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for The Mysteries of the Chaos Emeralds

8/27/2014 c5 84CodeLyoko
First off, I love the how intricately you write, the words seems to be exactly where they are and is a great refresh from some of the other fanfics I tried and failed to read. I like how Sonic is actually denying his feelings, and I am highly interested in the true purpose of the Emeralds. I sincerely hope that you are able to continue with this fic, and I'm really enjoying it. However I understand the problem of writing and then losing interest, it happens to all of us and I'm guilty of that. I only hope that you, unlike I, can push past that and bring us a new chapter Thank you!
10/31/2009 c5 2SonicGurl
Awesome so far! uh oh, I hope that Shadow won't be beated in the next fight against Meatl Sonic...
10/31/2009 c5 6Genesis.BlazingShadow
The

The

The

The

The

The

The

I won't be anal about the chapter, but the most obvious flaw with it is the repetitive use of "the" at the beginning of every other paragraph.

Other than that, very fun chapter to read!

Keep writing!
10/27/2009 c4 Genesis.BlazingShadow
The ebony hedgehog nodded in agreement, they could not let the Chaos Emeralds fall into Eggman’s hands.

I hate semi-colons, but I am almost 100% certain one is used here between agreement and they because the "they" clause branches off from the original statement.

The blue hedgehog was the first to break the comfortable silence, they both were content when they raced like this.

same thing between silence and they.

...type of unspoken bond. “Hey, Shadow.” Voice, louder than his usual pitch...

If I remember the rule correctly, you need a comma before the quotation marks in order to signify dialogue. Otherwise, you're just quoting something. Also, you need a comma before the ending quotation mark instead of a period if description follows after the dialogue.

It should read

...type of unspoken bond.

"Hey, Shadow," the hedgehog's voice louder than his usual pitch...

something like that.

The blue one grinned and leaned forward. “Leave the metal copy to me.” He picked up speed rushing ahead of Shadow. “You go get the Chaos Emerald.” Sonic shouted back as he trailed after Metal Sonic.

You couldn't think of anything better for Sonic to say than "Leave the metal copy to me." ?

How about "Leave bolts-for-brains to me, you go get the chaos emerald!"

Come on, you have to remain somewhat in character when typing and writing about the usual in-game/comic bravado.

"and… a little something else, it gave him butterflies" a little too obvious. Slow it down just a bit.

Be careful with excessive cussing... some of it, added at the right time, can be beneficial to the story, but alot of the time it simply takes away from the "art".

Saying "shit" out of the blue and not for comedic purpose or for an extreme situation where someone could relate to a child's character and forgive them for throwing mild language into the open like that is... literally like painting a picture and throwing a lump of shit onto the canvas. No one wants to see that, I don't care how awesome of a painter you are.

“At least I tried to slow him down. You just completely failed to obtain the Chaos Emerald before he did.”

I cannot tell who is saying this without reading the entire paragraph again. Like I said above, you need to talk in-character when writing dialogue for Sonic... same goes for Cream, Tails, Shadow, all of them... though Shadow is the hardest (or easiest) because he has such a... vague personality.

"Sonikku!” No offense, but... THIS AIN'T JAPAN, BITCH!

Sorry. I was quoting a friend of mine who was talking to another friend of mine... about reading manga and dying her hair different colors and whatnot. I think Conan O'Brien could use that line sometime on his show, lol.

Personally, I absolutely despise it when people use "Sonikku!" from the cartoon series and japanese versions of the games... no fun. That's like someone speaking spanglish where I live (which is common) but like 2 grades better.

I get it they think it's cool to throw out english/american curses and sayings in their cartoons, but we are NOT obligated to reciprocate that sort of behavior.

“Oh my Sonic, you’re really hurt she extended her hand to him like she was willing to help. “Let me help...

I think the problem with this part is fairly obvious... I suggest you edit this chapter soon.

“Who knows. The usual probably.” He turned toward the door, actually...

I'm going to stop being anal about the grammar because it takes away from the fun of this review, but you need a comma after usual and a comma instead of a period after probably... OR you need to push the 'He turned toward...' section into a new paragraph.

“It was my pleasure Sonic.”

I lied. Come on! that's the most basic comma rule!

~*~

There is a line/space divider button to use when publishing... it took me a month or so to discover it, lol, so I thought you might want to know sooner.

You can use those dividers, it doesn't bother me, but I'm just putting it out there so you know.

