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for Ramune

7/5/2015 c1 2JusticeBouchard
I'd like to start by saying that in comparison to many other Fanfics I've read on the Immortal Series, yours has a rather interesting plot. Of course, this is always enjoyable. Creativity is key, and surely, you nailed that with your take on Ramune, and how in this Fanfic at least, it holds the secret to immortality. I find that amusing.

When reading your writing, everything is easy to understand, the majority of your writing is spelled correctly, and overall, your grammar seems to be fairly proper! Coo-toes to you!

I have expressed a reason or two on why I enjoyed your Fanfic, now I'd like to give you a few hints on how you could possibly improve your writing!

Constructive criticism and a compliment; Im all for it.

For starters, when writing a Fanfic, you either have to pay very close attention, have a photographic memory, or study up on the story your Fanfic is based off of before beginning. In other words, know your characters, and how they act. Also be aware of their features. Very important.

For example, in your Fanfic you have written that Ever looked up at Damen through thick black lashes, or something of the sort. Ever may have looked adorable in Damen's eyes with that movement, but Ever has blonde hair. Common sense would tell you that her lashes aren't thick and black, but if anything, a light brown or so.

An argument for this- Ever is wearing mascara.

Ever usually does not wear makeup throughout the series! Usually a bit of lip gloss once Damen comes around.

Secondly, Damen is sexy, a bit wild, and oh so playful, but in no way do I picture him to be the way you portrayed him. Damen is sexy, a bit wild, and oh so playful, but he pulls it off in a calm, cool, collected way, with a bit of knowledgeable teasing. If you would have incorporated a personality like so on the Damen in your Fanfic, that would have worked well for you!

Having these little details nailed on the head makes it so much more enjoyable to read a Fanfic. Especially for someone like myself.

Overall, great job! I was intrigued by your summary, your writing was rather well, I just recommend knowing the characters as well as you possibly can.

Yes, I do realize this was published five years ago and you've either learned a few tricks, or no longer visit this site. Regardless, here is my review!

If by any chance your still interested, I have two Fanfics for the Immortal Series on my page. Check them out if you're feeling kind!
6/15/2010 c1 MaGgIeIsAsTaR
Ha! This is funny! Love it!
2/3/2010 c1 18InfinityChaos
ha that was adorable :D

lmao, could you believe after all of those drinks I've had, i never knew what it was called XD

Brilliant Riight?

Haha, I have my moments.

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