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for Sam The Andorian

8/24/2017 c2 13Ganheim
Chapter 8
Beckett." Al slapped
[Source Mixing. Also, when you have a character enter a scene, you need to describe it. Moreso if they’re going to be active participants. If they’re there from the start, we need an indication they were there as close to the scene opening as possible so it’s not a sudden character spawn]

being careful to bypass the International Space Station and the Hubble telescope
[Smart. Except for the other 10.000 telescopes scanning the sky every day – I know “stealth” may be a needed part of this story, but hiding behind the moon might’ve been better. “There Ain’t No Stealth in Space” on Atomic Rocket website goes over some of the problems]

Green and Bele
[What would they do against Bele?]

J'naii, who was either one or the other
[Gorn or Tellarite? You describe both as female, so species is the only difference to be ‘either’]

Chapter 9
swear that was a Klingon warship from Star Trek
[I believe you have to be wearing a red mask to refer to yourself in your own media]

The Constellation crew did not know that much about Commissioner Bele's
[Then how could they hope to defend against him?]

Chapter 10
they think that they are going up against primitive twenty-first century security forces
[Hopefully they’re given better small-arms tactics than most klingons and TV villains]

one each for Kuwait and Pakistan
[Not specific cities like ALL the other targets mentioned. I don’t care how big those bombs are supposed to be, they’re not going to level a nation as big as pakistan]

Chapter 11
Sam's Quantum Leap Security forces
[They did show american marines there in one episode, they probably don’t have private security]

The Federation forces picked
[Action scenes are enhanced by short sentences and short paragraphs, you want to do a minimum of backstory and description that doesn’t directly propel the scene. You have a dense paragraph and a block of not only Telling but backstory here that slows down your action and implies there’s no threat or tension]

Lursa snapped irritably. Once Bele had finished
[Oh, how surprising. A whispered exchange that ALL present characters have to understand for the scenes to make any sense, but the audience gets none of. How I hate that cliché. It’s even strained when it’s a ‘plan cut-off by commercial break’]

—" Tola began. She was cut off
[Source Mixing. Also, that long hyphen indicates a cut-off on its own, you don’t need to tell us again. Just jump to what does the cutting off]

and killed the colonel
[How, signing him to death?]

Vickers suddenly found
[passive phrasing starting up a very dense paragraph that should’ve been a space action scene]

Quantum Leap is a story ripe for fish-out-of-water tales, but this steps into Telling too readily. Concrete specific details could’ve made a fascinating set of scenes, but I think you were distracted by the backstories you made for your own characters. It’s good for a writer to do those things, but a lot of our work never makes it onto the page that readers read, it’s to help us make consistent stories.
8/24/2017 c1 Ganheim
from invading Earth
[I don’t understand how this is the first thought he has]

paused for a momentand

Chapter 2
Tola was gazing
[passive. “Tola gazed” gets across the same point in fewer words and is more active]

I do believe what you are telling me is true
[Some repetition can occur, but even though this is the next paragraph it’s the very next sentence from you telling us in narrative]

Captain Picard will have to be let in on this
[The later point I think is valid: why would Picard need to be told (right away) when more immediate superiors might be able to come up with a solution that doesn’t require distracting them with this?]

small violation of the non-interference directive
[The prime directive refers to non-interference in developing foreign powers, not people joining the Federation. I think what you want is just the uniform code, which across every (Earth) culture still strips away individual elements for various reasons (imply cohesion to enemies and disparate members both, improve discipline through indications of a standard ALL have to live to, etc). Still doesn’t mean that bending the rules can’t happen or Worf would never wear his bandolier/sash]

never leaped into a genuine space alien telepath before
[The problem is that telepathy tends to be biologically based, and because he replaces the person he leaps into he shouldn’t have telepathy himself, Tola would (and she’d just pick up Al if her range is limited as I suspect). I suspect this is a tool to push forward, but it’s a possibility that jumped out at me]

and also knows that your bed doesn't have a headboard
[How would the doctor know that when Alice did not? He didn’t immediately say “wait, our bed doesn’t have that”]

Chapter 3
they were interrupted by Tola's com badge
[Concise, though it might’ve been more effective to Show us the quick line and description of Worf’s voice]

suddenly got the impression
[Adverbs are like many spices: they have their place, but are best used sparingly. The more there are, the more they’re likely to make the segment unpalatable]

escort these two to my ready room immediately
[They should be escorted to the nearest secure location. The ready room would seem too close to vital areas to count as such]

condition is terminal."
"You mean he's dying
[Some repetition is okay, but this is too much in close proximity for characters that should be educated]

Chapter 4
well-trained security guards behind them did not lower their pistols
[I was about to say they always lower them on the show, but then they would not be disciplined or well-trained like idiot TV villains sometimes require]

guards behind you are crack shots
[This is more threatening than Picard’s patterns. Yes, he’s facing unknown people, but for all he knows he has them at his whim and I don’t see how else he might feel pressured into making an uncharacteristic intimidation]

