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1/24/2015 c1 HiraFrance
Oh yes, amazing, I still wet from reading you. Love it!
12/19/2014 c1 Savannah
Good story! Maybe you should get a beta though, quite a few spelling and grammar mistakes...
7/31/2014 c1 jeangary28
Hot story
6/27/2014 c1 Kristen
Hot as fuck! Awesome ;-)
6/14/2013 c1 LastNameClevver
Kind'f fucking LOVED It. Wayy HOTT. But in America its 18. just so u know.
5/28/2013 c1 Guest
It was incredible. Great piece of writing
3/3/2013 c1 Rolanda
That was so Hot.

I just cum like 4x. Me and my boyfriend thank you for giving us material to have fuck hot sex with.

So fucking hot.
2/15/2013 c1 hateme101
love it. you should continue like have another birthday party but for another character and have alice/charlie get together and do sexual things there
11/4/2012 c1 sarahlouise80
wow fab birthday
6/12/2012 c1 marveecorp
yes, I agree - best birthday gift ever from the Chief ;-)
4/15/2012 c1 wolf-form18
i like it. Great story
9/4/2011 c1 nicah35
i think that it was awesome! 3 keep up the good work
8/12/2011 c1 awesomeness
damn! that was just so sexy! my pussy is just dripping wet for Charlie's cock! i wish you write more stories like these! really wish I was Alice at that moment! ;) gosh, that story made me so horny! AMAZING! PLEASE WRITE MORE!
6/27/2011 c1 TheGoodNamesAreTaken
Okay, so even though this was described well and all, does NOT mean you wrote it correctly.

Shall I explain more?

This is going to be a long review due to the fact I am putting things I would change an corrections in it. Remember I am under age and didn't listen when you said 18+ No, no, I am thirteen. Now don't think me sick! I have never had sex! I just want to give you pointers. The reason I told you my age, is because you are.. what seventeen and a thirteen year old is correcting you? Not good! Back to reviewing!

Starting for the first sentence.

**Looking around the room[,] Alice let out a sigh[.] [H]er [seventeenth] (Always write the name of a number, if under one hundred) birthday was happening[,] everyone was in costume and masks had stayed in place (The end of this sentence does NOT make sense). Only she[,] Alice Cullen[,] could get away with having a masked costume party in this day and age. Reaching [upGet rid of up] behind her, she adjusted her fluoro pink glitter wings. Her pixie costume left no doubt[, no comma] who she was[... Just make this a period] [S]he was often referred to as the hyperactive pixie. With a shuddering sigh she looked around the semi[-]crowded room[.] [S]he could see her brothers in opposite corners of the room - Edward shamelessly flirting with Jessica Stanley and Emmett was making out with Rosalie Hale. Out of the corner of her eye she [was. Make this saw] a mess of shaggy blonde hair[.] Jasper[.] [A] wave of pain rolled through her tiny body[.]

[Space it up a bit] Jasper Hale had been her boyfriend for [2. Again, two] years[,] they were each others firsts for everything[.] [except. Try: Only one thing] Jasper had given her a first that she did not return. [H]e was Alice's first heart break[.] [H]er mind flashed with the memory of walking in o[n] Jasper fucking Victoria[.] {H]is musical voice grunting out her name[Add something, more detail here. Something like: Out her name in a breathless voice] before telling her how he was going to suck her sweet cunt[,] after he fucked her slick pussy and ploughed [Misspelling. And this word is usually use for "Plowing the earth" I think its not a good choice] her [arse.Don't use "arse" Its dumb. Use the real word.]

See how much I have changed already?

**Her body [[shuddered. Not the word I would have used.] with unshed tears. Try: "Shook, almost violently, trying to hold back tears that were threatening to fall."] moving silently she ran up the stairs into her bedroom [[and. Get rid of this word] threw her little body. Try: Bedroom throwing her small body.] onto the plush couch [and. You use and to much. Try getting crazy and doing something like I did above.] finally let the tears fall...

Here it would be nice to see a prospective change...

**Tugging on [the. His] stiff collar[,] Charlie let out a low groan[.] [S]ure[,] he liked the Cullen's[, Buts usually have a comma before them] but he was [SURE. SO NOT USE CAPS LOCK TO GET YOUR POINT ACROSS IN A STORY!...oops ;) But no, really! Have you ever heard of italicizing?] Carlisle sent Esme to invite him only because he couldn't say no to the [caramel. Good, but i think her hair is more of a red.] haired woman[.] [who. Put "She"] pleaded with him even taking the incentive to bring him a costume[.] Esme it seems[,] had a strange sense of humour as he [Police Chief. I'm not 100% sure, but I don't think these need to start with caps lock letters. Look into it before taking my advice on this one though.] Charlie Swan was dressed as a Italian mobster. His [weathered. LOVE THIS DESCRIPTION!] brown eyes flickered around the room[.] [P]arties were never his thing[,] there was only so much he could talk about[.]

So, I hope you get the point. Also note, I am not amazing at English or Language Arts... whatever you call it. Just a fair warning, some of this may be wrong. But, I don't think it is.

Also for a few things up ahead!

-Capitalize the first word of a sentence. Come on! That's grade

two!

-Capitalize it when people are talking.

-Don't capitalize to get your point across, no! That is what italics are for.

-Remember: there is a thing called a comma.

-Remember: there is a thing called a period.

-Capitalize fist letter of the name.

-Don't let a sentence become a run-on!

-There, their and they're.

-Numbers are spelled if they are one hundred or under.

Please don't take this as me being rude! Really, I want to help and this is the only way you can make it as a writer.

Hope I helped! Write me back after you read this please. I would like to talk to you :)

Best writing,

Emily.
6/14/2011 c1 Guest
omg sooo fucking hot, made me super wet and horney!
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