'plutonic'

Platonic? Plutonic has to do with deep origin or literally old, deep rocks.

Now for the fun part.

I did like the chapter, I must admit. You are pretty good at writing fight scenes, I'll give you that.

Waiting for the next chapter... I wonder where the story is headed :P

Keep writing!
10/27/2009 c4 polite resque
can ya make the next chapter sonic gets shadow and tails

as his stepbrothers?

make sonic and amy,shadow and mina more romancing,not just a stupid crush.

in the epilog make

sonic marry amy,shadow marry mina,tails dates cream.

and the family.

pleaase

:)
10/12/2009 c3 9ShidesuHejjihoggu
I know what Sonic's secret is!~ He's gay, isn't he?

I can tell this might be Knuxouge, but is it also gonna be Sonadow?

Shadow WAS thinking the right thing by shattering the Master Emerald, but I think Knuckles overreacted a bit. Still, good story, great plot.

Can't wait to see the rest of the story, update soon!
10/8/2009 c3 6Genesis.BlazingShadow
'elder brother' seems a little out of place. There's nothing incorrect about it, but I think 'older brother' would suffice.

you said 'robotosize'... Domo Origato? I think the accepted spelling is 'roboticize'

'He was a hero, the world came first, and relationships… well the blue blur didn’t really have time for them. No, that was just another excuse. The hero of Mobius had a secret, a secret only he knew and was extremely afraid of admitting even to himself'

For Chapter 1's title, you mispelled Prologue...

omg... you mean he had an accident and got his crotch roboticized! *GASP*

Alright, that was entertaining.

Keep writing!
10/7/2009 c3 10DC111
I received your message about my last review. I see your reasoning, and that does make sense. I suppose since that was a prologue, it makes sense for it to be a little vague; most prologues are. And like you said, your first chapter DID bring in the excitement factor I had been looking for. However, I have to say that I liked the way you wrote in the prologue better than in this.. that'll explain itself below, though.

Chapter 1 stuff:

Sixth or so paragraph down, when Shadow says Chaos Blast... the squiggle after 'Chaos' sort of bugs me (whatever you call that thing). I can see that it is supposed to signify a pause in speech, but that particular symbol isn't one that's really used in writing. I would replace it with a set of three periods, two hyphens, or just a comma.

There's a few lines I want to pick out of this chapter, too. Let's start with this:

'He determined quickly, that if the azure hedgehog had not escaped yet than he was either very stupid or maybe he really could not break free on his own, he opted both to be true.'

Very good and sort of bad at the same time. On one hand, I loved it because of that last part; great way to finish the thought and spice things up with a little humor. On the flip side, the way it was typed seems... awkward. You don't need the comma after quickly, and to me, the 'maybe' is unnecessary. Also, it's something of a run-on and probably should have been two sentences. And 'than' should be 'then.'

This is the way I would have wrote it; take from it what you will.

'He determined quickly that if the azure hedgehog had not escaped yet then he was either very stupid or he really could not break free on his own. He opted both to be true.'

This, on the other hand, reads excellent:

'Sonic took on a cocky appearance, resting his weight to one side and placing a hand on his hip. He raised the other hand in a nonchalant way as to try to dismiss the other’s comments. His emerald eyes copied the other’s glare.'

Great description of the blue blur here. I can picture him shifting his weight and lifting a hand in dismissal. I can picture that cocky grin. I can picture the color in his eyes. Why? Because it was all described, of course, and in a very fluent way might I add. I also just love the word 'nonchalant.' Awesome word, that.

Overall for this chapter: there are several run on sentences. You use too many commas and not quite enough periods. There are a few typos here and there (i.e. 'your' when it should have been 'you're' or vice-versa, and similar instances). But it has shining moments, moments where I can tell you're a MUCH better writer than the errors and awkwardness you sometimes portray yourself as. It looks good so far; it just could have been cleaned up a little.

Chapter 2 stuff:

The first paragraph is nice. Save for one thing:

'As young as the small fox was, Tails lived here on his own for the most part, but more frequently then not Sonic came to visit and stayed there over night to keep him company.'

THEN should be THAN. 'Then' is used when a sequence of events is occuring (example: Sonic did this, THEN he did this). 'Than' is used when comparing things... in this case, the frequency that Sonic visits Tails compared to when he DOESN'T visit Tails. 'More frequently than not.' If you have trouble differentiating, copy and paste this review into Word (or whatever you use) and save it for future reference. ;)

Did you notice I spelled 'occurring' wrong in the above paragraph? Haha, sorry, I like doing that to people.

