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for Fool In The Rain

11/11/2010 c2 1ReploidCat
I actually want to see this continued, is this even going to be continued since it's been 10 months.
2/4/2010 c2 10R. Controversy
As promised, I have given this fic a more thorough re-reading, with an eye towards constructive criticism.

To begin right away, while your command of vocabulary is solid, your usage is unsteady. At times you hit on something incredibly smooth, and at others you lapse into uncalled for verbosity. Let me illustrate with some specific examples.

"Or so you would think, but the sky was a maudlin chrome plane parallel to the land below, with clouds tall and wide, obstructing the great Helios from his role of warming the land and whisking away the agents of winter, leaving the world in a state of transition. Cold has held the grounds long enough, and is drifting, slowly replaced by the warmth that is yet to wax full." -Chapter 1, Paragraph 2

There are a few problems here. The first is that maudlin describes weak, childish sentimentality and carries the connotation of having lost one's senses. Now this is certainly an interesting thread, and if you went on to explore this notion of 'sentimentality' in the environment further, you could have something tight, but as it stands you mix it into an otherwise physical description of the cloud cover.

The second is the use of 'chrome', which while certainly evoking 'grey' also very distinctly evokes metallic shine. It doesn't really suit clouds. The bit from 'obstructing the great Helios...' onward is very poetic in nature, but seems rather unnecessary.

This brings me to a general assertion: whenever you are choosing your words, think about what you want the sentences to tell us. Now certainly utility is not the only consideration, one wants a measure of elegance in the presentation, but this can become overbearing, especially when the sentence does not serve to tell us many unique things. For all the poetry of that segment, you only ended up telling us that it has remained cool because of the cloud cover. You could have just given us the following:

"...tall and wide, shielding the last traces of winter from the sun's warmth."

Or something similar, saving you and your reader considerable effort while losing nothing of value. It would be worthwhile, with this in mind, to review your writing and check for other such long-winded stretches.

Conversely, as I said, you have moments of real precision, moments you should strive to make your name.

"In Kouyuen garments and a glass state of mind, she steps through the park, a black book bag in her left hand."

-Chapter 1, Paragraph 3, Sentence 1

Look at that. Wow. 'A glass state of mind' is a great turn of phrase. Unlike the previous segment I dissected where you said little in many words, with this you convey multiple meanings. First, it carries the weight of the meaning of the object glass: transparent and rigid. She is similarly in a place of clarity, but lacks the freedom or openness one might associate with 'airy' clarity. Then there's the meaning of 'glass' as it refers to a water surface, perfectly placid and unmoving. So we also learn she's feeling very laid back, unaffected by the world. That was just a very strong word choice all around.

There are other places where it is not so much phrasing as a whole, but just individual word choices that seem awkward.

"Rumbling transmitted out in the distant end of the track."

-Chapter 1, Paragraph 12, Sentence 1.

'Transmit' is a word with some specificity. It carries implications of signal or energy, often actively passed from a specific source to a specific receiver. What you're describing, the rumbling of an approaching train, is nothing so direct or precise. Additionally, while it's technically correct, 'distant' doesn't really feel right when describing a bounded object nearby. Generally you describe the boundary away from one's self as the 'far' end. So, tightening it might lead you to...

"Rumbling resounded from the far end of the track."

In some places, you have words with unnecessary qualifiers.

"She was mildly surprised by his mood of levity."

-Chapter 1, Paragraph 22, Sentence 1.

Mood isn't really needed. You could just say '...by his levity' here. This also solves the redundancy problem present with two uses of 'his mood' so close together. Speaking of redundancy...

"And as she entered the front entrance of her own school, a very stupid looking boy walked nearby, muttering angrily to himself."

-Chapter 1, Paragraph 51

'Entered the entrance' is problematic. Either you'll want to change the verb or the object. Keep in mind that redundancy is more than just repeating exact words.

While I've included specific examples, I think you're savvy enough that if you take any of these critiques to heart, you will be able to spot other examples of the key issues raised doing your own proofreading.

Hope this is helpful!
1/26/2010 c2 Brendan Rizzo
Okay then, this is moving far beyond the scope of what the original dare was, but I am perfectly fine with that, since so much time has passed. I was confused for a while, until I realized that this takes place before Novel 9. You seem to be doing a good job with not portraying the Anti-SOS Brigade as evil, unlike a lot of other fics including them. Well, good luck.
1/25/2010 c2 4MCK Agent of Moriya
This is still interesting. There's not much to say about this chapter because this is just one of those "Set up" Chapters that you go through before you get to the meat. Still, good job.
1/25/2010 c2 mafalda157
Oh, very interesting. If you're trying to write something different, I'm pretty sure you're succeeding. Just the pairing is unique enough. Can't wait to see the SOS brigade through Sasaki's eyes and her thoughts on Haruhi. Her point of view is very subdued but preceptive, and it makes this fun to read.

Also looking forward to some more interaction with Itsuki! :D The first chapter wasn't nearly enough.
1/22/2010 c1 devious-sos

Great start. One of a kind like you say.

1st chappie is pretty good, I like the slow start.

Great description too.
1/22/2010 c2 Alrich431
pretty good so far, not alot is happening but i dont expect it to in the first few chapters. anyway looking forward to read the rest.
1/22/2010 c2 29superstarultra
A very promising start to a unique fic. Not that many stories (I'm pretty sure this is the first I've read) talk about Sasaki and her crew by themselves, when Kyon isn't interacting with them.

So, you're a trail-blazer! :D

I know you asked me to beta, and I appreciate it that you did. It was a very fun honor to do this. Seeing the ASOS talk to one another was pretty entertaining, and I thought the humor and serious pieces were well-done. Looking forward to the next part. :)
12/13/2009 c1 8The Hidden Lostar
Curiosity killed the cat.

I notice your name in just about every halfway decent Haruhi-related story out there.

A Sasaki x Itsuki fic would actually be an extremely difficult challenge. You'd have to be armed to the teeth with philosophical conversations and the like if you were thinking of nailing their characters down to a science... they'd probably wind up debating up a storm before they wind up falling for each other... at least that's how I see it.

Book Nine brought some lovely people to the table eh? My favorite of the bunch would probably have to be Kuyoh, who appears in the story I'm currently working on.

But anyways, I like where this is going. The book nine cast needs more representation in these parts!
11/2/2009 c1 Brendan Rizzo
Nice. I wanna see where this goes. (And I think you did use Sasaki's name once in the fic, btw.)

"The only winning move is not to play."

-JOSHUA, from War Games
11/2/2009 c1 4BananasForMonkeys
Heyy this is an awsome pair and I love your writing! Kyon once even said himself that he though Sasuki and Itsuki would get along well, so this is definatly an awsome and maybe even possible pair!
11/1/2009 c1 4MCK Agent of Moriya
I was just thinking that ItsuSasa would be a great pairing becauce their both philosophical and smart. Seriously i think that ItsuSasa makes more sence than KyonHaru or KyonYuki. Keep up the good work
11/1/2009 c1 29superstarultra
Nice start! I always kind of thought these two went along nice together. And I didn't see any slipups. I'll be sure to keep track of this one!

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