edit this chapter because some one might report it for using 2 person point of view... Other than that, the chapter was great! Update soon!
10/18/2009 c4 16Akizakura202
Hola :D Yeah, the chapter was minutely boring, but not fatally, so it's all good :D Looking forward to the next chapter!
So to clarify, the Heartseeker is given to the person with the purest of purest hearts? And the Orginization wants it, for some reason . . . ? Or did you specify that *sweat drop*
16Akizakura202Hola :D Yeah, the chapter was minutely boring, but not fatally, so it's all good :D Looking forward to the next chapter!
So to clarify, the Heartseeker is given to the person with the purest of purest hearts? And the Orginization wants it, for some reason . . . ? Or did you specify that *sweat drop*
10/17/2009 c4 4Yuuko Aosagibi
This chapter is pretty good! even though the fighting scenes seemed just a smiged rushed, it was good anyways. Update soon!
4Yuuko AosagibiThis chapter is pretty good! even though the fighting scenes seemed just a smiged rushed, it was good anyways. Update soon!
10/17/2009 c4 3XRarityoftearsX
OMG thanks for mention me! I loved this! Update soon! And by soon, I mean NOW.
3XRarityoftearsXOMG thanks for mention me! I loved this! Update soon! And by soon, I mean NOW.
10/5/2009 c3 16Akizakura202
Hello :D This is a nice series, thus far, I look forward to reading more. There were a few spelling and grammar errors, like I think at one point "figure" was written instead of "finger" in chapter . . . two? *shrugs* Update soon :)
16Akizakura202Hello :D This is a nice series, thus far, I look forward to reading more. There were a few spelling and grammar errors, like I think at one point "figure" was written instead of "finger" in chapter . . . two? *shrugs* Update soon :)