for The Field Trip To Atlantis2/5/2010 c1 
12cflat
Weird... and extremely unrealistic.
Also, when a new person speaks, you start a new line.
Example:
You wrote:
“Come on, follow me!” shocked, stunned, and amazed, one by one they climbed into the Jumper. Then when everyone was settled, I closed the door and sat in the control seat. “Ready?” I announced. Everyone nodded, “Okay, John I'm dialing the gate, expect me in ten”I informed him. “Minutes or hours?” wondered Cody. “Minutes and a few seconds”I confirmed, Then I flew the Jumper up and up and up , dialed the gate and we were just about there when Ryan W. suddenly shouted”Wow, what's that?” “It's a Stargate and it's taking us to Atlantis.” I answered him.
It should be:
“Come on, follow me!” shocked, stunned, and amazed, one by one they climbed into the Jumper. Then when everyone was settled, I closed the door and sat in the control seat.
“Ready?” I announced. Everyone nodded, “Okay, John I'm dialing the gate, expect me in ten”I informed him.
“Minutes or hours?” wondered Cody. “Minutes and a few seconds”I confirmed,
Then I flew the Jumper up and up and up , dialed the gate and we were just about there when Ryan W. suddenly shouted”Wow, what's that?”
“It's a Stargate and it's taking us to Atlantis.” I answered him.
-
There were also a lot of little things (like some missing punctuation) that could've been written better. I suggest you get a beta to help you with that.
Oh, and 703 people in her backyard? Just how big is her backyard? (Rhetorical question, btw.) And another thing, 703 people in a puddle jumper? Get real! Only less than a dozen can fit in a Jumper.
12cflatWeird... and extremely unrealistic.
Also, when a new person speaks, you start a new line.
Example:
You wrote:
“Come on, follow me!” shocked, stunned, and amazed, one by one they climbed into the Jumper. Then when everyone was settled, I closed the door and sat in the control seat. “Ready?” I announced. Everyone nodded, “Okay, John I'm dialing the gate, expect me in ten”I informed him. “Minutes or hours?” wondered Cody. “Minutes and a few seconds”I confirmed, Then I flew the Jumper up and up and up , dialed the gate and we were just about there when Ryan W. suddenly shouted”Wow, what's that?” “It's a Stargate and it's taking us to Atlantis.” I answered him.
It should be:
“Come on, follow me!” shocked, stunned, and amazed, one by one they climbed into the Jumper. Then when everyone was settled, I closed the door and sat in the control seat.
“Ready?” I announced. Everyone nodded, “Okay, John I'm dialing the gate, expect me in ten”I informed him.
“Minutes or hours?” wondered Cody. “Minutes and a few seconds”I confirmed,
Then I flew the Jumper up and up and up , dialed the gate and we were just about there when Ryan W. suddenly shouted”Wow, what's that?”
“It's a Stargate and it's taking us to Atlantis.” I answered him.
-
There were also a lot of little things (like some missing punctuation) that could've been written better. I suggest you get a beta to help you with that.
Oh, and 703 people in her backyard? Just how big is her backyard? (Rhetorical question, btw.) And another thing, 703 people in a puddle jumper? Get real! Only less than a dozen can fit in a Jumper.