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for Midnight Wishes

3/17/2016 c4 1accountorphaned
I liked this, but I was hoping that Ian would kiss Amy... meh
11/18/2015 c4 Forever Fading Starlight
Love it!XD
10/5/2011 c1 26ghettos
Hai :)

I came across this story when I saw that it was nominated for the Madrigal Award on TMA, and I realised that I hadn't read it yet. {This is basically why I'm only reviewing now.}

I'll just get right to it, shall I...?

"Natalie slowly turned around, and faced her father, Vikram Kabra. He, of course, was his usual handsome self. Natalie already knew she was absolutely gorgeous, angry as she was."

This sentence baffled me. I mean, yes, I get everything about Vikram being handsome, but I don't understand how Natalie being gorgeous herself links to it in any way at all. It makes it sound like...well, it makes it sound like Vikram was complimenting her before that sentence, but it isn't.

I don't know. It just doesn't flow for me.

"Natalie raised an eyebrow, confused. "Why on Earth do I have a need to do that, father?" she asked sweetly."

I believe that 'father' ought to be 'Father', because she's using the word as a name. Sort of like the difference between 'my father' and 'Father'.

"She knew he was tired, and he was trying to be nicer today, even though he was under so much stress, but she also knew he was going to crack soon."

This sentence is too long. It makes it sound like you're...trying too hard to get all this information into one sentence. Maybe you could have written "She knew he was tired, and despite the huge amount of stress he was under, he was still trying to be nice. However, it was obvious that he was going to crack soon." I'm not particularly sure that my sentence's a good replacement either, but still...

"Which didn't exactly sooth his daughter."

I think it's 'soothe'? Because 'sooth' actually has another meaning, and that's 'truth'.

"It take more than his gentle tone to do that."

You're missing a word. Since it's not in present tense {In which circumstance this sentence would also be wrong. It's supposed to be 'It takes more than his gentle tone to do that.'} it ought to be 'It would take more than his gentle tone to do that.'

" He led Natalie into his study, and let her sit down in front of his desk in a very soft chair."

'in a very soft chair'. That sounds awkward.

"Have you never considered the fact that we could get valuable information on this night?"

I believe it's meant to be 'tonight', otherwise it should have been 'on that night'.

"Her father wasn't suggesting...?"

Nothing majorly wrong with this, but maybe there should have been a 'that' at the end, to improve the flow.

"... and I'm sure everyone will have a swell time."

'Swell time'? That's...ah...

"They were shown to the Ball Room..." "...to watch them enter the Ball Room."

'Ball Room'? I think it's 'ballroom' or 'Ballroom'. 'Ball Room' makes it sound like a room full of balls.

"where Ivan Kliester..."

It's 'Ivan Kleister'.

"Natalie hadn't gone down stairs yet..." "He wouldn't go down stairs until he was comfortable with the situation."

'Downstairs' would probably have fit better in these situations.

"Bae Oh came, a stern look on his face."

"Bae Oh alighted from his car, a stern look on his face" might have fit better here.

"Amy had to be next...

Amy was nervous, to say the least."

Maybe if you'd put a page-breaker in between these two lines, it might have flowed better, because I was momentarily confused at seeing this.

"It was very elegant–And as expensive as it was..."

The 'a' in 'And' shouldn't have been capitalised.

"They had gotten a flight to London, and now the Man in Black was taking them to the Kabra's Mansion."

I think it should be "Kabras'", not "Kabra's", because the latter makes it seem as if there's only one Kabra, and the mansion belongs to him.

Overall comments: All in all, I think it was pretty well written, I guess, excluding the mistakes above. The bits with Dan and Amy were a bit choppy, for example - "Dan slurped a Sprite. Amy groaned." "Dan grumbled. Again." - This isn't the best beginning, perhaps.

You used the 'enter' key too many times at the very beginning. It seems really rushed.

Yes, it was quite a pleasant read {I think.} but it's not your best work. Definitely.

Forever yours,

Drew
5/2/2011 c4 2therockinCookie
AMAZING. JUST AMAZING. A REALLY BEAUTIFUL NICE STORY. I LOVE IT. :)
4/21/2011 c4 4wormholes
Fangirlness:

MONA. THAT WAS AWESOME. AHHHHHHHH!

