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7/9/2010 c3 99The Light's Refrain
I think that the emotion in this chapter was well-done. There's a lot of intense strain and revelation going on, so it's natural that there's a lot of drama.

I think you do some unneeded head-hopping sometimes though. Having other character's POVs in separate parts is fine (I liked Axel's especially), but the parts from Roxas's POV should stay solely focused on Roxas. (ex. in the dream we don't need snatches of Namine's POV and thoughts. Keeping her thoughts veiled adds more mystery to her role, and lets us focus more on Roxas's reactions) Don't shift POV unless it's really necessary to the story.

This looks to be a fun read. You're good with balancing dialogue with detail. I look forward to more.

7/8/2010 c2 The Light's Refrain
A lot of set-up in this chapter, which is needed. Looks like Roxas will be the subject of a vicous game of mental tug-o-war between Namine and the Organization (and later Sora). That could lead to some unexpected effects in Roxas's mind.
7/8/2010 c1 The Light's Refrain
Interesting. Sometimes the most potent situations are the simple "what-if" ones. This was a bit short, but you seem to be off to a good start. There's a lot of good detail here.
5/11/2010 c1 Anuiance
Before I permit myself to reviewing, first I must say that I will try reviewing each chapter of this story (since there's only three and I'm in a good mood). However, because I'm short on time, I can only review the first chapter. I hope it will satisfy you nonetheless.

What I noticed first about reading this chapter was that it was well done. The description was not over the top, and it was also not undercooked either. (And yes, I was slightly referring to the description as food. Hm.) It was perfect. The substantiality of the action and the setting really made me want to read and improved my already pleased feelings on the story. Excellent job.


Well, it's rather minor, but it still nagged me. There are some sentences that just sounded weird and awkward. For example, the sentence here struck me as awkward for some reason:

"It sort of swayed as it stood, and the boy wondered for a moment as if it were waiting for him."

It seemed like the sentence was missing something. There were only a few sentences that I happened to notice this, but I just thought it should be mentioned...

I'm relieved that you didn't just start describing Roxas right off the bat. One of the grandest cliches I know are of characters being described at the VERY beginning, with description being laid out in a list. "He was wearing blue pants. His hair was wispy. He-" Blah blah blah. Yes, now I'm ranting at this point. I apologize. Anyway, you approached his appearance differently, and you began with an action sequence. I commend you for doing both! It's a HOOK! Thank God for hooks. If it hadn't been for that hook and the fact I loved your description, I probably would have skimmed. But no. I read the whole thing in careful precision and made sure I read each line from top to bottom.

For the length...it was fine, however, this story is probably so dejected because of the fact the paragraphs are so chunky. They're literally stacks of description. Good description, no doubt, but there are definitely some readers/reviewers on here that won't want to waste their time reading paragraphs that are packed with lots of information from top to bottom. Why? Maybe their heads aren't screwed on tight enough...I don't know. But...My God...You only have 7 reviews? What has this world come to? This is at least a DECENT introduction to a story!

Ahem. I should work on composing my behavior, which means limiting my ranting.

Now, the problem with your hook was that it wasn't strong enough. I guess it didn't have to be, but most probably would've read on if it featured Roxas lying on his death bed or something like that. Why? Because it makes the reader wonder. Now, I mentioned that your hook was fine and that it made me wonder. However, it was pretty predictable what was happening. Roxas was running after a Dusk. BAM. Practical beginning of Kingdom Hearts 2. I would've stopped reading it had I not read that it was an AU fic. Why? Because remakes of Kingdom Hearts 2 featuring the same events and storyline are just boring and some aren't even done properly. However, from what I see of this, it's quite good. It doesn't stick to the plot exactly. I mean, Roxas got kidnapped by Dusks for crying out loud. Excellent. Well, not on the kidnapping...just the originality. It's suspenseful and it's keeping me wondering what will happen next. Will the Organization pin Roxas against Sora? Fill his head with lies that they're only working for the good of humanity?

There isn't much else for me to say. While I was reading, I began pointing out a lot of things, but I cannot recall my exact thoughts. Hopefully the memories will be recalled when I do my review for chapters two and three, but for now I must be going because I'm short on time.

It's good so far. Suspenseful, has good description, good source of literary elements and conventions...

Overall, I'm very pleased. Good job, and I'll be returning in the near future.
2/19/2010 c3 7Kiexa
I am officially intrigued. I can't wait to see how this plays out, not only because it's similar to mine, but just to see what you do with it since I've already got a taste. It's definitely different from mine, even though the beginning idea was the same, so we're both good there.

The first chapter, that one line... “ Inform Number VI that he is not to allow Number XI to escape again, and that I will not tolerate any failure.” Haha, I have a line like that too, in my second chap! Made me giggle as I read it. :) ("And, Axel? Don't let him go this time. If he escapes, both of you will die.")

I wonder... that one scene, you made it look like Axel would kill Roxas if that's what Xemnas told him to do... but then again, his ties to him are too strong. I'm curious. And the plans? Does Axel know about Xemmy's insanity?

2/13/2010 c3 11Cori Shadowfang
Interesting so far. Poor Roxas, he gets manipulated by everyone. Anyways, I'll be looking forward to more!
2/8/2010 c2 5Sentinel07
Not bad so far. One question though, are there going to be any pairings in this?

Please update ASAP!
1/15/2010 c2 1ItachiSTORM
stiill loving it
1/10/2010 c2 8Dark Maiden95
Awesome chapter! It's hard to find stories where Roxas is kidnapped. I wonder what Axel's gonna do with Roxas. Please continue soon!
1/10/2010 c1 Dark Maiden95
Oh! Very interesting! I hope you write more! :)
1/6/2010 c1 1ItachiSTORM

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