for The Ring1/28/2010 c7 
10Dawn Searcher
Glad to see you have updated. Worry not; you are not the only one school has taken upon itself to torture. As usual, here be pointers:
1. Try to avoid using the same adjective or phrase more than once in a paragraph (e.g. "to his horror", in the second paragraph. For effect, you can change the second time to "to his greater horror" or the likes.)
2. You characterized your "alien" characters well. To that effect, please refrain from describing the human characters in detail when they are first introduced. Unless red hair and blue eyes pertain to the immediate situation, cut them. If the cigarette is a sign of personality then it can be kept. (though smoking is not allowed in most installations)
3. 50? The Humans were teetering at the brink at 200 million + perhaps billions from Inner Colonies that were skipped when the Covenant rushed to Earth. On a serious note: only do this if you truly want the Sangheili to go extinct; unless they have an intact gene bank and are willing to modify offspring, they will likely succumb to the effects of a "genetic bottleneck". Google the term if you were unaware of this. I suggest at the very least mentioning other colonies under Sangheili control, who evacuated in time, if you are not cruel.
Good luck writing, as always, and don't let my nitpicking get you down.
Sincerely,
Dawn Searcher
P.S. Rtas' epic rescue just failed miserably. Me like :D
10Dawn SearcherGlad to see you have updated. Worry not; you are not the only one school has taken upon itself to torture. As usual, here be pointers:
1. Try to avoid using the same adjective or phrase more than once in a paragraph (e.g. "to his horror", in the second paragraph. For effect, you can change the second time to "to his greater horror" or the likes.)
2. You characterized your "alien" characters well. To that effect, please refrain from describing the human characters in detail when they are first introduced. Unless red hair and blue eyes pertain to the immediate situation, cut them. If the cigarette is a sign of personality then it can be kept. (though smoking is not allowed in most installations)
3. 50? The Humans were teetering at the brink at 200 million + perhaps billions from Inner Colonies that were skipped when the Covenant rushed to Earth. On a serious note: only do this if you truly want the Sangheili to go extinct; unless they have an intact gene bank and are willing to modify offspring, they will likely succumb to the effects of a "genetic bottleneck". Google the term if you were unaware of this. I suggest at the very least mentioning other colonies under Sangheili control, who evacuated in time, if you are not cruel.
Good luck writing, as always, and don't let my nitpicking get you down.
Sincerely,
Dawn Searcher
P.S. Rtas' epic rescue just failed miserably. Me like :D
1/25/2010 c6 baynard
good work so far, can't wait to see more.
good work so far, can't wait to see more.
1/24/2010 c6 Dawn Searcher
Business as usual:
1. "Let none pass." You got that right, Prophet; if even one slipspace-worthy vessel escapes the defense ring, and it happens to have Flood in it, then the galaxy is once again in royal trouble. Scratch that. In bigger trouble than ever before, with the Ark in a mess.
2. I'd like to see either Flood, Jiralhanae, or the Resistance meet with Zek and co. soon; otherwise, the crash site seems like a location totally removed from a planet being assaulted on all sides; an action vaccum, or so to speak. (Note: personal opinion)
3. F-78 translates into exactly three letters? are those Human letters/numbers? Okay, so the Covenant script may use one figure for one letter and they may use base 10. Okay, so i'm nitpicking really badly and should stop right now. Got it.
4. Was "Harbinger" always the name of Innocence's ship? If so, then what was "Scepter"?
In general: plot good as always, glad to see your paragraphs are less massive.
Concerning your question: it would depend on her role in the story. Love interest? She can be replaced if done skilfully. Representation of all that is good and innocent in R'vek's life? Not as easily replaced.
Good luck writing,
-Dawn
P.S. Rtas, come and save the Arbiter's derriere like you always do! XD
Business as usual:
1. "Let none pass." You got that right, Prophet; if even one slipspace-worthy vessel escapes the defense ring, and it happens to have Flood in it, then the galaxy is once again in royal trouble. Scratch that. In bigger trouble than ever before, with the Ark in a mess.
2. I'd like to see either Flood, Jiralhanae, or the Resistance meet with Zek and co. soon; otherwise, the crash site seems like a location totally removed from a planet being assaulted on all sides; an action vaccum, or so to speak. (Note: personal opinion)
3. F-78 translates into exactly three letters? are those Human letters/numbers? Okay, so the Covenant script may use one figure for one letter and they may use base 10. Okay, so i'm nitpicking really badly and should stop right now. Got it.