It was obvious that he had heard of him
[Telling. HOW would he know? There are facial/body expression signs]

twenty-third century archeologist...pass as a male Starfleet captain
[I don’t see how it would’ve taken that long]

they quite probably used the World Trade Center attacks as a diversionary tactic
[This could’ve fit in...if you added more information to tie that event into this story. That event’s part of our history, I don’t see how it naturally fits into Star Trek]

Riker grinned
[When did he enter the scene? At least his paragraph attribution came before his dialog]

they'd end up only able to travel during their own lifetimes
[Unless it allows counting for the point at which they enter the jump chamber. Even Sam could potentially leap into his ‘future’ if he would’ve lived that long]

be a part of an away team
[runon sentence. I have no idea what the latter half means]

Chapter 5
He realized that she could see him
[How? You’ve been doing quite a bit of Telling, but at some point you have to Show as well]

"Dad, is this some kind of sick joke
[Who said this? How? Was it Evans? The previous paragraph had an action from her, but a break to a new paragraph indicates a break to a new character]

observed the restoratiion

didn't get much packing done
[So they drink and talk but don’t have a bajoran funeral? Also, this section is a data dump about a redshirt who died before we got any characterization, and doesn’t (seem to) have any further impact on the plot. This slows down your story and discourages following along]

had died of the same disease
[Are we going to get a biography of every irrelevant pizza delivery boy to pop into the story? Conservation of Detail: Don’t throw out a bunch of information that doesn’t help you further your story. My rule is to do 2 things with every scene: develop character, advance the plot, and elaborate the setting/backstory. If you aren’t doing at least 2 of those 3, you’re hampering your scenes]

steepling them Vulcan-style
[vulcans have the same kinds of hands as humans, if it’s different than how humans do it you’ll have to describe]

Chapter 6
to replace the deceased security officer temporarily
[But he has none of the training, and everybody on the enterprise is (supposed to be) elites. Ignore wesley, nobody likes that little mary sue]

mutant strain...would take less time to incubate
[Why? Most diseases take days to incubate, the “dead in minutes” is a bad TV tool for writers who don’t know what poison is. A mutation is a destruction of genetic information which alters one or more aspects of the organism – read up on influenza. It mutates so quickly that 99 percent of the virus particles infected cells release are unviable, but also makes it MUCH harder for the immune system to create an effective set of antibodies for]

He learned that
They had also analyzed
Thornn discovered that
She informed them that
[passive Telling. Show us something once in a while or it’s more a summary than a story]

humans did not have the advantage of a lifetime of strict emotional control
[I know vulcans are sometimes depicted as Space Elves (a race of mary sues), but even implications of this rang false as early as ST:TOS]

She realized that she had been pumped full of
[When? How? Why? I’m starting to feel like things are flinging into the story...just because, and not because they naturally proceed together]

Chapter 7
when one of her alien doctors rang her door buzzer, she had been holding a glass of something called Tranya. Her Vulcan hand squeezed it so hard it shattered
[This is Showing, which is good. It’s out-of-sequence, but it’s a direct depiction of an event happening “on camera”]

consume fecal matter and terminate
[That’s about as doubtful as Teal’c telling another villain to procreate with herself, but I still think it’s funny]

Vulcan body went through the Pon Farr
[Telling. How? Does fire blossom through her joints? Stabbing pains accompany low (or high) tones? The colour pink inexplicably incite a need to kill?]

nebula class scout ship
leave that little ship floating around in space?"
[nebula class crews over seven hundred, Memory Alpha says with room for 9.000]

Vickers awoke
[Who is this? We need description. There’s a lot of time and place jumping, so clear description is that much more vital]

Quantum Leap facility in Afghanistan
[With THEIR power grid? Hahahaha!]

I heard one of the guards mention him
[That’s convenient]
I recall reading about him
[That’s MORE convenient. Even if Sam ends up curing cancer and negotiating peace in the Near East, there’s going to be plenty of people in the centuries that follow who don’t know/care about him. Just think about our history: how much do you know about King Edward the Third (who launched the ‘Hundred Years War’)? His right-hand man? And that’s a famous king, not a classified researcher]

Why aren't you dressed
[You never actually gave a description]
10/26/2013 c1 Val Hrd
So much fun to see a story taking Sam on board Picard's ship! I look forward to reading the next chapter...
8/24/2013 c1 35Timemidae
Ah! I love Quantum Leap. I don't have time to read this now, but I'm reminding myself to do so and I'm very excited.
7/30/2013 c5 2Ameha Kay
smurfette lol
7/30/2013 c4 Ameha Kay
wow! *bows*

7/30/2013 c3 Ameha Kay
great development, love the way it's going :)
6/28/2013 c1 Ameha Kay
interesting chapter, i like...a lot

great start

a couple of quabliles though...i don't ever see Sam automatically assuming that an alien race wants/intends to invade earth...or the morality comment he made

i doubt even Al would (and he's more likely to be paranoid)
5/23/2013 c8 Guest
The. Evil. Leaper. Isn't That. Bad!
5/23/2013 c7 Guest
Oh no
5/23/2013 c6 Guest
5/22/2013 c5 Guest
5/22/2013 c4 Guest
Do would I *hint hint*
5/22/2013 c3 Guest
5/22/2013 c2 Guest
Cute, realy
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