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6/28/2010 c21 4eternitybeckons
Roger's ghost killed Akainu? sweet!

I got scared for a second there thinking that Shanks' was going to die. But thankfully Swift intervined ^-^

so Basil is going to kill Doflamingo?
6/28/2010 c20 eternitybeckons
wow so Luffy is the son of a noble?

and Pacifistica Magellan is now chacing them. I hope they get away ok
6/26/2010 c19 eternitybeckons
you dedicated it to me? Thank you! ^-^

yay! Luffy met Shanks! and great choice at making Shank's the vicar. =]

So Kidd is Acer's cousin? thats on hell of a family tree.

Luffy's fianlly meeting up with the real zoro! wow!
6/26/2010 c18 eternitybeckons
so there is going to be a funeral for Ace and Whitebeard and all those who have a part to play are going to be there?

and that wasn't the reall Zoro? that was unexpected.

wait; is Brownbeard now captain of the whitebeard pirates?
6/21/2010 c21 Czar Lawrence III
Now you're using the saying who said what how after they said it, but only a few times. No one uses the said 'something' first as much as you do :3
6/19/2010 c21 6ichiro92
Huh, so Gold Roger killed Akainu by shooting him as a ghost? Not quite sure how that works, but I'll chock it up to the fact that he had Haki and is just hardcore like that.

A bit of advice though, you should make your transitions a bit easier to understand, isntead of "Meanwhile, on the *insert place here*". Using a solid line of break would make it clear in the story that we're changing perspectives.
6/19/2010 c21 28Son of Whitebeard
Hope you enjoy the last chapter of the Armed Bear Arc?
6/12/2010 c20 6ichiro92
Huh, so Luffy's mother is a noble? Interesting thought, and I wonder what she's gonna do. I also thought Kuma no longer had any kind of brain capacity and was basically a robot, so how he has emotions and still cares for the Revolutionaries (even after attacking Ivankov at the Whitebeard War), I don't know...

As for using my own OC Victor in your story, I'm a believer in keeping OC's separate from other stories by authors, but if you feel like you absolutely must use him, I wouldn't mind if it was a small bit role, but since this is your story, it would probably be better if you stuck with your own OC's, and I'll stick with mine.
6/12/2010 c20 Czar Lawrence III
OK, honestly I'm hoping Luffy's mom doesn't, cuz they always do save the victims.

BUT, you are ignoring my advice, and pissing me off. Lulz jk, but seriously, you use 'said' WAAAAAY TOO MUCH and saying who said something usually comes after they say it, not before.
6/12/2010 c20 28Son of Whitebeard
I hope you enjoy this chapter?

the next chapter will be last in the Armed Bear Arc:

The next arc is the Reunion Arc..

comments below


The Armed Bear, refers to character that will die tragically?
5/29/2010 c19 6ichiro92
You're getting better with making the story more clear, which is great, but as others have pointed out, you should now work on your grammar, which also retracts from the reader's experience if it is bad.

As for the flashbacks, you're utilizing them more, which makes the whole scope of the story seem deeper, which is better. A suggestion, however, is that when you go into a flashback, you don't just simply say "20 years ago Oro Jackson," but rather put the whole thing in italics to show that it's different from the norm and then explain that it was twenty years ago on the ship Oro Jackson. This, however, is a common theme amongst many writers, so it's not that bad.

And finally, most writers generally go by the rule of "show, don't tell," and I think your story is suffering because you're simply saying too much with exposition, and not showing it. Such as when Roger was talking to Shanks in the flashback, that entire thing was pure exposition, which makes the reader bored. It would have been much better if you simply showed that Shanks understood about Roger's predicament instead of just having him say the entire situation, and I happen to think it makes a story that much better.

But as I've said, you're getting better, so keep at it and keep improving.
5/29/2010 c19 Tsar001
You're still using the 'He said gruffly "Please don't slap him, it's my job."' instead of the ' "Please don't slap him, it's my job." He said gruffly.' thing. I don't know what else to say, but that and commas are one of the things that you have trouble with.
5/29/2010 c19 28Son of Whitebeard
"What do you think is going to happen next?"

5/24/2010 c18 6ichiro92
Hmm, it seems that you are getting better with the story, which is great. However, some things still remain a bit confusing, such as the ever-present question in my mind: "Where is Fisher Tiger?"

Regardless, I'm a big fan of character flashbacks, and I think you should expand on Kidd and Catarina's a bit more, I think, because as it stands, it seems a bit short and unlikely.

Other than that, things are getting interesting now, so keep it up.
5/24/2010 c18 Tsar001
Seeing improvement in your writing style and in the plot of the overall story. BUt here's a piece of advice, when someone is talking, don't do this (He said sternly "I won't tolerate that.")

What you WANT to do is ("I won't tolerate that." He growled, his voice promising retribution)

You want to say someone said something after they say it, not before. And a person can talk as much as they want in a paragraph as long as its only them.

BTW 'said' is a dead word. Try using other words to relay more intense emotions.
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