Just In
Community
Forum
V
More
for The Senator's Secret

12/12/2009 c1 61ArwenMUC
Interesting story...and I have to say that it's well written, too :)
11/21/2009 c1 12Magus1108
Not a bad one-shot. Pretty good.
11/18/2009 c1 1LL
"Being formal does not mean that you have to use a SAT word in every sentence. Use it when it sounds appropriate, but don't force them."

Yeah. What he said.

If you have more than one adjective every other sentence or so, your prose starts to sound wordy and hard to read.

Other than that, nice little Palpy vignette.
11/18/2009 c1 18What-Ansketil-Did-Next
Cute. I can just imagine him carefully checking at nobody's looking and then his face splitting into an evil grin. *g*
10/25/2009 c1 15mysticLegend11
Huh. Very interesting. Your writing is, as I would say, a paradox. How so?

Pros: very professional tone, very in-tune to the SW universe, impressive use of high-level and formal diction

Cons: plot holes, boring two first paragraphs

This is one rule that always seems to work well even though not everyone uses it: never start your story with merely description. Don't get me wrong; it can be descriptive, but it has to be events and action laced with descriptive exposition. Imagery and high-level diction work best when the reader is most engaged in the story, and that's almost never during the first two paragraphs. By starting with description, it makes the story boring and draggy from the very beginning.

This would be a better place to start:

Of the trillion citizens that constituted Coruscant's vast population, not a single soul was present on this particular block, on this particular day. The vicinity was uncannily empty, appearing as barren and deserted as the Jundland Wastes of Tatooine.

Odd, Palpatine mused, though he dismissed... etc etc.

Compare the two entry points and compare which one engages the reader better. Remember, the first two paragraphs are crucial to hooking the reader.

As with plot, some things hit me as rather strange or out-of-place.

1. Why is Palpatine walking on foot? Wouldn't it make a lot more sense for him to be escorted through on of those fancy skyliner ships?

2. Why is he alone? Someone as important as a senator (especially going to a very important meeting in a very important buidling) would have attendants and bodyguards doting all over him.

3. Why do you call him Palpatine? Wouldn't it make more sense to call him by his proper name? As he is taking the guise of a senator, is he not?

Otherwise, your prose has gotten much much better. Your references to the SW universe gives it a very authentic touch: "Jundland Wastes of Tatooine... Kajain’sa’Nikto... ryll." And you are no longer using "gooey" and "viscosity" in the same sentence. However, there are still some places where you are trying to sound smart but not really working:

Surmounted in "gallantly surmounted above the rest" sounds rather strange.

transpired in "that had just transpired." Little overkill.

Being formal does not mean that you have to use a SAT word in every sentence. Use it when it sounds appropriate, but don't force them.
10/15/2009 c1 sodorland
Palpatine is one of the most intriguing characters in Star Wars, I am glad that you wrote this story to explore his life as a senator.

Desktop Mode . Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service