for The Ring6/7/2010 c13 
6Emperor K. Rool
This is a good story and I wish had found it earlier. Dealing with an Elite's post-war psychological scars in the midst of a battle for his species's future is an interesting idea. It's also rare to see Kig-yar among the main characters, so points for originality.
The good:
You really know how to keep the tension up. The chapter "Loss" is a good example. It looked like Jyn was about to die, and this hearkened back to Zek's conversation with the Arbiter. She lives, but the chapter ends in the loss of Sangheilios. And in your last chapter we learn that Innocence has learned how to control the Flood. Clifhanger!
The bad:
You should break down the larger paragraphs into more reader friendly bites.
While I could easily see the Sangheili-Human military alliance continuing, I think the cultural diffusion is rushed. I mean, we have R'vek, a Sangheili with some psychological scars from the war drinking coffee and wearing jeans.
And it's not just culture. Even their biology seems to human. While I can understand giving everyone the ability to cry, breasts on a female Kig-yar-a spieceies spefically made to be sentient chicken snipers-just seems wierd.
Still, there is more good than bad and I'm looking forward to to the next chapter.
6Emperor K. RoolThis is a good story and I wish had found it earlier. Dealing with an Elite's post-war psychological scars in the midst of a battle for his species's future is an interesting idea. It's also rare to see Kig-yar among the main characters, so points for originality.
The good:
You really know how to keep the tension up. The chapter "Loss" is a good example. It looked like Jyn was about to die, and this hearkened back to Zek's conversation with the Arbiter. She lives, but the chapter ends in the loss of Sangheilios. And in your last chapter we learn that Innocence has learned how to control the Flood. Clifhanger!
The bad:
You should break down the larger paragraphs into more reader friendly bites.
While I could easily see the Sangheili-Human military alliance continuing, I think the cultural diffusion is rushed. I mean, we have R'vek, a Sangheili with some psychological scars from the war drinking coffee and wearing jeans.
And it's not just culture. Even their biology seems to human. While I can understand giving everyone the ability to cry, breasts on a female Kig-yar-a spieceies spefically made to be sentient chicken snipers-just seems wierd.
Still, there is more good than bad and I'm looking forward to to the next chapter.
5/10/2010 c13 10Dawn Searcher
1. John's height is closer to 7 feet, i believe.
2. Controllable Flood? Interesting. I suppose the Forerunners didn't do it because it went against their principles or something? Anyhow, this better be related to the rest of the new elements (huge Halo, native beasts, powerful Loyalist fleet, etc.) somehow.
Shouldn't the Humans be worried/battling Innocence's fleet? (Or did i miss that...)
Best of luck,
-Dawn
10Dawn Searcher1. John's height is closer to 7 feet, i believe.
2. Controllable Flood? Interesting. I suppose the Forerunners didn't do it because it went against their principles or something? Anyhow, this better be related to the rest of the new elements (huge Halo, native beasts, powerful Loyalist fleet, etc.) somehow.
Shouldn't the Humans be worried/battling Innocence's fleet? (Or did i miss that...)
Best of luck,
-Dawn
5/10/2010 c12 Dawn Searcher
Hmm, tension between the two-adequate. One gets the sense that the true "confrontation" is yet to come.
For style critiques, yet again see review of Ch.10.
I like John's quip about familiarity implying that he tried to kill the familiar being.
R'vek-unable to best the guards outside the tower, but kills with abandon those inside? Is this inconsistency-or is Mortis purposely letting him get to Tira?
My, my-characters sure are fond of gutting other characters like worms. Too bad worms don't have-okay, they do have guts.
Moving on,
-Dawn
Hmm, tension between the two-adequate. One gets the sense that the true "confrontation" is yet to come.
For style critiques, yet again see review of Ch.10.
I like John's quip about familiarity implying that he tried to kill the familiar being.
R'vek-unable to best the guards outside the tower, but kills with abandon those inside? Is this inconsistency-or is Mortis purposely letting him get to Tira?
My, my-characters sure are fond of gutting other characters like worms. Too bad worms don't have-okay, they do have guts.
Moving on,
-Dawn
5/10/2010 c11 Dawn Searcher
For commentary on writing style, see last chapter's review.
I like Tira's reasoning. It makes that segment...*more* third-person limited than the other segments, for some reason. Though she didn't need to repeat that reasoning to Innocence.
As for the rhetorical questions at the end...it is the third one that intrigues me.
Moving on,
-Dawn
For commentary on writing style, see last chapter's review.
I like Tira's reasoning. It makes that segment...*more* third-person limited than the other segments, for some reason. Though she didn't need to repeat that reasoning to Innocence.
As for the rhetorical questions at the end...it is the third one that intrigues me.
Moving on,
-Dawn
5/10/2010 c10 Dawn Searcher
Hi,
Just dropping by to:
1. Apologize for my tardiness. Real life has been bothersome of late.
2. Mention that you still need to split up your paragraphs, especially during the action scenes. I believe many small fragments would do wonders for describing the tension of combat. Slows the story down to bullet-time, if you will.
3. Some capitalisation errors here and there.
4. Remark that plasma weapons would probably be more effective against these creatures.
Moving on to Ch.11,
-Dawn
Hi,
Just dropping by to:
1. Apologize for my tardiness. Real life has been bothersome of late.
2. Mention that you still need to split up your paragraphs, especially during the action scenes. I believe many small fragments would do wonders for describing the tension of combat. Slows the story down to bullet-time, if you will.