4. Was "Harbinger" always the name of Innocence's ship? If so, then what was "Scepter"?
In general: plot good as always, glad to see your paragraphs are less massive.
Concerning your question: it would depend on her role in the story. Love interest? She can be replaced if done skilfully. Representation of all that is good and innocent in R'vek's life? Not as easily replaced.
Good luck writing,
-Dawn
P.S. Rtas, come and save the Arbiter's derriere like you always do! XD
1/22/2010 c5 Dawn Searcher
Thanks for invoking a convenient plot device(tm) to explain the sudden godmoding Jiralhanae XD Your strong points are still your strong points. Hence, i will concentrate on the usual nitpicky matters which i concern myself with:
1. Please try to separate your paragraphs; usually 7-8 lines of computer text is good for not getting the reader lost.
2. It seems illogical that Innocence would kill the current chieftain, who seemingly wasn't involved with F-78 to any extent, and replace him with Mortis, who was directly involved in her imprisonment and, thus, escape.
As to your question: really, do what you decide is best. While killing canon characters may dissuade that character's fan(girl)s from reading, it's really up to the requirements of the plot. Does killing Tira send R'vek into an unstoppable rage or a deep-seated regret (both of which will hopefully culminate in ending Innocence's threat)? Does killing the Arbiter completely shatter Sangheili resistance or significantly hinder it? In the end, it should make the plot go the way you want it to go.
Good luck,
-Dawn
P.S. where are the polls on your profile?
P.P.S. the Arbiter is too cool to kill :O
Thanks for invoking a convenient plot device(tm) to explain the sudden godmoding Jiralhanae XD Your strong points are still your strong points. Hence, i will concentrate on the usual nitpicky matters which i concern myself with:
1. Please try to separate your paragraphs; usually 7-8 lines of computer text is good for not getting the reader lost.
2. It seems illogical that Innocence would kill the current chieftain, who seemingly wasn't involved with F-78 to any extent, and replace him with Mortis, who was directly involved in her imprisonment and, thus, escape.
As to your question: really, do what you decide is best. While killing canon characters may dissuade that character's fan(girl)s from reading, it's really up to the requirements of the plot. Does killing Tira send R'vek into an unstoppable rage or a deep-seated regret (both of which will hopefully culminate in ending Innocence's threat)? Does killing the Arbiter completely shatter Sangheili resistance or significantly hinder it? In the end, it should make the plot go the way you want it to go.
Good luck,
-Dawn
P.S. where are the polls on your profile?
P.P.S. the Arbiter is too cool to kill :O
1/21/2010 c4 Dawn Searcher
the plot is good as always, and your action scenes are among the better ones on the site. Several things:
1. Flood Mgalekgolo? Seeing as they're an assemblage of wormlike entities, i doubt Flood can make combat forms out of that; canon seems to confirm this.
2. I hope you will detail what happened to the Sangheili defense fleet, which logically must have been put in place since the civil war (because the Sangheili and the Jiralhanae logically would know the slipspace coordinates of each other's homeworlds)
3. Try to split up those massive descriptive paragraphs. It's rather easy to lose your place in those blocks of screen text, though the same may not apply to paper.
Happy writing,
-Dawn
the plot is good as always, and your action scenes are among the better ones on the site. Several things:
1. Flood Mgalekgolo? Seeing as they're an assemblage of wormlike entities, i doubt Flood can make combat forms out of that; canon seems to confirm this.
2. I hope you will detail what happened to the Sangheili defense fleet, which logically must have been put in place since the civil war (because the Sangheili and the Jiralhanae logically would know the slipspace coordinates of each other's homeworlds)
3. Try to split up those massive descriptive paragraphs. It's rather easy to lose your place in those blocks of screen text, though the same may not apply to paper.
Happy writing,
-Dawn
1/19/2010 c3 Dawn Searcher
Still well done, but two things bother me:
1) The sun and moon motif. With Sanghelios's three suns... i imagine you can see how this can be trouble canon-wise
2) Personally, i think deleting the part about Innocence would greatly enhance the suspense in this fic. If we didn't know Innocence was behind it, but we knew that the corpses were planted, we would be much more eager to continue reading. (and it seems strange that the skeletons and corpses would decompose at different rates in the same setting)
Looking forward,
-Dawn
Still well done, but two things bother me:
1) The sun and moon motif. With Sanghelios's three suns... i imagine you can see how this can be trouble canon-wise
2) Personally, i think deleting the part about Innocence would greatly enhance the suspense in this fic. If we didn't know Innocence was behind it, but we knew that the corpses were planted, we would be much more eager to continue reading. (and it seems strange that the skeletons and corpses would decompose at different rates in the same setting)
Looking forward,
-Dawn
1/19/2010 c2 4Cortanas-7hrD-L0veR
Agien good story. I like the indepth feel to it.