Non-fangirlness:

MONA. THAT WAS AWESOME. AHHHHHHHH!

LOL. Same. :)
4/11/2011 c4 c
I was hoping actually for a Iamy ending but it was nice
4/10/2011 c4 26Syberian Quest
You have improved. Vastly. At first glance, I was able to see a drastic difference. Congrats. :)

And now I will attempt to create a worthwhile review. We’ll see how that goes. ;)

There was definitely much more substance to the story, and visuals were also excellent. I can really see how much Penumbra’s review influenced your writing. I also feel compelled to applaud the way you wrote Amy, Ian, and Dan. None of the characters were OOC, but I felt as though you wrote those three especially well. The interactions between Ian and Amy were realistic, not overdone, and definitely humorous.

That’s just another thing that I loved about this – your humor. I found myself laughing at several points during the story, especially Dan’s parts, and I couldn’t help but let out a good chuckle when Ian noticed one of Amy’s eyes being bigger than the other. Ah, that was spectacular. That’s exactly the sort of thing he would do (and unfortunately, so would I, being the perfectionist OCD freak that I am), which made it that much more hilarious.

There were lots of details, and I could feel myself there, experiencing the same thoughts and events as the characters. Well done. :)

Now, on to grammar. Definitely well done (no surprise there), but I caught a few things that I will attempt to point out… (HAHAHA, my REVENGE… *cough* kidding… XD)

“as the Lawyer had forbidden before.” You did this several times, but I wasn’t quite sure why. Why is he “the Lawyer,” and not “the lawyer”? At one point, you used a lowercase “l,” but everywhere else, you used a capital one. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I do not believe that would be a title to be capitalized.

"I would like to catch up to everything I missed while I was in the hospital" Not incorrect, but I’ve always heard the expression “catch up on,” not to. It just sounded a little bit odd to my ears.

“An strange, unpleasant feeling” - A strange, unpleasant feeling, not an strange, unpleasant feeling.

"Not nearly half of it." This sentence just sounded a bit off to me. Try “Not quite half of it,” maybe?

"Oh really?" I think you missed a few commas between “oh” and other words a few times.

“Either that or he said everything precisely so that it would hurt you the most.” I think there should have been a comma after “that.”

“everything would be alright?” At one point, you used “all right,” but here, you used alright. It’s best to stick to one.

“Even if she did forgive him for everything–or even some of the things that he had done, it wouldn't make it better.” I really think that another dash would have made more sense than a comma simply because that little section was just an interrupter thought.

“It would be hilarious to watch her give try to give her resolution.” Just take out the extra give.

“Aside from her bringing up and personality” Would the word upbringing make more sense in this sentence?

“each other anyways” The word “anyways” technically isn’t a word… My English teacher got after me for this one, and I’ve never forgotten it since. Also, I think a comma would have been needed before it, too.

“of the Kabras Mansion” There should be an apostrophe here, and I’m not sure why the word “mansion” is capitalized. I don’t think it would be necessary – it’s not an actual title, is it?

“two auburn haired boys” There should be a hyphen between “auburn” and “haired.”

“They could probably see through right her confident disguise” Little wording mix-up here – not hard to fix.

Oh, and one more thing. I noticed you constantly put commas outside of quotation marks instead of inside. Only with the rare exception would they be placed outside of quotation marks.

Anyway, for over 6000 words, your grammar was excellent.  But, I’m not in any way surprised. You are a Grammar Nazi, after all. ;) Just another thing I enjoyed about this – it was long. You just made me feel so much better about writing such long chapters for WKMTC. THANK YOU.

A lot of effort was obviously put into this chapter, and I believe that you ended the story remarkably well. The first couple of chapters didn’t have much happen, but you made up for it in the last chapter. It’s rather amusing to go from the first chapters to this incredibly long, much more developed chapter. The growth you went through during that time as a writer is clearly evident, and I can definitely relate as I had the same sort of thing happen in one of my stories ;) I mean, in a novel, it would never fly, but it’s always encouraging to see a writer’s growth.