"Did you think perhaps Shadow’s working for Eggman again?"

I like the 'perhaps.' Sounds just like Tails to word his sentence in such a smart-sounding way. I also like how in the next paragraph, you say that Sonic changed the subject to 'avoid further damage to his ego.' Your characterization is nice so far.

'Tails smirked. “Thinking about ruining Eggman’s fun?” Tails asked curiously, he hadn’t seen Sonic grin quite so wide, it was almost freaky to look at.'

Another run-on here. The sentence after Tails's quote, I mean. Imagine reading it as if the first comma was a period and the second comma was a semicolon. A little more pleasant?

Commas are your friends, but when you abuse your friends they probably won't want to continue to be... ;)

Let's see here... you continue to keep them in character throughout this chapter, right down to Sonic's fear of water. I'm actually very interested in how the romance aspect of this story will go. I have yet to read a Sonadow story with both of them reasonably in-character; perhaps this story will give me that pleasure. If things keep going as they are, I think it'll turn out pretty good. You'll know immediately if they don't, as I'm incredibly picky when it comes to characterization. Managing to accomplish that with a romantic relationship will be quite a challenge, so make sure you keep a grasp on their personalities.

Still on the subject of good characterization... I also wanted to tell you to make sure you keep the individual aspects of their personalities balanced. For example, Sonic's got an ego as big as Angel Island (which you manage to capture quite well) and is very cocky and daring. At the same time, however, he's also a pretty caring guy, and genuinely wants to help others. Characters are not black and white, and it's your job as an author to make them BELIEVABLE. Thus far, you've done a good job - but I've read Sonic fiction for a lot of years, so I know how things can turn out. Just wanted to get that in your head right from the start.

Hm... I think I've pretty much covered what I wanted to cover. Wow... that's probably more than enough, too! Sorry for leaving you a novel rather than a review, haha. Hopefully it comes in handy.

Sayonara for now!

~DC
10/7/2009 c2 DC111
AH! Don't warn readers about character deaths; they're supposed to find that out when it happens! A forewarning tends to keep people wondering who the hell is going to die... and many times, they're right, because there'll be little hints about it as you near the event (even if you don't realize it).

Anyway... I agree about author notes. Concise and to the point. But that's hypocritical coming from me, as my own notes tend to be pretty long most of the time. Heh. Oh well.

...Er. I have to cut this off here. I meant for this review to be something helpful, but I realized I have to get going. When I finish reading this chapter and the next one, I'll review again with something more worthwhile... sorry 'bout that!

~DC
10/7/2009 c1 DC111
Personally, I enjoyed this prologue. I have a tendency to make the Chaos Emeralds a large part of my stories' plots, as well - they just interest me - and so naturally I was drawn into this.

But that's just me. This opening is decent, but not particularly attractive to the average reader. It's more of a long-winded explanation than the beginning of a plot. I do understand that explanation is necessary, especially when it comes to the Chaos Emeralds, because they ARE confusing. But unless there's a reason all of this had to be said now, it might have been a good idea to start things off with a scene that hooked the reader: something exciting or mysterious or interesting.

It's your story, though, and if you plan to leave it as it is, that's cool too. It's well-typed (save for the first non-italic line, where you put 'serves' instead of 'servers' but that's no big deal) and everything is intelligently said yet still understandable.

Not much else to say about this one, since it's just the prologue. On to the next part!

~DC
10/7/2009 c3 2SonicGurl
Awesome! I wonder wat Sonic's secret is... I have a hunch but hope thats not it. More plz! Im interested! :D
10/5/2009 c2 SonicGurl
Thats so freaking awesome! plz, update! I want to know wat happens next! DX
9/26/2009 c1 6Genesis.BlazingShadow
That's interesting.

If you know anything about the comic books... you know that there are not just seven emeralds, but many emeralds and similar gems.

That's never been incorporated into the games, unless you count the one with Blaze the Cat and the seven Sol Emeralds.

To me, it seems the master emerald's power is finite... more finite than the seven smaller emeralds since all it has been used for is to nullify the seven emeralds... it also has a mind, or minds, of its own, as demonstrated in Sonic Adventure 1.

More powerful than any solar system... i dunno, Super Man does well with sunlight :P

Good start... try to produce a plot in the next chapter.

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