3. Some capitalisation errors here and there.
4. Remark that plasma weapons would probably be more effective against these creatures.
Moving on to Ch.11,
-Dawn
4/7/2010 c9 g
short sweet and dramtic i love it
keep up the awsome work
and lol to what R'vek told mark although if i had been in that place i would have just swiched seats
keep it up
short sweet and dramtic i love it
keep up the awsome work
and lol to what R'vek told mark although if i had been in that place i would have just swiched seats
keep it up
4/3/2010 c9 Dawn Searcher
About time, Baeowulf! I was pondering whether or not to rush you with a PM. Glad to see you're back in the game. And, behold the numbered list of commentary:
1. Okay, so R'vek acts all standoffish and harsh to the humans. And then he immediately tells a human one of his most traumatic experiences? Something here doesn't fit. I doubt characters (and real people) are quick to reveal such experiences, even to people they're fond of. And the readers have heard this before. I feel your best course should have been to expose to Mark how much R'vek feels about Tira.
2. Could use some separation between the longer paragraphs.
3. Maybe "immunity towards the Flood" instead of "apathy..." ?
Overall, a good comeback, keep writing,
-Dawn
About time, Baeowulf! I was pondering whether or not to rush you with a PM. Glad to see you're back in the game. And, behold the numbered list of commentary:
1. Okay, so R'vek acts all standoffish and harsh to the humans. And then he immediately tells a human one of his most traumatic experiences? Something here doesn't fit. I doubt characters (and real people) are quick to reveal such experiences, even to people they're fond of. And the readers have heard this before. I feel your best course should have been to expose to Mark how much R'vek feels about Tira.
2. Could use some separation between the longer paragraphs.
3. Maybe "immunity towards the Flood" instead of "apathy..." ?
Overall, a good comeback, keep writing,
-Dawn
3/29/2010 c8 g
pleas update its killing me with suspence wating for what will hapen
my review it a great stroy that makes me want more with every word i hear
and a sugestion have Joun 117 save R'vek mate
but i dou't care what you do as long as its as awsome as what you've been doing
pleas update its killing me with suspence wating for what will hapen
my review it a great stroy that makes me want more with every word i hear
and a sugestion have Joun 117 save R'vek mate
but i dou't care what you do as long as its as awsome as what you've been doing
3/1/2010 c1 Th3y3ll0wd4rt
This is a great story, i love the characters, story, everything about this fic is awesome, pleez update soon
This is a great story, i love the characters, story, everything about this fic is awesome, pleez update soon
2/21/2010 c1 grif
Truly amazing stories I love the characters you have created and the whole situation is awesome. I see only a few slight flaws in your stories that don’t even effect how great it is this story is getting better by the chapter. Keep up the good work I am encase to see some more chapters put up
Truly amazing stories I love the characters you have created and the whole situation is awesome. I see only a few slight flaws in your stories that don’t even effect how great it is this story is getting better by the chapter. Keep up the good work I am encase to see some more chapters put up
2/3/2010 c8 Raphael
The characters you've created are amazingly detailed, and I'm already quite emotionally attached to many/most of them! I'm looking forward to the next chapter!
The characters you've created are amazingly detailed, and I'm already quite emotionally attached to many/most of them! I'm looking forward to the next chapter!
2/2/2010 c1 Raphael
Well done! It seems that either you have quite an interest in writing in general, or you're just quite talented (or both!). I loved the story, and loved your writing!. Just one thing though. Any elite that wields a sword can't marry. however they can mate with any female they want (married or unmarried) to pass on the"swordsman genes" If R'vek is married, then we're not going to see him in golden armor with an energy sword. a lot more about Sangheili culture can be found at the halo wikipedia.
Well done! It seems that either you have quite an interest in writing in general, or you're just quite talented (or both!). I loved the story, and loved your writing!. Just one thing though. Any elite that wields a sword can't marry. however they can mate with any female they want (married or unmarried) to pass on the"swordsman genes" If R'vek is married, then we're not going to see him in golden armor with an energy sword. a lot more about Sangheili culture can be found at the halo wikipedia.
2/1/2010 c8 Dawn Searcher
Surprise, surprise. No points of contention today; chapter was more plot-geared than action-geared; good. The story had seemed (too) full of the latter before now. Nice contrast between Zek and R'vek in their respective post-struggle mindsets.
A note for the future: don't be afraid to kill characters... but don't kill them senselessly either. Heroes never die for purposes of combat; only to propel the plot or the character of another hero forward. Polling for deaths has always seemed... inelegant for me. That being said, it's your story. I can only poke you in the side and be a general annoyance.
Good luck,
-Dawn
Surprise, surprise. No points of contention today; chapter was more plot-geared than action-geared; good. The story had seemed (too) full of the latter before now. Nice contrast between Zek and R'vek in their respective post-struggle mindsets.
A note for the future: don't be afraid to kill characters... but don't kill them senselessly either. Heroes never die for purposes of combat; only to propel the plot or the character of another hero forward. Polling for deaths has always seemed... inelegant for me. That being said, it's your story. I can only poke you in the side and be a general annoyance.
Good luck,
-Dawn
2/1/2010 c8 12Paladin Graith
Here's an idea that could cause the Brutes to shit themselves. What if their new tech doesn't work as well against human ships. Like with the whole Covi War, where the Human ships could destroy Covi ships but on multiple occassions had to outnumber them three to one.
12Paladin GraithHere's an idea that could cause the Brutes to shit themselves. What if their new tech doesn't work as well against human ships. Like with the whole Covi War, where the Human ships could destroy Covi ships but on multiple occassions had to outnumber them three to one.
2/1/2010 c7 Paladin Graith
Hope all the survivers are as distant in relation to eachother as possible, or else their genepool is fucked.
Hope all the survivers are as distant in relation to eachother as possible, or else their genepool is fucked.