FanFiction.Net
Just In
Community
Forum
V
More
for Safe In Your Arms

6/2/2013 c7 aoi.y.love.forward
ok! that was funny :)))) i loved it! i really hope that you will update soon :)
btw: sasuke and naruto are soooo honest in their mind :"
10/14/2011 c7 Peanutbaby86
update soon please...cant wait...;(
9/8/2011 c7 KyouyaxCloud
more sasunaru:D

for sasuke it is love at first sight*smirk*

but sadly he keep denial,

i'm sure, when itachi know his brother like a blond guy too, he will keep tease him*evil smile*
9/5/2011 c7 Sabrininha-chan
Hi!

I just read all the chapters, and the story is great so far!

Can't wait for more :)

Bye!
9/5/2011 c7 14Bebe-chii
this is awesome.please update more:)..
8/18/2010 c6 TechnoAngelprincess
this story is so hart warming cause boy get tease now boy get save and might have a new friend yaaaa can't wait un til the next chapper so will kiba be naruto frist love and friend or just friend
8/18/2010 c6 goodbyetothisstupidaccount
Hmmmm...I GUESS you are forgiven! lol! jk jk! I understand how u feel! From past experiance though cuz my mom already knows about my obsession! shes kool with it! XD

and my dad knows too but he's another story...-_- lol

jus update when u can and ill still read it! XD

~Nina
8/17/2010 c6 DarknekoKurai
I really love your story! My mom was and still is that way. :( it's sad. Anyway. I have really enjoyed what you have wrote so far. I hope you find a way to post!
5/31/2010 c2 10lovemahBF
aww poor Naruto!

i thought you did a MARVELOUS job at describing his panic.
5/31/2010 c1 lovemahBF
for one of your first stories i thought it was a very mysterious and well written beginning!

just one thing im concerned about...rape! just dont make it too brutal ne?

Gone To The Dogs is my second story! lol so im right there with ya!
3/27/2010 c5 7VennSync
Right. Okay. Lessee... first impressions? Wow. Well, why is this alley scene lasting for so long? Are you planning to have fifteen hundred chapters? I haven't even gotten a glimpse of the true plot yet. Let me see if I can help a little.

So far, there are certain areas where improvement is a possibility. First and foremost is grammar (yes, my dear, grammar). It's a sad day when a good idea is bogged down by poor mechanics and misused apostrophes. This chapter showed definite improvement, but I would recommend you to find a beta reader. It's difficult to pick up all those little errors by yourself.

Second is pacing. I feel like, as I read this, you're constantly writing on a caffeine high. This is a problem faced by many authors (I myself struggle with it on a daily basis). You simply KNOW what's going to happen and want to get there as quickly as possible. Just remember that while you may know what is going on (this story is a product of your imagination, after all), the reader is less informed. Work a little harder on establishing a setting and developing your characters. Try, also, to compress your chapters together. One scene should never last five chapters. I know this may confuse you-I basically just told you to slow down and speed up at once-but try to work towards concise and detailed segments that move the plot forward.

Thirdly, try not to switch POVs so much. I know that young authors find this appealing-the possibilities multiple points of view present are almost irresistable. But you must resist! Because refusing to do so, giving in to the hopping plot bunnies who whisper in your ear that it would be really COOL to balance so many characters on such a personal level, can lead only to confusion (on the part of the reader) and muddled development. Try picking a perspective and sticking with it. If you feel like you need to have the reader know what's going on in everyone's heads, use third-person omnescient. I, personally, try to stick to either third-person omnescient or first-person limited, but it's a personal preference.

Fourthly, and lastly, you need to think through your concept a little more. Right now I feel as if you have a basic idea of what you want to accomplish, but you're having trouble drawing this forward into an understandable plot. I have also struggled with this in the past. My best piece of advice on this tricky problem is to outline your chapters before you write them. If you know what you want to happen in each chapter, you can develop a plot more throughly and avoid the all-too common mistake of plot holes drilling their way through your fic until it resembles Swiss cheese. You can also help yourself determine the time and place for each thing that you want to happen, leading you to a more chronologically sound plot line.

This is good, for a first fanfiction. I assure you that I understand how hard writing is, and mean no insult in my evaluation. I hope that my criticism helps you to improve.

Sincerely,

~K. R. Ukido
3/27/2010 c4 VennSync
All right. First, um, why are random lines centered? That's rather annoying, to be honest. The spaces between the paragraphs are enough of a separation.

I like Kiba's character so far. Nice work there.

Try not to make random things appear out of nowhere. For example, I had no idea that there was a pile of trash in the middle of the alley.

I don't know if it's just me and my perceptions of Iruka, but wouldn't he DO SOMETHING about the bullying? I mean, in my mind, I see him storming into the alley and giving Sai a lecture he can't ignore. Also, WHY is Sai so bent on hurting Naruto? We still haven't been given a reason.

~K. R. Ukido
3/27/2010 c3 VennSync
Hm. Kiba to the rescue? Interesting choice. I would think Sasuke... no? I wonder where he is?

In any case, my best suggestion at this point is to make sure you read aloud what you've written to check for things like this: "He had steely black obsidian eyes while wearing tight black jeans and a tight black belly shirt (the shirt he usually wears) with black and white DC's." Now, what is wrong, you ask? Well, the wording makes it sound like Sai only has 'steely black obsidian eyes' (which, by the way, is a pleonasm-black and obsidian are the same color) when he's wearing this outfit. Try replacing 'while wearing' with 'and wore.' Or something along those lines.

See you.

~K. R. Ukido
3/27/2010 c2 VennSync
"Naruto! Stop trying to avoid the inedible!"

I'm sorry. I cracked up laughing. This is when spell check just doesn't help. I got this image of Naruto not wanting to go to school because the cafeteria food sucked so hard...

Anyway, I'm reserving total judgment until I reach your final chapter.

~K. R. Ukido
3/27/2010 c1 VennSync
Intriguing opening. You did, in fact, spell "Masashi Kishimoto" incorrectly, but you were close.

Are you sure that this is the epilogue? It seems more like a prologue to me...

Anyway, I'll keep reading. This has promise.

~K. R. Ukido
33 Page 1 .. Last Next »

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service