My only real critique for this particular chapter would be that there were so many characters. I absolutely loved how you added those mission characters, but having to go through all those wishes became slightly tedious. That’s truly the blessing and the curse of the 39 Clues: there are so many characters. I’m not sure how you could have avoided going through all the wishes (obviously, every reader would want to see a different character’s wish), but I think you did a good job of breaking it up with some added comic relief. True sign of a wonderful writer. :)

And the ending was definitely fantastic. I wasn’t sure how you would end it, but I was pleasantly surprised to find myself enjoying the ending almost more than anything else. You wrapped it up very nicely. You also managed to find a good balance with Ian and Amy: potential for more between them in the future, but nothing too certain.

So, now, I’m just going to shut up and say that you are a wonderful writer. I hope that my review didn’t bore you to tears, and that this will be at least a little bit of repayment for all the wonderful advice you’ve given to me. I know how incredibly busy you are, but I do hope to see more of your new and improved writing in the future.

♥ ~Syberia~ ♥
4/9/2011 c1 wlink111
dude this is really good, this sounds like it could be actually put into the really story.
4/7/2011 c1 12Cascading Rainbows
*checks publish date*

January 25th, 2010? Wow...four chapters in more than a year. o.O Haha. But your writing has really changed during that year, and this story exemplifies it perfectly.

[By the way, I'm reviewing as I read.]

CONS:

The beginning is a bit...bland. GAH, not /bad/, just...I would've liked more details. Compared to the fourth chapter, it looks very plain.

Strange how they had reversed roles so suddenly–all in the blink of an eye, she was the reluctant one. ~ Awkward phrasing here. I would've done something like: Strange how they had reversed roles so suddenly-in the blink of an eye, she had become the reluctant one.

I think you're missing a scene break line. Between the Amy part and Natalie part. Unless you did that on purpose. I would've put a scene break there, though.

It take more than his gentle tone to do that. ~ It's "took" or "would take" not "take".

The Starlings, who were finally out of the hospital, had arrived. They were shown to the Ball Room, where Ivan Kliester, the leader of the Tomas branch, stood, chatting with his mother, Isabel Kabra. ~ Ivan is Isabel's son? o.O

The conclusion sentence sounded a bit offhand. It's fine, though, since it's a multi-chapter story.

PROS:

Your grammar and spelling were nearly flawless. I pointed out the mistakes up there in the CONS section. Forgive me if I missed any.

I love the "Thath a bik houth" part with Dan and his M&Ms. xD

This is one of the better stories in the archive. And for that, I applaud you.

OVERALL:

A nice read. I liked it overall, and you did well on this. Great job! :D

~Smiles,

Joyce
4/5/2011 c4 31Another Artist
Long chapter :) But it was very good.

I liked it overall, and I liked some of the resolutions - some more than others. I like Amy's realization very much.

I kind of felt, though, as if the plot should've been made into a two-shot rather than these four chapters. Because up to the end of chapter three, there was no actual action or anything like that, or hint towards what the plot might be.

... you know what I mean? I mean, it was all outstounding, but I felt as if some scenes could have been edited out, and this could have easily been a two-shot, or even an oneshot.

As for the summary and title - I adore them, obviously. But I felt as if this was more about resolutions - as said - than wishes? I mean, I can see that the two are very alike, so I wish you had used the word "wish" more than "resolutions" sometimes.

Great ending, though. I'm happy you're finished with this :) It must be nice to not have to worry about another story.
4/5/2011 c3 Another Artist
Reviewing your older chapters is hard, because I know that if I point something out, you'd already know that it's there. So... I feel awkward in reviewing xD

So... not much to say again. Good job :)
4/5/2011 c2 Another Artist
Again, some typos and incorrect word usage (your/you're), but this is a younger you writing, as I said before. If you were writing this today, I'm pretty sure they'd be gone.

So far, so good :)
4/5/2011 c1 Another Artist
I'm finally reviewing! [I feel so bad for not doing so earlier.]

Well, everyone seems in-character this chapter. I find typos and stuff like that every once in a while, but nothing big. After all, this was written over a year ago, and you have certainly progressed since then. :)

I like the interaction between Natalie and her father.

And... yeah. :)
4/5/2011 c4 3fangirls see differently
This was really good. And I agree with Rage: the guy's a nut! I liked how you left the choice of being friends or more than friends for Ian and Amy. But I DEFINITELY would've chosen more than friends!
4/5/2011 c4 the-spider-queen
Lovely story, Muse. Anyway...you finished right on time. April 5 is the new Cahill year cause VESPERS RISING CAME OUT! WOO-HOO!
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