Agien my complient is with the covenant, thay act a little too human,. I get that there is always some simularities between sentiant coltures, but you need to show somemore of the elites colture in the way they act in there civilian lives and what there archetecter looks like.
And how long seens the war because, wether thay like it or not the Elites are going to have had to do some major apoligizing and ass kissing to be intergrated this deeply. I know Elites have double the life spans of humans but the war cant have ended that long ago. The reason I bring these up is not to flame you- Im not trying to do that at all- but this story shows promise and Ive seen to many stories simular to this be ruined because thay make the covanent too human or make it were the Elites and the UNSC is all friendly with each other so quikly, there would still be a lot of tention be tween the to powers for a long time. I like this story alot and I dont wont to see it go down this road.
But in anycase another great chapter and I hope to see more from this.
Thank you for your time, and sorry about spelling(Im dislexic -_-)
4Cortanas-7hrD-L0veRAgien good story. I like the indepth feel to it.
Agien my complient is with the covenant, thay act a little too human,. I get that there is always some simularities between sentiant coltures, but you need to show somemore of the elites colture in the way they act in there civilian lives and what there archetecter looks like.
And how long seens the war because, wether thay like it or not the Elites are going to have had to do some major apoligizing and ass kissing to be intergrated this deeply. I know Elites have double the life spans of humans but the war cant have ended that long ago. The reason I bring these up is not to flame you- Im not trying to do that at all- but this story shows promise and Ive seen to many stories simular to this be ruined because thay make the covanent too human or make it were the Elites and the UNSC is all friendly with each other so quikly, there would still be a lot of tention be tween the to powers for a long time. I like this story alot and I dont wont to see it go down this road.
But in anycase another great chapter and I hope to see more from this.
Thank you for your time, and sorry about spelling(Im dislexic -_-)
1/18/2010 c2 Dawn Searcher
This is a very detailed fanfic, and obviously contains much effort on your part. This effort, i think you'll be glad to hear, was not expended in vain. Your characters are well-developed and believeable. I especially like your Kig-Yar characters :D
Note: although helpful to a degree, i think you could have integrated your long note on post-Covenant situations/Alien characteristics into your story. (e.g. "A Kig-Yar's spines changed colour depending on their mood; right now, Zek's were a bright "). The solid block of text rather frightened me :O
Please continue your story. It's full of promise.
-Dawn
(I am found by the same name on )
This is a very detailed fanfic, and obviously contains much effort on your part. This effort, i think you'll be glad to hear, was not expended in vain. Your characters are well-developed and believeable. I especially like your Kig-Yar characters :D
Note: although helpful to a degree, i think you could have integrated your long note on post-Covenant situations/Alien characteristics into your story. (e.g. "A Kig-Yar's spines changed colour depending on their mood; right now, Zek's were a bright "). The solid block of text rather frightened me :O
Please continue your story. It's full of promise.
-Dawn
(I am found by the same name on )
1/18/2010 c1 Cortanas-7hrD-L0veR
This is good. I really like this story and cant whait to see were this goes.
This is no big deal but Jackels are aviens not mammals. though agien this is no big deal because that outcome is the same.
And I hope you refrince that there is two sides to every war and the humans and by extenshion the Chief where in the right, much more than the covenant in the terms of why they were fighting in the war is a much more noble than the Covenants, no matter what the Elites thaink.
But this is your story and what ever you do is fine by me.
So agein great story and I hope to see more soon.
This is good. I really like this story and cant whait to see were this goes.
This is no big deal but Jackels are aviens not mammals. though agien this is no big deal because that outcome is the same.
And I hope you refrince that there is two sides to every war and the humans and by extenshion the Chief where in the right, much more than the covenant in the terms of why they were fighting in the war is a much more noble than the Covenants, no matter what the Elites thaink.
But this is your story and what ever you do is fine by me.
So agein great story and I hope to see more soon.