12/15/2009 c1 10Kuro Mitsu
Ok, the first thing I would recommend is to get a beta. You also need to make sure to use proper grammar and punctuation, and the sentences were a bit confusing as you didn't capitalize your first word of every sentence, and there were no commas or periods placed where they needed to be. Also, you might want to expand on the plot. The story seems interesting, but you need to work out the detail for the plot to give readers a better understanding of your story. This isn't meant to be negative, I'm trying to give you a helpful critique. There is a list of betas if you want to look through them and find the exact help you want. Good luck with the story!